forum Critique my short story. Please.
Started by @Paperok
tune

people_alt 3 followers

@Paperok

Then,

I woke up again.

I strolled into class, late as always

“Mark!” the teacher, Mrs. Soulp, glared at me “how is it possible that you’re late every single day?” as she spoke the entire class stared at me, I scanned the class for the familiar face. I found her sitting in the back before the teacher's words stole my attention “ I'll have to give you a referral if you’re late again understand?”

“Crystal clear, ma`am,” I said politely before strolling to the back of the room: everyone went back to doing whatever classwork he or she were doing, the class was split into eight tables, two rows of four. I sat next to her in the back table

“Hey there Mark” Janet was doing her classwork “late as always” I folded my arms

“I ain`t late, you're all early,” I gave my usual retort while staring at the door in the back of the room, it led to another classroom I always forget the teacher's name.

“Yeah sure, shouldn’t you get a worksheet it's due today you know,” she gave me a sidelong glance. it may not look like it but we`ve been dating since the 6th grade and best friends since the first grade. We were in eighth grade now, we hardly had any classes together but we still saw each other every chance we got. People say we look like we don’t care about each other when we're together but we do deeply, I think. I walked back to the teacher's desk and took a worksheet from the stack on her desk that looked like the one Janet was working on. Mrs. Soulp gave me a hard look before getting back to whatever she was doing.

“There are twenty-eight problems,” I complained, sitting down next to Janet “it wouldn’t kill my grade if I didn’t do this,” Janet shot me a glare.

“Of course it wouldn’t kill your grade," she said, "your grade is already dead,” I could tell she was going to go off on me again, everyone at the table was already staring at us. “We both know you're capable of doing better than a 23%," she lectured harder than the teacher did. "You need to try to actually succeed, what part of that don’t you understand?” I groaned, there was a muffled commotion in the class next door

“This is the eighth grade,” I said, tapping my finger softly against the table. “It's not going to matter if I slack off right now, it's not like some college is gonna say ‘oh this kid had crappy grades in middle school were definitely not going to let him in'”

"Language!" Mrs. Soulp snapped from her desk. I apologized. Janet had stopped working I could tell she was pissed, the whole class seemed to be focused on us they were eerily quiet.

“That’s not the point,” she picked the conversation up, glaring at me. “There are things that you are expected to learn here in middle school will be needed for high school.

“You're overreacting,” I said simply. She was going to yell, I saw her nose scrunch up when like it always did when she yelled.

"Listen to me…" Her voice was drowned out by a series of deafening cracks. The silence that followed was tense. I looked around the room,

"What was that?" A boy across the room spoke up.

"Gunshots," another boy responded. Gunshots? Instinctively, I grabbed Janet's arm. Mrs. Soulp was calling 911. A few of the other students pulled out their phones, some were frantically texting, some seemed to be apathetically playing games.

"Mark," Janet spoke, her voice was trembling. "You're hurting my arm,"

"Sorry," I let go of her arm and put my head down on the table. The scream came next. It came from the classroom next to ours. It was followed by a continuous gunfire. An automatic weapon, I flinched. Mayhem, two boys bolted out the classroom door. Mrs. Soulp stopped anyone else from getting out. Janet tried to pull me with her but I only fell off of my chair.

“Everyone get under the tables!” Mrs. Soulp demanded, "Stay quiet!" She didn't do very well at following her own orders. This was Mrs. Soulp's first year teaching. She was a young woman at that, in her late twenties. We managed to order ourselves under the tables, I noticed Janet was close to the edge and pulled on her arm to get her to scoot closer. The gunfire stopped after a few more seconds. It had come from the room next to ours.

“Why aren’t any alarms going off?” I heard someone whisper,

“Is the shooter going to come in here?” Janet pulled me closer to her, the tables didn’t provide much protection for anyone if the shooter came in.

“Mark!” Janet whispered urgently, I hear could someone slamming their body against the door from the class next door. “Mark!” Another gunshot goes off, and the door is pushed open,

“NOW!” two boys closest to the door rushed him, I could see their feet from under the table and I heard the gunshots and watched their lifeless bodies hit the floor, someone screamed. I watched his feet as he walked forward, Janet clung to me I could feel her shaking. She was still alive. Every instinct I had told me to run but I stayed still watching his feet as he walked past our table. I could see him: The teacher from the class next to ours, he was carrying an M-16, he looked slightly injured. He turned to his left and aimed his M-16 at the kids under the table across from ours

“No!” Mrs. Soulp screeched from the front of the room, one of the boys from my table charged at the man, I didn’t even see him get out from under the table. The man shot him before he could get close. Students started attacking him and getting mowed down, some ran for the door at the front of the class, he didn't hesitate to get them. I started to crawl out towards him as well, but Janet wrapped her arms around me.

