forum Edit my beginning?
Started by @Musical_Queen
tune

people_alt 41 followers

@Musical_Queen

“I’m not going in there, it’s infected.It’s from another Earth!” was how The Illness came. Thousands were affected, hundreds died, and people with power decided to use this time of weakness to take over the world. It was just like the Middle Ages. The disease was called Vere, but nobody called it that except the professionals. Everybody else just called it the Illness. The Illness started when the Earth Jumers came. People from different dimensions, wanting to see how we progressed or meet their doppelgangers on this Earth. It didn’t matter, the only problem was that they had brought it. They are the cause if the Illness. That's the problem with other worlds, they can help us just as easily as they can destroy us.

The first outbreak of the Illness was in 5827 E.V. when a man by the name Everet Mason had gotten strange symptoms that had never been documented. He had died with blood under his eye, and no one there to say goodbye.

Once he had died, many more had followed. Taking anyone in its path. It took children from parents, moms from babies, and tore spouses away from each other. Before we knew what to call it, we knew one thing- This disease was no longer Everet’s, it was all of ours.

-o-o-o-

The Illness had been here for almost a year, and there was still no cure. Thousands more had died. The charts said a number around 27, 392, and it only grew every day. The ones who were dead were lucky. The ones who were still alive lived in fear. They couldn’t prevent it, they couldn’t stop it from entering their home, all they could do was pray to some sort of god and watch as their children or parents cried out in pain as it slowly took over and destroyed their body.

-o-o-o-

Men started taking over the world, taking our time of weakness in their benefit. The government was corrupt and you were either the .0025% with money, or you were fending for yourself. The value of the dollar had gone down to almost nothing and basically everyone was homeless. The president had been in charge for sixteen years. He was there for “A little bit of stability in people's lives today”.

Once the Illness started spreading,Other Earths shut their borders, and we shut ours. We were going to become another Dead Earth,or we were going to survive. The odds were stacked against us.

We were forced into containment and isolation. No other Earths sent people to help us. Not those who beat The Illness, and not those who never caught it. Earth Jumpers were banned, but some Doctors without Borders people from other Earths tried to come and help us. We killed them onsight. We didn’t want help. We refused it. We were human, and sometimes, hubris killed more than the actual problem.

@Periwinkle_

“I’m not going in there, it’s infected. It’s from another Earth!”

That was how The Illness arrived. Thousands were affected, hundreds of those affected died, and people with power decided to use this time of weakness to take over the world. The story reminds some of the Middle Ages. The disease was called Vere, but nobody called it that except the professionals. Everybody else just called it the Illness. The Illness started when the Earth Jumpers came. People from different dimensions, wanting to see how we progressed or meet their doppelgangers on this Earth. It didn’t matter; the only problem was that they had brought it. They are the cause of the Illness. That's the problem with other worlds, they can help us just as easily as they can destroy us.

The first outbreak of the Illness was in 5827 E.V. when a man by the name Everet Mason had gotten strange symptoms that had never been documented. He had died with blood under his eye, and no one there with him to bid him farewell.

Once he had died, many more had followed. The Illness was taking anyone in its path, and fast. It took children from parents, mothers from infants, and others from their spouses. Before we knew what to call it, we knew one thing- This disease was no longer Everet’s, it was all of ours.

-o-o-o-

The Illness had been here for almost a year, and there was still no cure. Thousands more had died. The charts said a number around 27, 392, and it only grew every day. The ones who were dead were lucky. The ones who were still alive lived in fear. They couldn’t prevent it, they couldn’t stop it from entering their home, all they could do was pray to some sort of god and watch in agony as their children or parents cried out in pain as it slowly took over and destroyed their body.

-o-o-o-

Powerful individuals started taking over the world, taking our time of weakness in their benefit. The government was corrupt and you were either the .0025% with money, or you were fending for yourself. The value of the dollar had gone down to almost nothing and basically everyone was homeless. The president had been in charge for sixteen years. He was there for “A little bit of stability in people's lives today”.

Once the Illness started spreading, other Earths shut their borders, and we shut ours. We were going to become another Dead Earth, or we were going to survive. The odds were stacked against us.

We were forced into containment and isolation. No other Earths sent people to help us. Not those who beat The Illness, and not those who never caught it. Earth Jumpers were banned, but some Doctors without Borders people from other Earths tried to come and help us. We killed them onsight. We didn’t want help. We refused it. We were human, and sometimes, hubris killed more than the actual problem.

@Knight-Shives group

Editing Suggestions

First paragraph (Word changes and additions, along with punctuation)

  • ,to meet their doppelgangers onof this Earth
  • if of the illness

Second Paragraph (Punctuation suggestion)

  • Maybe put a comma after "gotten strange symptoms"

Third Paragraph (Add words)
The Illness "taking anyone in it's path".

4th paragraph (Punctuation Changes)

  • They couldn’t prevent it. They couldn’t stop it from entering their home. All they could do was pray to some sort of god and watch as their children or parents cried out in pain, as it slowly took over and destroyed their body.

5th paragraph (Word editing and adding)

  • The same president
  • in the people's lives today

6th paragraph (Spacing, Capitalization)

  • started spreading, other Earths
  • Dead Earth, or we

7th paragraph
Nothing seen that needs fixing

@WriteOutofTime

As much as I LOVE the idea (and i really, really love the idea btw very very compelling concept), this is a lot of information to dump at the beginning of a novel. You may want to start with the present day and some action, and then include the exposition later on when people are invested in what they're reading.