forum Critiques and Advice Welcome

Started January 10, 2022 by @KawaiiCuteness003

tune

I'm writing a starter for a story I've been planning to write for a while, so any help would be greatly appreciated!
The starter will be posted soon, I promise ^^

Okay it'll be a bit of a delay cause I've gotta go to work but it'll be posted soon, promise ^^

To say that the world sucked was an understatement. With all the hate, the fights, violence, and murders going on? Not to mention homophobia, cyber-bullying, and racism. And those were just the problems around the world. Not to mention people hating if you're not like them. If you're not a skinny perfect model, you're a nobody. If you're not a 6' foot god of a man, you're not right for anyone. Sometimes, you just need an escape. But even that's hard. There's nowhere to go anymore where you won't be judged.

At least, that's what everyone thought. Of course, there were always rumors that there were magical places where humans weren't allowed. Of course, those were rumors. But you could always dream, right? There were so many rumors about this magical realm that it seems so close to being real.

Here's what anyone would tell you if you asked them about it. Its entrance is in the woods, but you'll never be able to find it. The only way you can is if you hear an elf or a fae singing. They open the gates with their song. But even then, it's hard to find the entrance. It's always tucked behind trees and bushes.

There are many creatures that live in the magic realm. The biggest species are the fae and the elves. But be careful which elves you find. There are the light elves, who live in the forest, surviving on what the earth provides for them. The dark elves are different. They live in the darkest part of the magical forest, underground. They'll trick you into eating, which traps you in the hidden world.
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Logan hated the world. He was never perfect in anyone's eyes. Any job he got, he lost it. His condition, along with the fact that he was everything that the world hated made it hard for him to survive. He was 19, 5'2, gay, and a femboy. Not to mention that he lived in Seoul, South Korea, and was Japanese and American. No one looked at him, that is unless it was a look of disgust. Most days, he just dreamed about finding the hidden realm. A play where he could be happy and love himself, and no one would judge him for being him.

So that's exactly what he did. One day, after his college classes and getting pushed around by his classmates, he decided to go to the forest and see if he could just escape everything. While walking, he could hear faint singing. It pulled at his heartstrings and forced him to walk forwards. Crawling through thick bushes, he entered a place in the forest he's never seen before. There was someone singing. He licked his lips nervously when the person turned around and they locked eyes. This person-…they were beautiful. After staring for a few moments, the singing suddenly stopped, and Logan felt a heaviness settling behind his eyes that hadn't been there before. Soon, his body fell to the side, and he passed out.

When he woke again, he didn't know what was happening. There was a stabbing pain in his head, and he moved one hand to rub his forehead as he slowly tried to open his eyes. Looking around, he saw two people in front of him. But they weren't people. They were fae. Does that-…did I get into the magical realm…? He thought to himself, eyes wide and confused as he stared at the two people in front of him.

The one on the left was a few inches taller than him, maybe 5'8 or so, his a beautiful pointy nose and playful eyes. The most prominent thing about him was the small birthmark just under his left eye. He looked worried as he took in the small human before him. His pointed ears twitched ever so slightly, and Logan's attention went off of his face to the beautiful wings behind him. They looked like leaves that were in the middle of changing seasons. Closer to his shoulders, the man's wings were a beautiful green, but they started shifting colors to a pretty burnt orange color.

The fae to the right was different. He had fox-like features, especially his eyes. They were slightly narrowed, confused but seeming more concerned than anything. He had an eyebrow slit, on the one eye that wasn't covered by his black hair. His full lips were parted as if he was just about to speak. Once more, Logan's eyes got stuck on his wings. They were bright orange, and they seems to move enchanted like a fire. They were black at the tips, which just added to his beauty.

Soon, the one to his left spoke. His voice was deep and calming, helping the human feel safe. "Are you alright, little snow?" He asked softly. It took a few moments before Logan slowly understood what he said. "What-… I'm sorry…?" The fox-like fae only let out a small noise. "We found you near the enchanted lake. You were unconscious, so we brought you here. Did someone steal your wings?"

At that moment, Logan froze. They thought he was Fae. Of course, they did. Fae couldn't lie. He was about to ask about what happened when his hair fell over his eyes. It wasn't pitch black like it usually was. It was white. Pure white. That's why he called me Little Snow-… I must look like a winter fae…Winter fae are a thing, right-…? He thought to himself, before coughing softly. "I'm alright-… I just don't know what happened to me, or my wings."

