forum Critique My Character, If You Wouldn't Mind! (CLOSED)
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tune
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people_alt 2 followers

Deleted user

Wow, sorry. New to this site 😁 I'll get to it as soon as I have my laptop!

@prollydelphia

No worries! Everyone's forgot to set it as public at least once. (Sorry for the long review, I type too much.)
Overview: The name feels a little weird; it sounds more like a surname or a "thing name" than a first name, but that might just be me. I understand her name has an in-universe meaning and relates to how she hates birds and is a singer, if I'm not wrong? If so, it feels rather blunt, when it could be handled rather nicely as an analogy- for example, instead of naming her straight-up Songbird, she could be named after a songbird, like Robin, Jay, Wren, and Sparrow, to name a few. Everything else looks good, though.
Looks: A smile isn't really a mark, but if she always has a huge smile when she does, you could put that in mannerisms. She reminds me of a girl I had class with in elementary and middle school, and it's at least a little charming, at least to me.
Nature: This tab is super vague, and I'd love it if you could add more, since Songbird looks like a very skin-and-bones character due to the lack of details. Having one flaw/talent/hobby/etc. is never a good way to go in my experience, as it makes you think of that only for a character, and can prevent you from fleshing them out more. Being too kind can also bring in other traits, such as being easily used or being easy to befriend. What about her parents motivates her, does she want to make them proud, is she expected to get straight A's and awards, do they punish her for not doing her best, etc.? This kind of logic could totally improve everything in this tab.
Social: The politics section is a little weird for me to critique. There's not much mention of any government in the universe history and I personally shy away from listing character political views, since most of the time it doesn't apply to my universes/stories and it may warrant anger from people, if Notebook.ai had the same community as most other sites I'm on. Uuuh, so I guess it's okay if this is left empty, as long as the universe doesn't deal with the government enough for this to be actually relevant often, and/or you still have at least a basic idea of how she feels politically, since it's really hard for people to completely be neutral despite not taking a side. That all being said, her hatred for birds could use the same treatment as in Nature. Why does she hate them? This also applies to her favorite animal, though hating birds raises more curiosity.
Bio: I'd love to hear about her background! Did she grow up with rich, poor or average parents, has any event shaped her personality in any way, how did she start to get talented at singing? This section could be used to reason why she hates birds, is motivated by her parents, and practically everything! Even if her past was average, there's a lot you could say. Everything else here is solid, i just really wanna hear about how her life's influenced her.
Suffers from: I have no idea if this was an accidental tab or something you were planning on. If you do give her a disability, make sure to treat it realistically and with care, since it's a rather easy topic to mess up as well as mental illnesses and other similar conditions. If she doesn't have any, ignore this paragraph.
Universe: Salmonella seems like a strange illness to die from, since it's mostly a non-lethal disease in everyone but super young children or super old people, so I'd change it if I were you. Speaking of disease, Amelia's death by Yellow Fever also seems farfetched, as it's extremely rare (a quick Google search claims that there have been no cases of it in the US in 2015) and would also do better if replaced by another, more common disease. (In fact, since they're related, I think this could easily be resolved with genetic disease like cancer.) I also think it's a little sketchy that Sheila knows how to play every orchestral instrument from her schoolgirl days. This could be averted by her having to relearn some of them, or be fluent in sheet music from speed music reading but not know some instruments, spend years and years after graduation and prior to opening SATURN to learn how to play orchestra instruments. The school got in trouble for not having a permit to teach kids, but the overview says it teaches kids from 9th to 12th grade, which requires edits to stay consistent. Another inconsistency is that SATURN's described as the most prestigious and selective art school in America, but is implied to be a more down-to-earth school in the universe history.
Overall, I'm pretty interested in the story to be told, but Songbird's character is very flat where it could be more in-depth had you listed more traits that makes her unique. You sound like you have quite a few ideas behind her and the universe, and I'd love it if you'd put in some time to detail her and SATURN further. A tl;dr list of things to edit, since I basically just spat out an essay no one wants to reread;

  • Review Songbird as a name; it feels outlandish and if used as a metaphor, blunt. Try other names of songbirds like Robin or something if you want to keep the metaphor.
  • Move "huge smile" to mannerisms
  • Flesh! Out! Nature!This is very very important and should have a higher priority than most everything else!
  • Add background
  • Add disability/delete "suffers from" tab
  • Change Amelia and Sheila's deaths to something more realistic, try a genetic disease
  • Make Sheila's understanding of music less OP and more realistic, such as not remembering how to play some instruments, being skilled with sheet music and music theory but not instruments, etc.
  • Refine SATURN's history to be more realistic and omit inconsistencies
  • Even the best character can be improved if you put in the effort! Don't give up! Platitudes!