“Don't!” her voice was muffled by the gunfire “I don't want you to die!” I struggled to break free from her grip but somehow she managed to drag me farther under the table. In that few seconds, the floor was covered with corpses, the few that were smart enough to stay under the tables were the only survivors. Or so I thought. I watched the mans feet as he walked to the front of the room and stop.

“What are you doing?” it took me a second to recognize Mrs. Soulp`s frantic voice. Her pleading was cut short by a series of gunshots. The man walked back the way he came, table by table listening to pleas and then firing a few shots. I felt Janet crying behind me, I watched his feet: every single step as he approached our table.

“Mark!” Janet whispered through her tears “Mark respond, please!” My mouth was dry. His feet stopped by our table, he got onto his knees and aimed his gun. He was smiling. I remember Janet screaming. I don’t remember the gunshots. Everything simply went black, I died just like that. But I didn’t.

When I opened my eyes I was covered in blood, Somehow I had moved away from Janet. I was alive! That meant,

"Janet!" When I looked at her, I saw. I screamed and broke away from her grip, crawling out from under the table. I saw the corpses, I recognized all of them. I looked down over my body, not a single injury, somehow I wasn't touched by a single bullet. I turned back to Janet. This isn’t real, I'll wake up soon, shes not dead! Know it! I'll just wake her up! I pulled her mutilated body out from under the table and cradled her head in my lap. “It's okay,” I said “you can wake up now, hes gone” I stared into the bullet hole where her left eye was. “Janet?” how did she get hit so much? I was in front of her! she should've survived!. “Janet! Dammit, wake up!” I shook her, “JANET!” That's when my mind chose to remember: the moment before the man fired at us. Her covering my body with hers. If I said at that moment I decided to kill the shooter and get vengeance for her death. The fact is all I did was cry, I cried over her body in a classroom full of corpses, my throat felt as if it was ripped to shreds. Every sound was painful to make. I tried to ignore the gunfire still going off somewhere on campus until I finally couldn`t

I dragged a dead boy by his foot through a hallway towards the gunshots. the shooter was in this building just around the corner. I turned the corner and saw him shooting a girl down, there was a crowd of students and teachers grouped together on the other side of him slowly they noticed me, I recognized one boy from my class who managed to escape. I just kept approaching the man, dragging the dead boy behind me. The shooter seemed angrier, he had some blood on the side of his neck and his shirt.

“Hey!” I shouted the man turned towards me aiming his gun. “Wait!” I ordered, he seemed confused taking in the scene. “I just want to help, you left this one alive so I had to finish him for you” he didn’t lower his weapon, I let go of the body.

“Isn’t that interesting” he chuckled, he wasn't sane. “what’s your name again?” he asked, “ I know I recognize you from somewhere,”

“Mark Velasquez,” I approached him ever so slowly eying the people behind him.

“I remember you!” he lowered his weapon laughing “your that sadistic prick I had last year! What? Do you want to help me? I'm not surprised” I stopped right beside him facing the crowd, all of them were staring at me with horror. I was less than a foot away from him.

“Those are the hostages, I’m sure you’ve figured that much out, already told the cops I’m killing five every fifteen minutes, they’re filling my demands right now.”

“What are your demands?” I asked calmly.

“Where were you," he ignored my question. "While I was going on my rampage these chumps were hiding in the cafeteria, where were you?” I could feel everyone’s eyes on me, I took a breath.

“Mrs. Soulp`s Class,” I moved, taking the ballpoint pen from my pocket and jamming it into his gun hand. The gun fired aimlessly, I was too close to be hit. He stumbled backward aiming the gun at me, I moved behind him with quick sidesteps wrapping a power cord around his throat and twisting the ends around my knuckles, he bucked swinging me around but I didn’t let go, I managed to wrap my legs around his torso and pulled on the cord with all of my might, my knuckles went numb. It seemed to last eternity a single struggle for life. No one bothered to interfere. He dropped his gun and tried to pry me off of him, I bit into his hand, he tried to scream in pain but the only noise he made was the noise of a dying animal. It happened so suddenly when he stopped resisting, he just collapsed, lifeless. I couldn’t let go of the power cord, my fists wouldn’t unclench, no one said a word while I pried my hands from the cord. When I finally got to my feet someone spoke.