The fae that had been speaking nodded his head. "I understand. You're confused. I'm San, and this is Wooyoung. He's the one who found you. He'll stay with you real quick. I'm going to go get the elders. They might be able to help you. And don't be scared, but there are a few dark elves and light elves that are visiting. They might want to come and visit you as well." And with that, he left the cabin, leaving Logan alone with Hongjoong and his thoughts, wondering what the hell was happening.
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Hongjoong hissed in mild-annoyance as he turned his fellow dark elves. As the ruler, anytime that he got annoyed, it would get dark around him, and bring down the moods around everyone around him. He hissed and shook his head with mild disappointment. "Mingi when I told you to lure a human in I meant one that wouldn't be seen by the fae people.” He snapped and hissed

To say that the elven king was beautiful was an understatement. His pointed nose, dark eyes, and plush lips made him look all the more like royalty. While he was small in stature, he made up for in power and confidence.

Hongjoong turned back to the dark elves he was in the shack with. “Alright. I’m going to go try and get another human. You figure out how to get this human away from the fae. No matter what. I don’t care if we’re meeting here peacefully today. We need humans.” He snapped, and with that, left the shack silently.

He was annoyed, to say the least. It was rare they were able to get near the enchanted lake, where the gate to the human realm was located. Any chance they were here, they took it to trick humans inside the gate to lock them inside. He huffed softly, running his fingers through his red hair, and his features softened as he stepped naked into the lake. It felt amazing on his skin, and he sighed, calming himself down to enjoy the magic water for a while.

After a few moments of relaxing, he slowly opened his eyes and started to sing. His soothing and gentle voice started the magic through the air, and as he ‘danced’ around gracefully in the water, he closed his eyes and pressed his lips together for a few moments before he sang again. His ears flicked from behind his hair, and he turned ever down slightly. He saw the gates open, and the blurry image of the human forest greeted him.

From what he’d seen while opening the gate, the human realm looked bleak and boring. He’d never been before, mainly because the few glimpses he got disgusted him. Large metal buildings as far as the eyes could see. The forests were bleak and boring, no animals running around. And those that were, seemed scared of humans. Screaming and yelling filled the air at all times.

Hongjoong cleared his thoughts and started to sing a bit louder, that way his voice would travel outside of the magical realm, and into the human one. He kept singing, dancing gracefully in the water. He turned his head to the side, his back to the gates. His back was exposed showing the faint ash gray coloring he had to his skin. He really looked like a god as he waited to lure a human towards him.

Hello! I wasn't sure if you wanted any critique to focus on your prose/characters/this excerpt as the intro to your story, so I put in a little bit of everything.

Okay, so the first thing I noticed about this is that it takes place in South Korea, which has some unique folkloric creatures that can be explored if you're writing about an otherworld full of magical beings. Unless you want to write a story about just fae and elves, then that's also fine, but imo taking advantage of that could really enrich the world you're building.

As an introduction, this honestly tells me very little about Logan. If he's Japanese-American, how did he end up in Seoul? If he can't hold a job, what's his living situation, and how can he afford to go to college? Where's his family? What is the medical condition he mentioned and how does it affect his daily life? Instead of telling me he's miserable and wants to escape this world, show me why he's that desperate for an escape to the point where he's walking through the woods alone, because that seems very unsafe. I want to be able to see his perspective, see what it's like to live his life for a while, and then be able to agree with him when he says that everything sucks!
Additionally, while the story was being narrated in Logan's perspective, just because he wants to enter a world of magic doesn't mean he'll know what's inside it. So far, it seems there should be no reason for Logan to know what an actual fae is meant to look like if no humans are supposed to see them.
That being said, you have a good foundation for why Logan wants to visit the magical realm. If you can establish what this character is like early on, you can take his character arc in many potential directions from there.

The prose has some writing errors. When you're writing dialogue, you need to start a new paragraph every time a different person starts speaking. Example:

"How are you feeling today?" Paul asked.

"Terrible," Bob said.

Paul grimaced. "Same."

Also, it's wrong to use a hyphen and an ellipsis together like that. I don't know if you were trying to use a regular ellipsis or if you intended to use an em dash, which is different from a hyphen. I suggest you read up on punctuation rules. Lastly, this is kind of a nit-pick, but telling the reader exactly how a person's height measures is not an effective way of describing them. It's way easier to just say if they looked tall or like a midget relative to the POV character.

That's it for now! I'm sorry if I seem harsh, I'm pretty blunt and it's a criticism I get a lot.

Honestly, all of that helps me so much! Thank you!

I'm more used to a roleplaying style of writing, and the people I RP with write like how I wrote the starter if that makes sense. So knowing what I need to fix will definitely help me out in the long run.

I feel like I'm not answering everything that you said, but I will be sure to fix all of that and make the storyline better. Thank you so so much!