forum Critique my plot?
Started by @amber_is_in_a_loop
tune

people_alt 2 followers

Deleted user

if you want a second opinion id be happy to critique as well :)

@amber_is_in_a_loop

It's a little bit of a weird format cause I separated it into scenes, and I don't know if i put in some names/places that haven't been detailed. Just let me know if somethings confusing or too general and you'd want to know more, I can explain whatever you need.

@amber_is_in_a_loop

Lili dies and arrives at her section (Lillian)
Nathan is at the edge of the river and is brought to his section (sees Jessie?), but he doesn’t go in. He runs around and is brought to the Earth section (Nathan)
Lili sees him getting beat up and saves him (Meeting)
Lili goes to Sophie’s while Nathan is unconscious and comes back to him conscious and violent. He attacks her and she defends herself but he traps her (Introduction)
She explains what happened and he remembers everything (Santor)
He collapses, she tries to help, he doesn’t let her and leaves as Sophie is coming out of her house, they see each other and her recognizes her as a servant of the Underworld and Sophie knows he recognizes her (Sophie)
She tries to go past him to Lili’s, he stops her and asks what she’s doing cause after all Lili did just save him. Sophie tells him to let her go and he sees the pearl on her necklace and knows she’s working for Persephone. He’s about to say something when Lili comes out and sees him and Sophie, and she asks Nathan what she’s doing and Nathan tells her she’s working for the cruel leader of the Underworld and he explains a bit and Lili is convinced and she turns on Sophie who has no option but to explain what she needs and so tells Lili she’s alive. (Alive)
Nathan drags them all inside. Lili, in shock demands explanations. Sophie starts but Nathan stops her cause it would be dangerous and he thinks Lili couldn’t take it. She’s all like ‘try me bitch’ so they explain. (Explanation)
Lili says she wants to go back and Nathan stops her, telling her it’s almost impossible and she’s all like ‘keyword: almost’. (Quest)
Nathan tells Lili they first have to get out of the section and Lili asks Sophie to get them out of the place with her pearl after she activates it, but Sophie tells her that’s not possible since whoever owns it is the only one to use it and if Sophie uses it and has Nathan with her then they’ll be killed and if Sophie transfers it to Lili then Sophie can’t use it and Sophie can’t come with them and use it later since her curse would attract guards. So it isn’t possible. Sophie then transfers it to Lili against the latter’s will and Nathan makes Lili leave. (Out)
They’re out. Lili asks why he’s helping her as he doesn’t know her, and he says redemption. Nathan tells her they need to get to [insert universe name] cause they are the friendliest universe that is at all connected to Persephone, the material is frosted glass. They start walking and soon Harpies attack them. (Obstacle)
There are five and Nathan fights them off in a moment. Lili asks him where he learned to fight. He doesn’t answer and she demands an answer. He explains how his universe works. Then she asks about ‘redemption’ and he says something funny. (Nate)
They walk and walk until they get to the section. They use the pearl to get inside. Immediately, they are noticed by a crook who traps them in his house to turn them in to Persephone. Nathan is unconscious and Lili defeats the guy. (Ippollunt)
She drags Nate out into an abandoned looking house and Nathan wakes up when the guy who lives in the house arrives. He recognises him as a being of power and convinces him to let them stay. (Lucian)
They tell him what they’re doing and he laughs in their face. Lili yells at him and he laughs at her again. Then he sees the pearl and realizes something but he doesn’t tell them what. He decides to help them. (Ally)
Lucian, the guy, gets Nathan to explain everything to him. Lucian is impressed with both Nathan and Lili. He explains to them the basics of what they are trying to do. (Portals)
Lucian goes to a woman he knows so she can help them while Nathan and Lili stay behind. They bond-ish. Lili realizes how much Nathan hates himself. (Ship)
Lucian comes back and gives/tells them whatever he got from the woman (Steps)
Lili goes to the woman in person because she wants to know exactly what a Carrier entails. (Carrier)
The woman explains what it is and shows Lili Isabella. Lili doesn’t want to do this. (Isabella)
Lucian and Nathan arrive, and seeing Nathan convinces her to do it. The ritual starts. (Ritual)
We are suddenly in Isabella’s mind. She is in school and suddenly is being controlled by Lil, which Isabella doesn’t know but the reader does. They talk telepathically. Then Lili tires out and lets the link go. (Link)
That night guards attack and kill Lucian. Nathan and Lili run and end up in a cave in another section without knowing how. (Traitor)
By then Nathan has figured out that they can trust no one and that Persephone wants them. He explains Persephone to Lili and she is super interested, and he ends up explaining everything to her. (Charlotte)
They talk to Isabella again, and manage to get her where she needs to be to help Lili. (London)
That night, while Nathan is watching they are attacked by some nightmare thing, and they both dream their worst possible nightmare. (Nightmare)
When Lili wakes up, Nathan is crying. She tries to comfort him and he lets her. She is about to talk when he shrugs her off, packs his stuff and walks away. She stops him and they fight. (Fight)
Their fight attracts more guards and Nathan and Lili run but Nathan gets taken and Lili lets herself get taken. (Taken)
They are brought to two amazing rooms and cleaned and fed and dressed. (Persephone)
Lili manages to talk to Isabella again, who tells her everything is ready. Then Lili tells her what’s happening and the link is caught and broken by Persephone, which kills Isabella. (Death)
They are brought to Persephone. She talks to Lili and then to Nathan, making it sound as though Nathan was working for Persephone, so he can’t deny anything she says and Lili believes Persephone (because of her power though). (Warp)
Persephone tries to get Lili to abandon Nathan and come with her, but Nathan warns her about what Persephone is trying to do. Lili manages to break free. (Stronger)
Angry that Lili is stronger than she’d anticipated, Persephone threatens to kill Nathan if Lili doesn’t give up. Nathan is ready to let Persephone kill him so Lili can go. He manages to distract Persephone and Lili runs to make her portal. (Distraction)
Nathan manages to disable Persephone’s magic for a few minutes and after a brutal fight knocks her unconscious. He runs to where Lili went. He strikes down a few guards on the way. (Run)
Lili makes the portal in a hurry but once it’s ready idles around in hopes Nathan will get there. When he doesn’t she activates it. Just as Nathan enters the room, Lili catches one glimpse of him as she is taken away. (Escape)
Lili wakes screaming. She looks around at rolling green hills against a sky of… orange. She realizes she is in the wrong universe. (Wrong)

Deleted user

ok so from what i see here i get the feeling that nathan is the most complex person in the story, and i didin't get the same feel from lili. so maybe give us a few more of lili's insecurities? If you can fit that whole "we're broken but that's ok" theme in here, it would make a world of a difference. You've got a great plot!

@syllyprincessa

Woah I really kinda like the way the story is moving. I agree with the previous comment about the complexity of characters, but I'd like to add my own comment. The best way to keep a story moving is to allow the character to make the decision that moves the plot along. Allow your characters to be the actors rather than being acted upon. If you can remember that from scene to scene, I think it will be amazing!!