forum Critique please....
Started by @Cloud-Wolf
tune

people_alt 45 followers

@saor_illust school

  • Silman Ata Ke: The universe looks pretty good! However, I must admit, reading the history/background and the laws of magic and how it works takes forced concentration to take all of that in, especially in a large block of text like that. Perhaps split each of them into several smaller paragraphs?
  • Sita Omar: Sita is looking pretty good! As I'm looking through the panels, the first thing I notice while glancing through the Looks, the Identifying Marks section mentions that she has a tattoo of something called a Silthen on her arm. I don't know what that is, perhaps go into a little bit more detail about that?
    …………….Moving on to the Nature panel. In Mannerisms, what kind of twitchy movements? Does she have a tendency to twitch different parts of her body more than others? Her Motivations and Flaws are good, as well as the Prejudices, but why does she believe that all creatures outside of the Great Dunes to be "strange animalistic creatures with no empathy and zero semblance to humanity" as you put it? What stories was she told to create such a belief? In Talents, you list that Sita has a lot of knowledge of ancient civilizations, mainly from books. However, in Hobbies, would reading books not count as a side-hobby?
    …………….Here we come to the Social panel. Religion looks good, but here we see mention of the Silthen again. We now have knowledge that it is a mythical and mysterious animal that exists in the religion that Sita practices. However, we still do not know what it looks like. Most of the panel looks great, I just have a couple notes regarding the favorite possession and animal. What does a sand dagger look like? What does a Feka look like?
    ……………..Now here is the History panel. The birthday. It's nice that you came up with Sita's birthday as it would probably be written in Silman Ata Ke, however, what if I want to know what her birthday is? What year is the Year of the Dying Star? And, as for education – do schools not exist in this world? Background. First thing I notice - "She was born in Feki in West Dunes (Sepat) and more widely in the Great Dunes." Sita was… born in two places?? And what does "…born in Feki in West Dunes" mean? Who or what is Feki? After that, everything else looks good!
  • The Great Dunes: The Culture panel. In the Language section you mention a mysterious "Sandstorm." What is this Sandstorm you speak of? And what did it have to do with those living in the Great Dunes losing contact with the outside world? Also, Laws. Clans? What clans? That wasn't mentioned anywhere in the history of Silman Ata Ke. Everything else in the panel looks good! And the Geography and History panels are good as well!
  • Sand Dagger: First thing I notice is the Item Type. What kind of leaf shape? If you didn't already know, there are multiple types of leaves, each with their own unique shape. Everything else actually looks pretty good except for that small detail!
  • Siken: Ah, we finally come to the last of everything. As a matter of fact, I believe that this is the most well-developed page in your universe! I, for once have nothing to critique. This looks really good!

@Cloud-Wolf

Thanks, and for clarity when I say leaf blade I kind of mean the classic shape of a rhododendron leaf.
Also the sandstorm is a phenomenom caused by a disruption of the world by a species that I explain in another page - haven't finished that one yet - sorry about that.
As for her beliefs the books she read were out of date and the society she lives in has been out of touch with the world for 100s of years now so their knowledge of the world has become corrupted.
Feki is a town, within the region of the West Dunes which is a part of the larger region of the Great Dunes.
Schools don't exist as far as formal education but the Great Library generally provides learning for those who ask.
As for twitchy movements I just mean when she is still she seems to jerk slightly - like a nervious twitch.

@Cloud-Wolf

She was born on the 1st of August
Clans are only in the Great Dunes (which by the way is a geographical area rather than a political) and are simply the different people living there - the only area I have covered in depth for example is the West Dunes with the Siken religion - they would be classed as a clan if they lived there unless they were not Siken in which case they would belong to another clan. Clans are basically people who share geographical, political and cultural similarities.

@Cloud-Wolf

Oh, and the Year of the Dying sun is because there was a solar eclipse that year, it is far more rare on this world than on earth so the entire year was named after it.