forum feedback on one part of my story
Started by @Knight-Shives group
tune

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@Knight-Shives group

Jacob had been planning the date for the past 2 days. It would be absolutely perfect. They were to go to a nice restaurant then maybe go over his house to watch a movie. He smiled at the thought of their date that was in a few hours. He reached for his phone then dialed Isabelle’s number. Though it went straight to voicemail. She was probably busy nothing to worry about, he thought to himself. Jacob was getting up from his desk to go grab some lunch when he heard the vibration of his phone. He looked at the screen and saw it as a number he didn’t recognize but answered anyway. “Hello? This is Jacob, Detective of the police department.”

“Jacob. It’s Isabelle, sorry I didn’t answer your call.” She said sweetly.

“Oh, Isabelle. I am so glad you called. Me. back. I called you to confirm our date and a time.”

“Of course, I would love to still go out with you, and I’m getting out of work early so would you like to meet up at 6?”

“Yes, great, good. I will pick you up then. Or do you want to meet up there?”

“You could pick me up. I walked to work today anyway so I don’t even have my car.”

“Alright, See you then.” Jacob said and hung up the phone. He sighed happily that she agreed then walked away. Jacob walked out of the police station and down the street. He went to the nearby sandwich shop to get some food for his lunch.

She walked down the sidewalk outside of the hospital and smiled when she saw Jacob’s car drive up to her.

“Hello there Isabelle.”

“Hey Jacob.” She said then got into the car.

“You look wonderful.” He said complimenting her casual maroon dress.
“Why thank you.” She replied smiling at him.

They got to the restaurant soon enough and walked in. They got seated and chatted. Dinner went by quick enough. Then they got back to the car and drove back to his home. They walked into his apartment and Jacob brought Isabelle to the living room. “I’ll be right back.” Jacob said then walked away.

She nodded and watched him walk away. She then walked to the kitchen looking around.

“Hey, looking for something.”

“Yes, just some food.” She said and backed up and sat on one of the countertops.

“Alright well it is right over here.” Jacob said then pulled some food out of a cabinet and walked over to her then set it down next to her.

“Well, thank you.” She replied smiling at him then pulled him closer to her.

“You’re welcome.” Jacob replied then kissed her on the lips

She kissed him back as she reached behind her and pulled out one of the knives from the knife block then she drove the knife into his chest. She pushed him back as he fell to the floor in a bloody mess. Though she had remained clean. She hopped off of the counter grabbed her jacket and left. Though before walking out she blew a kiss to his dead body.

She walked out of the building and down the street without once being looked at as a murderer. Just ignorant bystanders walking down the sidewalk not knowing who she was or what she had done to her poor victim.

Deleted user

Okay, I've read it. So, what kind of feedback do you want? On the writing? On the plot?

Deleted user

'Kay. And um you'll have to figure out what I'm trying to say a bit lol cause I'm not sure about all writing terms in english so for the ones I don't know I might just try to take the Swedish word and hope that it's somewhat close lol. And sorry if I'm being too mean…

So… one thing I noticed was that you could definetly have used more commas to create some emphasis and stuff. Like, let me give you an example.

“Alright well it is right over here.” Jacob said then pulled some food out of a cabinet and walked over to her then set it down next to her.

Personally, I would have inserted some commas here to make it easier to read and to create emphasis on some words. I would also split up the sentence a bit, so that you can read it more fluently. Something like this:

“Alright, well, it is right over here,” Jacob said, then pulled some food out of a cabinet and walked over to her. He set it down next to her.

It makes it… well, a bit easier to read. I noticed you missing out on this quite a lot, especially in the dialogue.

Another thing I noticed in your writing is that you don't seem to use descriptions a lot. Try to do that more. Right now… well, you're pretty much only stating the neccessary. Try to add some things that maybe the characters are thinking, seeing or feeling to make it a bit more personal.

On the story and plot though… I really like it. Especially that everything seemed fine just until the end. What I would like though, although you might have this in the other chapters already, is an explanation. Like, why did Isabelle do this?

And on the plot, I love the irony of that the police gets murdered.

But… the makeout sesh could have been a bit longer and more intense. They are grownups, after all. And perhaps add a short scene from the dinner?

Another thing: In the beginning, you have described a lot how Jacob feels about the date. That's good. You give him a personality, and we get to know him a bit more. But then, throughout the chapter, you kinda loose that. Add in thoughts from Jacob into the text a bit more, I think that would make it better.

Sorry if I've been mean… But I really liked the plot, and along with the rest of the story I have a good feeling about it. I think that it can turn out really well!

Hope this helped!

@Knight-Shives group

Thanks for the feedback. You weren't mean at all about any of it.
Also on the note of leaving out details and Jacob's personality. Something funny is this is one story where i never added details and his personality loss could have been because I was being pushed to finish the chapter after not adding to it for 3 month.
In the beginning I was attempting to make at least one chapter per week. This was meant to be a fluffy love story for a thing me and a friend do called cringe reading.