Hey! I know that a lot of us like to critique people's stuff and in turn love to have their own stuff looked at! It's really good to get a second and third opinion and I know that critiques always fuel my motivation! I wanted to start a steady critique group for people who are constantly looking for people's thoughts and willing to honestly and fully give their own.

Here's how it would go:

• everyone would submit 2k words in the text below
  it can be anything from character analysis to scenes in the book to short plot summaries
• everyone would then go through and give thoughts, opinions, and reactions to each other's scenes as a private message (i know that's a bit weird, but i've thought about it and i would rather do it this way for two reasons: A. it's helpful to get back multiple untainted reviews. people have different opinions, but it's hard to express them if you read a review saying the exact opposite. also it keeps people from bandwagoning opinion on scenes B. this thread will get really really messy with a whole bunch of reviews in jumbled orders and it'll be hard to keep track of them all.) you can send a public message letting the other person know that you PMed them! (that way we can have accountability too!)
• If you submit a scene or snippet please do your part and review others
• we'd do it all again the next week! that's the best part! it's a constant stream of reviews and hopefully it'll get you motivated to write that 2k that week! that's what I need personally!
• if you don't end up getting a scene together one week, no big deal. just enter it the next one!

Guidelines

• Please no graphic sex scenes. keep it PG-13
• no more than the 2k limit (i know that's hard because we all have those ridiculously long scenes but for everyone's sake, please keep it in that range)
• one entry a week. (that would be a loophole to the whole 2k word limit) we can't be tiring each other out with so much critiquing when we should be writing!
• strong language doesn't both me, but I know it does to some, so please keep the f-bombs and rampant cursing to a limit

I really hope this works out because I love giving critiques and receiving them as well!

If you're interested, just comment down below and we'll start it up!!!

I'm interested but I dknt have anything written yet. I'll write a quick and really basic scene and ask yall how to put some life into it

sounds good my friend! (i actually don't have anything new written yet either so i better get cracking)

Lol I'll get bac to you in a week

Would it be okay if I posted a death scene of one of my characters here for feedback?

Totally! welcome to the group :)

I'd like to read it

I don't know if I'm going to do this every week, but I can critique some things. 😊

That said, I do have something that I'd like to have criticized, but it's 3,055 words long!

    “Drink up, brother.”  Marigold circled him and sat across from him at the candle lit table.  The flames caused shadows to flicker across her face and for a moment it seemed that her eyes searched for blood, but Bryce played this off as trauma from the fight they had witnessed not yet a day ago.
He picked up his goblet, muttered quickly and softly, “To the Morrigan, all the other gods and what’s left of them, and never giving up hope,” and drank down the bitter ale.  His sister studied her’s before doing the same, though without the words of optimism.
“What did you have to tell me?”  She lazily stirred the mead with a well kempt finger and Bryce momentarily wondered if she was already drunk.  That would, after all, explain her hesitant manner.  He couldn’t figure out, however, why she wouldn’t meet his eyes.
“Now that father is dead . . .  well . . .”
“Spit it out, I hate it when draw out your speech like this.”
“Yes, sorry.”  He rubbed the bridge of his nose.  Something had come over him.  A wave of dizziness, perhaps. Strange.  It usually took more than one cup to get him drunk.  “I was saying that I think you should take my throne.”
The alarm in Marigold’s eyes as her gaze finally met his was unexpected, to say the least.  “Excuse me?”
His brain felt sluggish and he fumbled for a better way to explain it.  “We both know that I would be no good at ruling, and the people want the matriarchy back.  You should be Empress.  I’ve already succeeded in private.  I know the Grianites are forming some Empire of their own, but you could restart the matriarchy and fight back.”
“N-no.”  His sister looked as though she couldn’t wrap her head around this.
“Yes.  I, for one, wouldn’t mind fighting for you.”  He wasn’t going to lie, this slightly offended him.  He expected some sort of thanks.  He’d tell her off about it if he didn’t have to try so hard to keep his head up.
“No, no . . .”  She stood, her chest heaving, breaths strained.  Her face flushed and she shook everywhere.  “No.”  Bryce instantly recognized this as one of the panic attacks she used to have when he was younger.
She walked over to him, stumbling.  Maybe she ran but it seemed to Bryce like she took forever to reach him.  The walls were caving and the floor was expanding around him all at once in a sort of dizzying dance.  He found it very annoying.
He saw her touch his face with a trembling hand, but all he could feel in his cheek was a growing numbness.  “Maybe . . . maybe . . . maybe if you drink water it will . . . it will flush out . . .”  She looked around the room, her breathing somehow even more rapid.
Speaking of which, Bryce suddenly found it hard to breath.  Like a weight on his chest, he struggled to complete this function while trying to make sense of his shifting surroundings.
Marigold was crying now.  Crying?  His sister didn’t cry.  And was she shaking him?  It looked like it but Bryce couldn’t feel anything.
It also looked like she was saying something, but everything was dimmed under the terrible ringing in his ears.  He attempted to focus and could make out a few sentences, “I . . . I thought I had to . . .  I’m so sorry, Bryce . . . Bryce I . . .” before his hearing faded back out.
Dimming.  Everything was dimming under a sheet of unbearable numbness.

It's 500-something words, not 2k, I was a bit confused about whether the 2k meant minimum or maximum, but maximum made more sense.

