forum Critique this scene? (2.46 prologue)
Started by @Paperok
tune

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@Paperok

“Kaylee sit up straight!” Shannon the Queen of Omara snapped at me from across the table. I jerked up the back of my head smashing against my chair.

“Ow.” I groaned rubbing at my black curls. I glanced around the table we were sitting at, embarrassed, I glanced over each of the queens: Betsy, Marissa, Shannon, Jay and Ashley. I had never been to a conference of the Queens despite the fact that yes they, are my sisters, each of them owned a planet except Ashley and I, I of course am too young while Ashley is in control of the galaxy. It was Jay who decided to bring me here today, she was seated to my left, across from us sat Betsy and Marissa, down to my right at the edge of the table there was Ashley.

“Keep your back straight,” Shannon went on gesturing her hands upwards. Shannon was the second oldest of the sisters her cobalt eyes gazing deep into me. I feared Shannon, for good reason, Shannon ruled her planet with and iron fist she was known as the mad dog of the Shinzen for her wild temper. Right I forgot to mention that, i'm sure you've noticed that yes we are Shinzen, rulers of the galaxy. “keep your shoulders back.” she went on straightening up herself as if giving me an example.
“Moving on,” Ashley cut in her voice commanding the room, as always. “Betsy how long can your forces keep down the Jyuain riots?” Betsy huffed

“My men are growing impatient,” Betsy spoke coolly “I do not want to slaughter my own people but we do not have the manpower to defuse the threat. They have very powerful forces among them.” she dipped her finger into the surface of the table absentmindedly as she went on “my generals want to take the entire city off the map with with an air strike but there are civilians in that city that are not a part of the rebellious force.” Jay nodded in agreement as Betsy spoke, Marissa and Shannon were whispering about something hardly paying attention. Ashley shook her head dismissively.

“Permit the air strike,” she said simply “Mari-”

“Excuse me?” Betsy growled

“What is it?” Ashley’s tone grew stern quickly her brown eyes narrowing “the man that calls himself Stratus has been a conspicuous supporter of the ‘revolution’ for years and he has been noted many times to take refuge in Jyuain, there is a large chance he is behind the uprising happening there, if he is terminated the pathetic excuse of a rebellion will lose valuable morale.”

“That is not worth nearly a thousand lives!” Betsy rose to her feet, the fact that she stood at 6’0 tall alongside her muscular form made Betsy very intimidating. Ashley simply gazed at her. “You will not diminish my commands.” she took a single step towards Ashley

“Sit down Betsy.” Marissa spoke up

“I refuse to stand down” Betsy crouched down, ever so slowly

“Betsy” Shannon warned, Jay remained silent. “Not again” I couldn't keep up with what happened next, my eyes were far too slow. But by the time I knew what was happening Betsy was standing on the table before Ashley swiping her morningstar down at her. Ashley rose catching Betsy´s wrist and smashing her elbow into her thorax, I mean her chest. Betsy gasped but did not falter, she tried to catch Ashley with a swift right hook but Ashley was faster ducking under Betsy´s fist tearing her morningstar out of her grip and spearing the handle into Betsy´s abdomen. I could see the tip tearing through the back of her dress, but there was no blood it has simply phased through her body. Right how could I forget.

“I win again,” Ashley had grabbed onto Betsy´s shoulder “once your gut rematerializes you will be impaled.” Betsy tried to break free of Ashley´s grip but it was impossible. “What was your limit again? Ashley taunted “a minute? Your time is almost up dear sister” I tried to figure out how long was left for Betsy´s ability to wear off. Betsy´s ability allowed her to change the density of parts of her body allowing her to phase through solid objects. She can hold it for a single minute before she requires a break.

“Ashley,” Jay urged “its done”

“I want her to admit defeat.” Ashley growled, Betsy continued to struggle fruitlessly

“I will not!”

“Betsy!” Marissa nearly shouted, I couldn't tell how much time was left, Ashley was going to kill her.

“BETSY PLEASE” I screamed. Everyone had their eyes on me, yes I exist. Betsy stepped back the handle pulling out of her body, she visibly relaxed. There was silence. I waited for Shannon to scold me for speaking but there was nothing. I felt the tension building, is Ashley going to go after her? Betsy didn't actually admit defeat did she? Suddenly Ashley shouted, no she was laughing. It took me a moment to see that Betsy was laughing with her though I could tell she was having trouble breathing probably from that very well placed jab from earlier.

“Do what you want,” Ashley sat back down “as long as you handle the situation” Betsy stepped off the table and sat unceremoniously on the seat closest to Ashley

“Thank you sister.” Betsy spoke relieved. She glanced over at me as Shannon and Marissa continued their conversation, Jay mentioned something to Ashley and Ashley responded but I was too distracted by Betsy watching me her eyes were reminiscent of our mother's eyes bright almost neon green. I remember our mother in vivid detail, Melinda Shinzen.

“As Jay has kindly reminded me,” Ashley spoke regaining everyone's attention “Rio Giraud has been captured by a platoon of Utopian soldiers”
“How did they they pull that off?” Marissa muttered, Jay ignored her comment as Ashley continued

“It is time he lost his life.” there was a pause.

