forum Critique my opening scene?
Started by @Crwned
tune

people_alt 39 followers

@Crwned

Devil You Know

Low thunder rolled in the distance. Two people stood in the rain. The rain slid down their armor, the water running red with spilled blood. Both had weapons drawn, a grim silence had settled over the open field. The two figures stalked each other, their movements like an ancient dance. The one in gold spoke first.
"The crown is my birthright. It is mine by blood!"
The second person let out a short, mirthless laugh. “What blood, Dasyro? I have spent years fighting for the crown and all you have done is stood behind the safety net your father provided for you. The people do not need another King like your father, they need someone who actually cares for them.”
Dasyro froze, his hand making its way towards the hilt of the gold sword attached at his hip. “Are you going to fight me for it Motom?”
Motom glanced around him, eyes focusing on the battlefield around him, his dark blue armor dripped with blood. “Is that what you want, Boy? Do you really want to fight me Dasyro? Has there not been enough bloodshed?” Motom grabbed the handle of his glaive and struck the blade through the stained soil. “No more.”

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Take senses into consideration (sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell). Describe their surroundings more. Use more descriptive language (metaphors, etc). Use synonyms and antonyms…. Really, that's all I can say; sorry that I wasn't much help….

If you want, I could help with the descriptiveness?

@Rach

so in the beginning you say that both weapons are drawn but then they draw their weapons later…? also when someone says grim i think of a facial expiration so maybe don't use that here? it could just totally be me though lol
also is it cold out? blistering heat? little stuff like what @SupernaturalSyGuy said can make or brake a scene.