forum Critique my short story, please. :)

Started October 10, 2018 by @CW-BornConfuzzledLeftILoveYa

tune

I don't much care about structure or grammer, tbh. I'll wait until people are here before I post it.

If you don't post it, I don't think anyone would care to read it.

Whoops! Thank you, Yamatsu!

I ran through the forest, twigs snapping under every step. I felt so alive, so free, as the dense layer of trees softly echoed the crinkling of dead leaves beneath my feet. I glanced over at the lake, gazing in awe as the sunlight mirrored off of the still, smooth waters, creating a softly reflected image of the surrounding trees, and even some mountains in the distance. It was marvelous, and the silence was beautiful, especially because I was used to having my loud older brothers in the house. My house is never quiet, mostly because of my two older brothers, Abram, who’s three years older than me, and Oliver, my twin brother, who’s older by about 30 seconds. We look barely similar, even though we have some of the same features, like our nose and ears. He has red hair, blue eyes, and tons of freckles. I have green eyes and very light brown hair, too dark for blonde, but too light for brown, and I have exactly 23 freckles. Sorry, I’m rambling. Anyway, I was taking in the scenery when I heard footsteps. Thinking that they were just mine, I stopped. The other footsteps stopped, too, a second later. My eyes darted around the forest like a maniac. I slowly continued walking, inch by inch, when I heard another set of footsteps, the pace increasing to running. I heard yelling in the distance, slowly getting louder, so I plunged behind a bush. Just as it began to get itchy, the two other people ran past. I turned my head just in time to see a tall, muscular guy chasing a scrawny Indian guy towards a clearing in the middle of the woods. I knew this particular forest pretty well, and when I knew that the two men were long gone, I ran after them to the clearing. My curiosity had gotten the better of me. I began to slink along the bushes and trees, careful to avoid any obstacles, such as the very common low-hanging limb, which hit my face about 30 yards from the clearing in which the men now stood. I heard some commotion from the two men’s direction, as they tried to figure out who-or what-was making the strange noise. I darted behind a nearby bush, but to no avail. The men had seen me, and the muscular one was now pulling me into the clearing, wrapping duct tape around my wrists. The slender one ripped some fabric from his shirt and tied it around my mouth to stop me from yelling for help. Then, the two tied me to a tree. The taller, muscular man looked me straight in my tear-filled eyes."Listen, you stupid kid. Anything that you see today must be kept shut up. If you tell even a word, a tiny aspect of today to the authorities, or anyone else, well…let's just say that you won't be around to say any more, you hear?" he said in some sort of thick, gangster tone.
I nodded vigorously, afraid of what might happen next. "Now…" the muscular man said threateningly, turning to the small guy. "What shall we do with you?"The Indian man was trembling. "I-Irvin, please…" he said, holding up a small drawstring bag of money. "I-I've already offered remorse for what happened to your daughter! It-it was an accident!" he said in
The muscular man, Irvin, apparently, yanked the bag out of the smaller man's hands, the fierce expression on his face intensifying."I don't want your stupid money, Avinash! I want my daughter! You are the one that took away my Nancy, and you're gonna pay!" Avinash held up his hands in defense. "Si-sir, please be reasonable. Ha-haven't you made an error before?" he asked with an awkward, false smile. Irvin grabbed the shirt of the Indian man, Avinash, and lifted him up off of the earth like it was nothing. There was a moment of soundlessness and complete silence. The anger on Irvin's face intensified, and a second later, Avinash was sprawled out on the ground, his face covered with bruises-evidence of Irvin's fist. There was a slight look of regret on Irvin's face that he was obviously trying to hide as he bent down and checked the smaller man's pulse. Irvin wiped the blood, sweat, and tears off of Avinash's face, and stooped down, his knees trembling. "I'm sorry…" I said, trying to offer condolences to a cold-blooded killer. Irvin turned to me with combined looks of surprise, sorrow, and anger breaching his face."Now, you stupid kid, don't say anything about this to anyone, or you'll be lyin' there with my brother." I nodded rapidly as Irvin reluctantly untied me (after plenty of begging). "Now remember, stay shut up, you dumb kid!" I looked back at Irvin. "O-okay. Thank you, Irvin!" He looked confused. "Alright, you're welcome-wait, what?!?!?!?" I ran off, whipping my iPod out of my pocket before Irvin could get another word in. I was backed up behind a large tree about a half mile away from the edge of the forest when I texted my two best friends. "my house. now." I clicked 'send' just as I slid my device back into my pocket and ran home.

Okay, I found a few things:

• Rather than saying, "It was marvelous, and the silence was beautiful, especially because I was used to having my loud older brothers in the house. My house is never quiet, mostly because of my two older brothers…", say something along the lines of: "…The silence was beautiful to me, because I never had any of it. My two older brothers, my twin Oliver and my older brother Abram, never liked silence. They were always finding some way to make noise (continue with examples)".
• Second, don't say "We look barely similar, even though we have some of the same features." Instead say, "Although we have similar features–identical noses and ears–we are fraternal twins."
• Third, I was a bit confused by the encounter with the two men following her. If they caught her first, but didn't want her to say anything about it, why keep her there? They could tie her up and leave her to find somewhere else to talk. So, instead of the men knowing she was there from the very beginning, have the scene unfold before her eyes while she hides in a bush. At the end of it, Avinash could see her and threaten her. Rather than simply let her go (I doubt a man like Avinash would do something so irrational), have her escape and run into the woods to hide for a while.
• As a side note, maybe add in some of her feelings in the moment. Is she scared? Adding in details like that would make a nice touch to the story.

Alright!

Also, what would be a way to sneak in his gender?

Oh, is it a boy? For some reason, I always assume girl (ha ha, oops). It seemed like a girl scenario to me.

@Hatched_Bemused_Iguana Long name XD
Hello! I have a few things I'd like to say about your story. First of all, it was incredible. I really enjoyed reading it. I just loved the plot, the idea, the characters.

Second of all, near the end I noticed you used the phrase "dumb kid" and "stupid kid" an awful lot and to be honest I don't think a real person would say those phrases in almost every sentence. Maybe use synonyms of stupid or dumb for example,
irritating, annoying etc.

Third of all, the character Avinash stammered a lot and I think there is a lot of better ways to show being nervous or scared. I think stammering or stuttering looks better in a story if used sparingly.
Fourth of all (last one I promise), It was a bit difficult to read, maybe use paragraphs more often. I know that one doesn't really count but I felt like I had to put it in there.

Sorry if I hurt your feelings in anyway but this is my review. I did really enjoy your story I think it was great.
-Cleo

@Hatched_Bemused_Iguana No problem I really enjoyed reading your story!
:)