“Get the police!" No one seemed to care about me, he or she all ran by me and simply left. They ’d probably put me in a mental hospital, what would my family think of me? I imagined my parents looking down at me with disappointment, the world watching me with fear. No, I left the school grounds from the back heading straight into the forest, if I remembered correctly there was a lake in this direction, perfect to drown in. by the time I reached the lake, it was nighttime. I had to do it before the pure realization of everything that just happened really hit me.

“I’m so sorry” I walked onto a dock all the way to the edge not sure whom I was apologizing to I just felt like saying it. I could see some fishing boats nearby, “There’s just nothing worth it.” I took the final step onto thin air and fell into the water. I felt my lungs getting filled with heat. I struggled to keep myself down, clinging to anything I could get my hands on. Eventually, once again I died. Then,

I woke up again.

@TryToDoItWrite

Okay!! Wow! Interesting idea!
Now…I'm all about brutal honesty in critiques so I won't hold anything back (just know that it's not because I hate you or your story! I want you to get honest feedback and get better as a writer!)

First immediate thing I noticed was the grammar. (I'm a bit of a grammar nazi. I'm sorry). Grammar may seem like a contrived set of rules but it really helps structure your writing and make the flow seem smoother and more professional. It's there to clarify and show voice where your words fail. Don't ignore it! It's an important part of growing as a writer and actually, the more you know about the rules of grammar, the more you feel confident to explore new sentence structures! I didn't even really know the em dash existed before my sophomore year of high school. Now I use it all the time! Also, if you generally adhere to the rules of grammar in your writing, bending the rules a bit for dramatic/comedic effects is even more impactful.
To sum it all up, do the grammar! Research the rules and try your best!
That being said, here are some specific grammar notes:

  • 'I strolled into class, late as always'
    Don't drop your periods!
  • '“Mark!” the teacher, Mrs. Soulp, glared at me “how is it possible that you’re late every single day?”'
    Punctuation with dialogue can be hard. Just think in sentences. "the teacher, Mrs. Soulp, glared at me" is a complete thought. Start with a capitol letter and end with a period.

  • 'When I opened my eyes I was covered in blood, Somehow I had moved away from Janet. I was alive! That meant,'
    You have a run-on sentence here. Use a period between blood and Somehow (you capitalized it, so i think this one is just a typo) what I really wanted to talk about was the last lil bit "That meant,"
    You remember what I said about discovering em dashes. This is where you'd use one! Your pause needs to show an interruption of thought. A trailing off, an end of the sentence you're implying but not saying. It would be like this: "That meant—" (the format of a em dash on Notebook is three hyphens put together. an en dash is two.)

Wow…this turned into a grammar rant. Honestly, that's one of the only things I feel like I'm expert enough on to critique on. (that and sentence structure)
Anyways, good little story! The ending and beginning are the most intriguing part—it keeps the reader guessing!

@Paperok

Thanks, I can appreciate brutal honesty. I'll study up on that, frankly, it's been my weak point for quite some time.

Thank you for taking your time to review my story!!!!

@StoriesHaveNoLimits

@Paperok, This was a really good story. Like, really good. I love the idea of being in a loop but… Isn't there a book and a movie already with that?
Now I could be getting the theme of your story completely wrong. If you are interested the book
is called Before I Fall by Lauren Oliver. There's no school shooting in it though and I really love that idea. Technically what happens in Before I Fall is that a girls in a car crash and she keeps repeating the same day that she dies and she has to break the loop.
I'm really sorry if I didn't get what you were trying to get at with your story, (please let me know if I'm wrong) but that's my review.
I really did enjoy your story you're a very good writer.
-Cleo

@Paperok

@StoryReaderAndReviewer Thank you I appreciate that. I've heard of that book before but I haven't read it yet, it sounds awesome. You got it right :) Thank you for taking the time to look over my story!!

@StoriesHaveNoLimits

@Paperok No problem. It was really my pleasure I found it amazing. I'm glad I got it right, and by the way that book is good but if you ever made yours a book I'd say it might be better. Just my opinion! Thanks for posting this!
-Cleo :)