forum Critique this old excerpt!!
Started by @Paperok
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@Paperok

(Found this on my old computer and am working on reworking this story)
Cera
17- Cera's shift
Kim stumbles a few steps forward and collapses to the floor gasping for air. she clutches her head tightly as if her hands are the only things keeping her skull from falling apart. Garragan approaches her slowly now, his eyes though, are aimed at me.

"Kimberly, dear," he reaches down to touch her " Don't you thin-" I hit him with a strong impact knocking him back against the wall. Kim pants breathing heavily as she turns towards me

"Kim don't worry," I walk past her "This was my plan all along" Kimberly tries to speak but is still breathless. Garragan makes an abrupt noise, almost like a scoff,

"You can't bring yourself to hurt the body of an innocent man" I feel him building power, preparing to attack. Hannah's husband suddenly appears in my mind, I think about his empty eyes, his shaking hands, the sight of him sitting all night unable to sleep. Am I afraid? I think of mom, sitting in dad's lab, motionless. I feel Kim behind me and Thomas fighting as hard as he can, I am not allowed to be afraid. Lightning crackles in Garragan's palm and I lunge. Garragan fires off several elemental spells, I maneuver dodging and deflecting and manage to get in close smashing an open palm against his face. This was too easy.

"Kill me then." Garragan spits out "You've seen what happens when this man dies" He grabs a hold of my wrist and my veins bulge.

"I won't kill you" I snarl at him before I trigger the spell. For a moment nothing happens, Garragan lets go of my arm.

"What did you do?" he grunts with pain and doubles over shoving me away. I watch him groan and squirm for a moment before a wave of pain sweeps over my body.

"Cera!" Kimberly is rushing towards us, my vision was cut off by a wave of deep black. My body twists and is crushed into nothing.

There is a spotlight aimed directly at my face. From every direction? Every direction is the bright light. I look over my body, it doesn't appear entirely physical, as if I am made up of liquid. As I look myself over I notice that I am floating, I test my nonexistent foothold fearful of falling. A ball of black liquid a few meters away catches my eye. It slowly shapes into a humanoid figure, Garragan's true form? It doesn't notice me as I carefully approach, checking every step before making it. The figure seems oddly familiar as I get closer I can almost see blurred facial features.

"You… must be joking," Garragan speaks with a muffled voice, "this again" He starts coming towards me. "You saw what happened to the man who tried to use this spell on me, it broke him his mind got screwed up"

"That's because he lost" I snap back "I'll win, I beat your ass in the real world, this won't be any different" Garragan laughs, his distorted face twisting further.

"Who knows what happens if you manage to beat me" who's to say your mind doesn't get trashed either way!" He shakes his head "besides, I am most powerful here. His body starts expanding, a pair of extra limbs grows from his torso and his hands morph into spikes. "Before we begin," he flexes his arms and swipes at the air a few times. "Let me explain a few things" I take a few steps back to get away from his waving arms, "LISTEN" He pivots forward impaling me on all four arms. Pain explodes in my torso, I can't breathe, I see that he impaled me through the chest, my lungs! "First of all, no matter how long we take here no time will pass in the real world." He withdraws one of his arms from my chest as I gag on my own blood. "Second, enjoy all that pain because you won't die." He tears the rest out and I collapse. I reach, trembling, for my chest and find no wound. What?

"How can one of us win if we can't die?" I ask regaining my composure.

"Good question, I don't know, I just killed the last guy over and over again until I won," he thinks about this for a moment but shrugs it off. What do I do? possibilities flow through my mind, maybe only I can't die, maybe I have a certain amount of lives, maybe I have to endure a certain amount of time. "I'm starting now." Garragan starts for me the entire world around us seeming to rock with each step, I see my hands shaking before I turn to run. Wait, I can't run from this, what if my survival is dependant on will? I turn back and step into his swing, my arms are diced and I'm sent screaming across the battlefield. I try to gauge how long it takes my arms to reappear but the pain is too distracting. Garragan is on top of me as soon as I land, I spin and fire off a strong impact, the blow knocks him back a step or two but he recovers instantly. I dodge a slice but still lose my left arm, gaining some distance I try to get my thoughts together.

"What do I do?" Maybe I could- Garragan's arm is suddenly protruding from my chest. It morphs wrapping tight around me and I'm sent sprawling, I get a glimpse of him aiming his arms at me and my body is littered with holes. I land and he crushes my knees.

