forum Critique the first chapter in my short story
Started by @Leiko
tune

people_alt 40 followers

@Leiko

Susie could hear the mummers and whispers of students around her, at first she paid no mind to them, but they grew louder and louder in the split second time period they existed. she reached a hand into her locker to grab a study book when then she knew what the students around her were whispering about, they were unsure and confused whispers, pointing out her reflection in the small locker mirror. a reflection that captured tar filled eyes, dripping down to her cheeks, and black veins creeping all around her face. Her mirror-self grinned devilishly as Susie slammed her locker shut quickly so that no one would know what they saw. hopefully they would just think it was the trick of the mind. As she turned around, she received many baffled and confused glances, but they then quickly vanished.

She leaned her back up against the lockers and the whispers ceased. They were now replaced with the sounds of chatter among the students of Redwilt High. She could hear various conversations, most which consisted of school and after-school actives such as grades and sports, which Susie was never particularly interested in at all, but what mostly filled the room was a chuckle from across the hallways. Susie turned her head back again as she did seconds ago, a bit towards the sounds of laughter as she was greeted with a image of Lachlan leaning on the lockers, talking to her friends. A smile was painted across Lachlan's face and Susie couldn't help but smile as well at the sight of her. The girl was clearly not as ignorant as Susie had thought as she turned around slightly and gave a small wave as the bell rang in everyone's eardrums. Susie sort of hoped that she wouldn't have spotted the dumb-founded look spread across her face.

Susie followed the crowd of Redwilt students into the classroom as the mummers and chatter had faded away from the hallways. Lachlan as well followed into the room. She took her seat next to her friends, Thomas, and Rose, who's seat was turned facing the blackboard so that she could talk to the pair. They were still on about whatever they were talking about as Susie entered the room. Susie tried not to look at the girl, otherwise the same thing that happened with the mirror recently and before numerous times, might happen again.

Susie's feet took her the backroom of the classroom, near a desk in the very corner. She thought that the less social interaction, the better she could control herself. She was about to place her book on the top and sit down to wait for the teacher to come in but before she could she could hear Lachlan call out her name while jumping slightly in her chair. Susie bit her lip hard as she knew this might trigger another series of events, but she was her friend, she had to talk to her some time. Susie's name was called out once more, finally making her turn her head around towards the girl. She was signaling to her to come sit along side her with the rest of her friends, as there was an empty seat placed directly beside Lachlan. She stopped herself from putting her books down on her desk and she turned her body around to walk towards the group of friends.

The young girl wiped away the thoughts of earlier and sat down next to Lachlan. By now, Rose had turned her seat back around and Thomas had been paying attention to the board, waiting for the teacher to come, which wasn't typically him, but why argue with it? She smiled brightly as Lachlan did the same to her. There was just something about her smile, beautiful and radiant. It always put the same thing on Susie's face, every time she saw Lachlan laughing or just being herself in general. There never seemed to be a moment she found that Lachlan wasn't smiling brightly or had a smirk painted across her face.

"Hey, you've got something on your cheek," Lachlan informed.

Susie wiped the side of her cheek with her palm and felt a drop smear across her face. When she lifted her hand up it was coated with a watery black, sinking into the lines of her hand. she hadn't realized the drops of darkness leaking out of her eyes until Lachlan had pointed it out.

"Don't worry, I've got tissues," she offered, which Susie graciously accepted, taking the tissue from Lachlan's thin fingers. She must have just been in art class as she had a mix of blues and purple painted onto her skin.

Susie quickly wiped her face down as she realized that the teacher had walked into the classroom, and quickly had started paying attention to the lesson but in the middle of it she found it hard to concentrate as she felt as if an energy had taken her over. She started to hear little whispers here and there once she caught herself admiring Lachlan's beauty. It had probably triggered her once again, it was like a feeling of the demon inside of her wanting to come out, although she tried hard to resits it. she clenched her fist tightly underneath her desk, struggling to contain the dark thoughts that overwhelmed her.

Everyone had a dark side in someways more intense than others. this happened to be Susie's. It was born with her. her family. probably her entire church even. She was a demon. a follower of Satan himself, being promised by his word in the unholy book to be spared from the eternal flames of hell fire. She had always known this, and she had always been able to control it, this darker side of her, but not since Lachlan showed up to school one day. It had been going haywire, she would have random outburst every time she thought or saw Lachlan. It was like a living hell to control herself.

The whispers had started to get louder and louder. they were now more like sharp pains in her eardrums stabbing over and over again. Susie shook her head softly but it didn't seem to shake them away. She felt her mussels tense as Lachlan licked her lips briefly, paying attention to the teacher. She squeezed her eyes tightly when the teacher wasn't looking to avoid being triggered.

"Susie, are you okay?" Lachlan asked when the teacher wasn't looking. she scooted closer to Susie and placed her pen down on the desk. Lachlan put a soft hand on Susie's shoulder, but once her skin came into contact with hers, it felt freezing, ice cold, although it was quite warm in the room. Susie opened her eyes widely and yelled.

"Get away!"

Susie's chair fell back and hit the ground, along with her body. Everyone turned around in their seats to stare at the sight as mummers and whispers filled the room about Susie and her actions. The teacher looked up from his desk. Meanwhile Lachlan stared in shock. It was clear that she didn't exactly know what to do at this moment or think.

Lachlan had pulled her hand back in a bit of fear. There was something about Susie's voice, deeper than normal, almost like a growl or such, but it was probably just a trick of the mind. She was scared, not of Susie, but what happened to her. Was she okay?

Susie quickly grabbed the single book off of her desk and she rushed out the classroom door, not bothering to acknowledge the teacher, who probably didn't want her leaving the middle of his class, but it was almost over anyway, why did it matter? Lachlan wore a confused look across her face as she looked to Rose and Thomas, who were equally confused as to what was happening.

The girl ran to the bathroom and immediately went for the sink. she didn't bother to check if anyone else was in there to see her at all. The cold water ran though her hands and she splashed it onto her delicate facial features. It seeped into the crevices of her eyes and got into her nose, but she could barely feel it as she tried to wash the darkness from her. Susie breathed out deep and slow as her head twitched slightly. she could hear the whispers filling her mind again. she could feel her inner demon crawling outside of her. she could feel the pain inside her chest when that image of Lachlan flashed in her eyes again.

She kept seeing imagines of Lachlan laying in a pool of her own blood. every time those images would come up inside of her head, she would shake her head to try to get them out, but it didn't seem to be working lately. They were almost impossible to get rid of, and these happened every single day. torturing her. she didn't want to picture Lachlan like that, it was horrendous, heartbreaking even. She splashed more water onto her face as she could hear the whispers intensifying.

Kill her.

@Echo_6 group

Okay, first of all, fantastic job with the imagery, it was really descriptive and easy to picture. The only thing I had a hard time picturing were the people. While huge detailed descriptions aren't a requirement, it's nice to have something about them that we can use to help us imagine a character. Second of all, amazing job catching the readers attention fast. I think this is really good, and aside from a few grammatical errors it looked really good. It seemed a little choppy in some places but not really bad. Nice work.