forum Critique this nameless story's second chapter?
Started by @Paperok
tune

people_alt 2 followers

@Paperok

Note: Kaylynn is the pov character on all even chapters until 26 where she is replaced by Carissa for 12 chapters who is replaced by Cameron for the last 10, concluding the story.

“Who are you?” The woman demanded, I scooted away from her. The guard woman was dead. Where did we land? What happened? A crowd was gathering outside of the shuttle, I couldn’t escape. My breath caught, I scrambled for the door. Before I made it, a force pulled me backward. The world spiraled around me for a moment until landed in the scorching sand. I struggled to find a source of balance,

“It’s a Shinzen!” Someone shouted. “Kill her!”

“Wait! She was with General Brollac!” I looked up at the people surrounding me, some of them had guns. I grunted and painfully sat up

“I-” One of them hit me with her gun.

I blinked a few times, the light hurt my eyes. I buried my face in my hands, my temple throbbing, I was on a hard floor in a small room with a single door. I got up slowly, did we make it to the safe haven? I thought about the guard woman’s words, she told me even someone like me could be safe in this place. “Flora” she called it. We’d escaped my sister’s palace to get there. I stood up on shaky legs, I didn’t know she was shot. I made my way towards the door and tried the knob. Locked. Do they know who I am? I kicked the door

“Let me out!” I shrieked, attacking the door. “Let me out!” I gave up after a few minutes and sat down against the wall. Warm tears streaked down my cheek. Resting my head against the wall, I considered my options. They are likely going to try to torture information out of me, see if I can give them locations on my sisters. No matter how much they torture I wouldn’t be able to give much help, I don’t know much about the politics they run or their military forces. I plucked at my dress, somehow it hadn’t got very damaged during our escape. I hear a click from the door. It opens. I watched as two men walked into the room. One was much older than the other, he has dark hair with streaks of grey. He seemed scrawny and fragile, wearing a worn-down suit and seemed to be using an umbrella as a cane. The younger man had muscles seeming to be tearing his clothes. He almost had to duck under the door frame to enter the room. He simply wore a sweatshirt and a pair of baggy jeans.

“Ma’am,” the older man spoke. “let’s talk.” I watched as the ceiling was enveloped in a large pitch-black circle, three folding chairs came out of it. The buff man caught them and set them up. Some kind of portal ability?

“Sit,” the buff man ordered, eyes locked on mine as the old man sat down. I got up, he pushed one of the chairs towards me. I sat in it, it wasn’t comfortable.

“Are you a Shinzen soldier?” The old man asked,

“No,” I answered honestly. “Who are you two?” The old man narrowed his eyes,

“We found you in a crashed aircraft with Karen Brollac,” he said. “What is your relationship with Karen Brollac?” So that was her name. Should I tell the truth? They’ll just kill me if I do, won’t they? If I lie they’ll think I'm hiding something worse.

“My name is Kaylynn Shinzen,” I proclaimed. “That woman was working in Queen Jay Shinzen’s palace, I was running away. She helped me get out, she was forced to use me as a hostage but was shot.” The old man leaned closer to me, he gazed into my eyes. His ice blue eyes were difficult to read.

“I don’t believe her,” the buff guy said. “I’ve never heard of a Kaylynn Shinzen,”

“Neither have I,” the old man agreed. “Are you a daughter of one of the queens?”

“No,” I grunted. “They are my sisters,” they looked at each other.

“There’s a sixth one?” the buff guy asked confused, the old man seemed less surprised by that fact.

“Why were you running away?” The old man asked. I looked at the floor,

“I don’t know,”

“That’s convenient,” the buff guy growled. I looked up at the old man, he was watching me carefully.

“I’m certain you are aware of the ongoing war against the Shinzen government,” the old man spoke.

“Of course,” I said. “It’s been going since before I was born,” he nodded.

“Brollac was a spy, she infiltrated Jay Shinzen’s palace, so we could make sure this island was kept off her or any of their radar,” the buff guy seemed surprised that the old man was telling me this.

“This is it,” I gasped, “this is the safe haven!” the old man nodded.

“Kaylynn,” he said, his voice stern. “If you are working for your family…” I shrunk under his gaze. “You will be killed.” My palms were sweaty, I nodded.

“I understand,”

“My name is Reynold Stone,” the old man said, standing up extending a hand to me. I shook it. “This is Michael Somatose,” Michael nodded. “I have many questions for you.”

@Lupout

So my main note is that you are pretty inconsistent with your tenses,

"“Let me out!” I shrieked, attacking the door. “Let me out!” I gave up after a few minutes and sat down against the wall. Warm tears streaked down my cheek. Resting my head against the wall, I considered my options. They are likely going to try"…

in this you use both past and present tense, and it feels a bit disjointed because of that. You switch from "streaked" to "resting" to "considered" to "are likely going to try" all in three sentences. You need to decide if this is a story your character is telling a past story or narrating current events. That being said sometimes present tense does have a place in a past tense story, just not necessarily where you are using it.