"You keep scampering around" Garragan places a foot on both of my knees halting the regeneration "this should fix that." he aims his arms at me again and they shift back into regular hands. A wave of golden fire consumes me, I feel my skin continually melting and try to scream but I don't think I have a throat left. Is it possible for me to win? My mind doesn't give me an answer, instead, it gives me memories. Memories of that man. The man always kept to himself, seeming like a stranger to even his own wife and children. I remember him so clearly, I remember him unwillingly watching over us, pretending to pay attention while reading through his notebooks. What happened to him?

"Your father went away" mother would always say, I never questioned it. I never questioned where Kim's voice came from, or why Garragan has the face he had. Maybe because I already knew the answer. Maybe I was just stupid.

I have to focus. Heal faster than he burns me. Can I do that? I have to. I push, hard. heal heal heal heal, heal me! I can't let him win! Suddenly I can feel. I can yell

"I CAN'T DIE HERE" I hit him with a strong impact and practically fly onto my feet. I fire off several more strong impacts and rush in to attack. Get close, his arms are too big to hit me with, he'll need time to shift them. I dodge three swipes and deflect the fourth with a minor impact. finally, I hook my leg around his and smash my palms against his torso knocking him off his feet. his arm shifts into a spear instantly piercing my shoulder, Garragan attacks again. I am able to dodge and deflect his attacks, getting a few hits of my own in. My hands are shaking, my mind is whirling, I have to win. I have never felt more powerful in my life. I grab ahold of Garragan's arm and tear it off, in an expert motion that would make Jesse proud I spin and guide it straight into his heart. Another strong impact knocks him a ways back. I can't help but laugh a little. All this time I spent fearing this thing and it was this simple, this easy. I make my way towards him, the world shakes with each of my powerful steps. My arms wave at my sides. I reach down towards his limp form and pause, my arms are pitch black, all four of them. What- WHAT THE HELL I stumble back. This is what happened to Hannah's husband, I grasp at my chest, victory means defeat. Garragan is nowhere to be found, I am all alone. Have I already lost? No no please no! I dig my nails into my chest, No no no no! I can't I reach into myself, tearing at my own flesh, I feel my hand around my heart and then I see her, a child. Her light brown hair lays gently on her shoulders, her small pale arms clutch her gut tightly. Her eyes, they shine impossibly bright, flowing from color to color; one second they are yellow, the next they are blue. She reaches out to me, I tense up but she doesn't hesitate to rest her hand on mine. I split.

I don't exist. But, I know I am here, I feel myself. Is that all I need to exist? I don't see anything around me, I moved where I assumed was forward, the empty space around me seems to extend as I go further along. What happened? Did the spell work?

"You made it," the man materialized from nothing. I can't make out his features or identify his voice, I simply know he is there. "You really fucked it up out there." I am taken aback by the way he talks as if we had been in company for years.

"What do you mean?" I ask approaching him carefully. The scenery changes as I get closer, stars and galaxies fill the void around us.

"You did just as bad as the other guy, too determined to give yourself up." I get a better look at him, he is sitting, his legs crossed, facing away from me. "Sure you figured it out in the end but the spell didn't work completely"

"How do you know?" I stop right behind him,

"I see everything that happens," he reaches out and takes a star into his hand. "All realities, all times, all worlds." The star brightens and shatters like a bulb, particles spreading and floating away. "I am running rampant in your world right now. Weakened yes but the only one capable of stopping me was you and… you are here." I scowl,

"I have to go back!" I say abruptly. He tenses up, jumping.

"Why?"

"What do you mean why?" I grab his shoulder and yank him towards me, I see his eyes. Kim's eyes. Jonas' eyes. Dad's eyes. "Dad, I want to ask you so many questions, tell you so many things, but I can't, I have to go. His expression remains neutral. "Bye, for now." He raises his eyebrows

"For now?" I let him go

"I'll come back for you"

"You can't leave"

"I'll leave the same way you did, I read your notebook." I take a few steps back, inhale and release everything I have at once. The scenery shifts yet again exploding into several colors while twisting into a tornado around me, and then everything is blue. I am above Washington, flying. I see the white house and the military convoys and take off, I don't know how long I have!

@Sugar-Lover

Overall it’s really good, I would just pay attention to capitalization and punctuation. Besides that the story is good and reall intriguing.