“Our father,” It was Shannon speaking now turning her gaze across the room as she spoke “and his father before him and even his father before him have all tried and failed to kill this man”

“Then what do you suggest we do?” Marissa asked, I noticed Ashley cocking her head curiously

“We have another option,” Shannon spoke perspicaciously as if she had been planning her exact words for centuries. “This ‘rebellion’ that the people think they are running can be easily averted if we make full use of Rio Giraud”
“What are you implying?” Jay asked a tint of frustration in her voice

“I would prefer to not discuss any further details in front of,” Shannon nodded in my direction “I do not trust that girl,” I shuddered at her words. “Get her out of here”

“Kaylee,” Jay turned to me “go.” I got to my feet just now seeing how much my legs were shaking I made my way to the door to my left before I reached it turned slightly, I could see Jay balling her fist under the table. She was angry and it scared me. I guess I was always scared back then. Scared of my sisters scared of the world scared of death, scared of pain. I didn't want to be brave I was scared of that too. I like to think that my sisters regret the decision they made in that room today, It helps me sleep better thinking that somewhere deep inside there is a piece of humanity.
I gaze up at the ceiling of the bedroom “you know what I mean?”

@WriteOutofTime

Before I get into the critique, let me just say that the tension you build when Kaylee thinks Betsy is going to get impaled is really, really effective and really, really good. It was one of the main parts, possibly the only part, where I actually got lost in the story.

Now. The rest was difficult to read. Not because it was inherently awful (it wasn't) but there were a lot of glaring grammatical issues that were repeated throughout the whole thing. Run-ons were the most prevalent, followed by dropped punctuation. These things are common in a first draft, and not horrible or anything, but just for reference I'm pointing them out. Here, I'll show you:

The original: “Betsy” Shannon warned, Jay remained silent. “Not again” I couldn't keep up with what happened next, my eyes were far too slow. But by the time I knew what was happening Betsy was standing on the table before Ashley swiping her morningstar down at her. Ashley rose catching Betsy´s wrist and smashing her elbow into her thorax, I mean her chest. Betsy gasped but did not falter, she tried to catch Ashley with a swift right hook but Ashley was faster ducking under Betsy´s fist tearing her morningstar out of her grip and spearing the handle into Betsy´s abdomen. I could see the tip tearing through the back of her dress, but there was no blood it has simply phased through her body. Right how could I forget.

Edit: "Betsy," Shannon warned. Jay remained silent. (I'm not sure who says "Not again" so I'll leave it up to you to edit that bit.) I couldn't keep up with what happened next. My eyes were far too slow. But by the time I knew what was happening, Betsy was standing on the table before Ashley, swiping her Morningstar down at her. Ashley rose, catching Betsy's wrist, and smashed her elbow into her chest. (Why include that whole thorax blunder? Awkward and unnecessary, takes us out of the action.) Betsy gasped but did not falter. She tried to catch Ashley with a swift right hook, but Ashley was faster. Ducking under Betsy's fist, she tore her Morningstar out of her grip and speared the handle into Betsy's abdomen. I could see the tip tearing through the back of her dress, but there was no blood. It had simply phased through her body.(Here would be a good time to describe her ability instead of rambling through it. The "Right how could I forget" is sloppy and again, takes us out of the action.)

Again, it's not imperative that you fix these things for a first draft, but it's important to know that they need fixing. Other than readability, you seem to be doing pretty well. A few words of advice: be careful with exposition. Clearly you have a vast universe that needs explaining, but you must choose your words with care. Info dumping can be a hassle to read through. However, not enough info, or info that seems hastily added into the narrative, is just as bad. The key information that you need to explain are the Shinzen and the queens. You throw them in their with minimal explanation. I recommend fleshing it out a little. Take your time on the narrative.

I like this excerpt a lot. A little sprucing up, and it could be something great. Good luck on this!

CC Heart

“Kaylee sit up straight!” Shannon the Queen of Omara snapped at me from across the table. I jerked up the back of my head smashing against my chair.

You have a thief to deal with, it appears that someone has stolen all your commas.
Should be 'Kaylee, sit up straight!' Though, for more impact, you could also go, "Kaylee! Sit up straight!" And it should be 'Shannon, the queen of Omara'. 'Queen' is not a proper noun, it doesn't get capitalized on its own, only when used as a title, such as 'Queen Shannon'.

I glanced around the table we were sitting at, embarrassed, I glanced over each of the queens: Betsy, Marissa, Shannon, Jay and Ashley.

Comma splice, and overuse of the word 'glance'. Pick a sentence to put 'embarrassed' in and make the other one a separate sentence, or rearrange the whole thing to eliminate the problem. 'Embarrassed, I glanced around the table at each of the queens: Betsy, Marissa, Shannon, Jay and Ashley.'

I had never been to a conference of the Queens despite the fact that yes they, are my sisters, each of them owned a planet except Ashley and I, I of course am too young while Ashley is in control of the galaxy.

Incredibly long run-on sentence, and again, comma splices. Comma splices everywhere.

“Keep your back straight,” Shannon went on gesturing her hands upwards.

Missing a comma. And really awkwardly-phrased. Should be 'Shannon went on, gesturing upwards with her hands.'

I am going to stop my critique here since I just read ahead to the next comment and saw they had pretty much the same things to say.

@Paperok

Thanks for the extra in-depth analysis. I will definitely check that primer out later today as I am at school and the site is blocked lol.

CC Heart

Ahhh, yeah: Fanfiction.net is usually blocked by schools. Though whether it's for the absolute way it sucks attention and time or the potential violence or sex that can be found in stories, I'm not sure. But this link goes to the forums, not a story, just for reference.