forum Critique my first chapter for NaNoWriMo! (This is actually chapter 10 lol)
Started by @Paperok
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@Paperok

“I can’t go to bed yet!” Carissa complained.

“Yes you can,” Cameron said. “And you will,” he pushed her into the bed and started wrapping her in a blanket.

“Cameron!” She struggled to get up.

“What?” He asked, getting another blanket.

“I have to piss.” Cameron speedily unwrapped her and helped her up.

“Why didn’t you say that before?” He asked while she hurried into the bathroom. Cameron had been taking care of her since they got back from Omara. She’d tried to heal her arm but she didn’t have the strength. That was a big issue with her ability. If she was too injured, even if it was healed, her ability may not work. Cameron had bandaged it tightly. She left the bathroom and saw Cameron slicing an apple.

“What time are you going home?” She asked. He looked up and shrugged.

“When you go to sleep I guess,” She went to the bed and sat down. Cameron offered her a slice as she poked at her arm. “Hey, don’t try to heal it,” Cameron said. “It’ll make you worse.” Carissa took the apple slice and ate it.

“I have work tomorrow,” she said sternly. “I can’t go with my arm like this.”

“Take a few days off,” Cameron replied, eating a slice. Carissa grunted. She reached up into her hair. She had to brush it before she went to bed. “Want me to?" He offered, reading her mind. She nodded and picked up a brush from the drawer by her bed. Cameron took it and waited as she turned away from him. Carissa thought back, she remembered the bright summer sky. The boy was bleeding. His eyes were glazed over. He was already dead. Why did he die? She reached out to his body. Her body grew warm. He wasn’t allowed to die. “Hey, Carissa,” Cameron spoke up. Carissa turned towards him.

“Yes?”

“How are you doing?” Carissa found the question strange. How was she doing what?

“I’m doing well,” she said simply.

“Hey princess,” Zaura walked into the bedroom turning the light on. Kaylee sat up on her makeshift bed and watched as she jumped into Angelica’s bed.

“What are you doing?” Kaylee asked. “Angelica will throw you or something.”

“Ange is staying with Jackson tonight,” Zaura said, getting up. “You can sleep in her bed if you want.” Kaylee got up and walked over to the bed. Zaura picked up the pillow Kaylee was using and tossed it onto her bed. “Goodnight,” she jumped onto the bed. Kaylee stared at her silently. She suddenly wasn’t interested in sleeping. Instead, she walked towards the still open door. “Turn the light off and close the door,” Zaura said. Kaylee obliged before leaving. She left the silent building and walked along the sidewalk in no specific direction. It was a cold night. She regretted not finding more covering clothing. Jay crossed her mind. Was Jay looking for her? Jay probably had people searching the planet looking for her. She couldn't put anything on the news, hardly anyone knew Kaylee existed. She saw a beach. It was on her left. She stepped off the sidewalk and made her way towards the water. There was a bench on the sand, someone was sitting on it.

“Who’s there?” It was a man.

“Hello,” Kaylee said. “I’m Kaylee Heperts.” The person looked towards her.

“You’re that girl that was in the shuttle,” he said. “I’m Cameron Moriantes, the guy that shot you down,” Kaylee walked towards him not understanding what he meant.

“Shot me down?” Kaylee asked.

“Yup,” Cameron said casually. “Shot your shuttle right out of the sky,” he aimed his hand towards the air and chuckled. Kaylee sat on the opposite side of the bench from him. She didn’t have anything to say. They watched the water in silence.

Zatoi sat down at the table. The room was dark and smelled of blood. Rodger Tolk was with him, standing a few feet back. The man on the other side of the table hadn’t moved since Zatoi arrived. He listened carefully, waiting.

“Zatoi Clodes is it?” A voice came from the other side of the table.

“Yes,” Zatoi nodded as he spoke. Something moved behind the person on the other side of the table.

“I have a question for you Zatoi Clodes,” the sound of someone’s breath catching echoed through the room.

“Yes?”

“Do you fear death?”

“All men fear death,” Zatoi said simply. Light filled the room. Two people were on the other side of the table. A man was tied to the chair, limp. A masked person was standing over him, a knife against his throat.

“What the hell?” Rodger backed away. Zatoi was disgusted but muffled his reaction. The masked figure traced the tip of the blade against the man’s throat. Blood spilled onto the table. Zatoi did not react.

“Do you not care?” The masked man asked.

“That man’s life is not my concern,” Zatoi said. Rodger made a disgusted sound. The masked man started moving around the table.

“You know my name?” He asked.

“Yes, Rio Giraud.”

@amber_is_in_a_loop

I really like this! The characters are likeable which is always a good thing. A couple things I think you could improve on:
-Emotive description, first of all. The first part with Cameron and Carissa seems like quite a sad one but it feels a little detached. Try and connect the reader a little more to the emotions of you characters. Carissa's flashback is a good start.
-Second of al, the switches are confusing. I get what you're trying to achieve but the execution is confusing. Try seperating the different situations more so the reader can refresh his/her mind and understand it's changing? Maybe you could try putting more space between them or indenting.

Otherwise, I really like your spatial description. The characters move around and I can easily picture the scene, and I feel like the dialogue reflects the characters' personalities very well. All in all, a very good piece of work. Any more of it you need beta-read I'd be more than happy to help :)

@Paperok

HELLO, thanks for taking the time to look at this.
I understand your points, I will work to improve!
That would be nice if you didn't mind, would you prefer I post it here or start a new thread?

@Alexandria-don’t-touch-my-COOKIES!!

it's amazing but what @altogether_quite_impossible_to_describe said was right. Also, this is most likely just me but there are a lot of words and not as much action when there talking remember that this is just me and I kinda understand if they were talking to each other by sitting on the couch or table but other than that its really good (and if there was action then my bad I get distracted easily and kinda skip words without noticing it :) hope this helps and keep going with it it seems like a good story.

@amber_is_in_a_loop

HELLO, thanks for taking the time to look at this.
I understand your points, I will work to improve!
That would be nice if you didn't mind, would you prefer I post it here or start a new thread?

We could do it in pms? I'll send you a message