forum Critique this scene? (2.0)

Started February 28, 2018 by @Paperok

tune

The traitorous sun rose over the horizon bathing the infinite ocean with a golden hue. The girl held its gaze, she lay on the beach sprawled out taking up as much space as she could as if she were hiding the sand from the sight of the sun. It would take no more from her. She would not let it.
Zaura Whotet rolled over in bed, she had lost her blanket hours earlier so she was pitifully attempting to cover herself with her pillow. The room was near silent; only the tick of her watch could be heard. She rolled again back onto her stomach and attempted to scratch at her back, as always she couldn't reach that one spot. She squirmed around practically clawing at her back. The light came on.
“I thought you were possessed or something,” Angelica was sitting up in her bed across the bedroom. She was in a long grandma-esque nightgown, her hair was puffy as it always was in the morning a globe of chocolate poof nearly a foot around. Or as Angelica would call it, an afro. Angelica, done with waiting for Zaura to respond, got out of bed leaving the light on.
“turn the light off!” Zaura groaned pulling her pillow up over his face “why are you getting up so fucking early?” Angelica strolled into the bathroom
“Jackson and I are going to Mancreo city” Zaura heard the sink running “apparently Reynold knows about some really special guy” Zaura sat up narrowing her eyes at the light, she spit a small string of fire shattering it.

Jake Uzena smashed the back of his head against the floor, 100 situps and his abs were burning. He groaned quietly and downed the rest of his water before starting again.

Michael Somatose struck Jacob down with a quick left hook, Jade came blurring towards him dropping to the ground in an attempt to sweep him off his feet. Michael twisted into a flip grabbing her arm and flinging her away, Pops and Rascal attacked together as Boomer created a mist to hide them from sight. A heavy fist met Michaels' stomach, he absorbed the impact and swung on one of the boys his fist met his mark as the second attacked. Michael was knocked off his feet, Pops, Pops hit harder than Rascal did. He landed on his back the impact sounding throughout the field.
“Yes!” Jade shouted as the mist began to clear, Pops was the only one still on his feet gasping for breath, clearly, he put all he had into that punch yet Michael felt nothing.
“Good job you guys” Michael got back on his feet as the group gathered around him, “you used each other as decoys to get close to me” Jacob groaned as he lay on his side next to Rascal and Jade “Sure it worked here but if I wasn't pulling my punches, you would have been giving up your friends lives for a single hit.” Pops huffed, Rascal looked over at him with a concerned look
“Did you break your hand again?” Rascal asked Pops nodded his jaw clenched.
“My point stands proven” Michael went on “Your body will never be able to endure your strength, both of you,” he looked between Pops and Rascal “know your limits” Boomer plopped down carefully carrying five bottles of water
“Here you all go” Michael nodded and took one before looking to the edge of the baseball field where Carissa stood on the other side of the fence her hair put up in a messy bun. She turned and started to walk away further down the street. Michael turned toward the newly rising sun
“Another day another day” Jacob blinked at Michael, confused
“What does that mean?”
“I don't even know.”

Woah! This scene introduces a ton of new characters with their own personalities and traits and um,,,superpowers? magic? I like so far the vibe I'm getting from it, the characters are comedic yet real and the setting is interesting but, important question:
Is this your opening scene? Your very first scene?
Ima critique it likes it's your novel/stories opening scene cause that's all I have to go off of.
Like I said, this introduces characters rapid fire, not giving the reader enough time to adjust. You need us to know your main character first thing first, not a zillion. Let us make a connection, then move to introduce more.
An inherent problem of a scene that introduces characters so fast is pace. The pace is so fast. One moment we're waking next to a beach the next we're in a training session with like four different people.
And honestly, most of the problems with this can be fixed by just writing more. Slow down and focus on one thing at a time.
Grammar issues: punctuation. Between dialog and other bits of sentence, you need either a period or a comma. When using a dialog tag, use a comma. When saying an incomplete thought, use a comma. When it's a complete sentence, use a period.
Example: A bit of your dialog—-
“Did you break your hand again?” Rascal asked Pops nodded his jaw clenched.
“My point stands proven” Michael went on “Your body will never be able to endure your strength, both of you,” he looked between Pops and Rascal “know your limits” Boomer plopped down carefully carrying five bottles of water
Becomes (with the corrections in parenthesis):
“Did you break your hand again?” Rascal asked(.) Pops nodded(,) his jaw clenched.
“My point stands proven(,)” Michael went on(.) “Your body will never be able to endure your strength, both of you,” he looked between Pops and Rascal(.) “(K)now your limits(.)” Boomer plopped down(,) carefully carrying five bottles of water(.)

Overall, this scene is intriguing and leaves more questions than answers, which is a good sign because it means that you have more to say. Keep going! Write more! Give us more introduction to each character, help us understand them as much as you do!