Everything was black all around him. He had been feeling nothing but pain for many years now. He wanted to die, but that was never going to happen. The sounds of people screaming out was all that he could hear; the sound of it was deafening. Blistering, raging heat was on his skin. He and everyone else in this place would never grow used to this pain, and would continue to scream out, begging for the end of it. Hell is his home. He had neither died nor been born. The demon himself was screaming out in pain. He suddenly felt a tugging all over his body. He started to hear a whooshing sound slowly building in his ears. Things that the demon has never seen before came to him.
Were these colors? He wondered. Something that he has never felt went across his skin. As his eyes struggled to adjust to this new thing called light, he saw someone standing in front of him. Is this the one that had created me? He had heard that he had been in Hell, but nobody has ever seen him. Nobody has even heard him. He used to be an angel named Lucifer, but then he fell when he desired to be as God. He was then cast out of Heaven, and then Hell was created as his place of punishment. Now he goes by many names, and is no longer an angel.
“Welcome to Earth. I am the man that has summoned you.”
That was what happened. I had been summoned out of the depths of Hell. He looked at the man. His hair was short, and he was wearing the things known as clothes. They were black. His bright blue eyes shined out at him.
“What be your name, oh great summoner?” He asked the man.
“You may call me father. From this point on you are to be known as William. You are to act as my adoptive son.”
He looked at this man. He liked the name that he had for him. Standing up, and looking around, William noticed that he was standing inside a shape of some kind. Five lines were arranged in a circle, and some strange symbols were inside the circle. He tried to move toward the man that had wanted William to call him father, but a barrier halted his advancement.
“You want me to call you father, yet you hold me captive in a devil’s trap. Release me and I shall allow you to live. Better yet, I’ll give you a deal that goes past the limit.” What am I saying? Deals? Devil’s traps? How do I know about these?
“How many years are you talking?” He asked William.
“Twelve years; your deal will last twelve years if you set me free.”
“Alright, twelve years until our deal comes to a close will do.” He said.
“What do you want then? Youth? Fame? Fortune…? A bigger dick?”
“No. I want a son, and I wish for my son to be you.”
“No.” William said. “Surely there must be something else that you want.” The man shook his head, turned, and started to walk away.
“Then stand here for a long time. I’ll summon someone else to make my deal with.”
“Wait!” William said. The man turned back around. This would be the first deal that William would ever make, so he decided to grant him what he wished. “You’ve got a deal.”
“So, what do I do now? Sign a contract in blood?” The man asked.
“No, we seal the deal with a kiss.” William responded. Wait, a kiss? Really? How do I even know this?
The man was at first hesitant, but then he moved his foot to break the trap. William stepped out, and kissed him; their deal was sealed.

It was two days later. The man that William made a deal with is named George. He had agreed to educate William on this world. They were sitting in George’s sitting room. The floors were made of a wood called mahogany. The walls were a light shade of a color known as red. Beautifully crafted oak chairs and couches sat arranged on the floor. William caught his reflection in a mirror to see that he happens to have black hair with red tips, bright green eyes, a muscular physique, stands at a height of 6’5”, and has a very attractive squared off face. Despite being muscular he actually had a slender build, so as a result William didn’t look as strong as he really was. He sat down in a chair across from George.
“So why did you want a demon for a son George?”
“I didn’t; not at first. While in prison I had found out that demons can do certain things, such as kill people without actually using their hands.”
“Yes we can.” The only thing stopping me from killing you right now is our deal. William thought. “What’s prison, and how did you even find out about demons to begin with?”
“Prison is a place where people that break laws, which are rules, are sent by the police, who are people that make sure that those rules are being carried out. I found out about demon kind from one of my old cell mates.”
“Then what were you sent to prison for George?”
“A long time ago I had a wife named Beth. I had wanted children, and she didn’t. Overcome with rage at hearing that she didn’t wish to have children I decided to kill her by stabbing her to death.”
“Ah, I see.” William says, looking at George with a mixture of both amusement and admirement. George then has a cat brought out.
“What’s the cat for George?” William asked.
“I want to see if your kind really can kill without the use of your hands.” At this William smirks.
“As you wish, I guess.” It’ll show him that I’m not one to mess with. William raised one of his hands, and without actually touching the feline, had disemboweled the poor creature.
“Good, because there’s some people that I want you to kill for me.” George said after recovering from the sight of the animal’s death. He reached into his pocket, and handed William a list. He grabbed it from him and unfolded it. He looked up at George.
“Why do you want them dead?”
“They have all wronged me in one way or another, and I am a very vengeful man.” William smirked at this.
“Then you lied to me. You didn’t want me as your son, you wanted me to be your hired gun. The deal is null and void now, George.” William stood up and went to kill him.
“Actually, I wasn’t lying. I did want you as my son, but yes, I also wanted you to kill for me. Whether or not you decide to kill these people for me is up to you.”
“Oh, so that wasn’t part of the deal, because you wanted it to be my choice.”
“Yes William, I did.” He sat there, smiling.
“Very well. I shall kill these people for you.” His smile broadened.
“There is a slight catch though.”
“And what would that be?” William asked.
“Some of them are hunters, and some of them have powers. I found this out by hiring someone to watch them.”
“So where do I begin?” William asked him.
“Go in order if you want to. I guess.”
“Very well.” George reached for a bell, and rang it. Someone walked into the room. She has almost white hair, yet a vanilla colored streak was in it. Her eyes were a brownish red, and her skin was tan. She stood at a lower stature than William did.
“This person will be assisting you.”
“No go George. I prefer to work alone.”
“Too damn bad, William! George hired me to look out for you.” He turned to her.
“I don’t remember asking you to open your mouth, bitch.”
“William Wintergrean, she is a lady, so treat her like one!” George snapped. He was lucky that William couldn’t break the deal that they had made, or he would’ve killed him on the spot.
“Well how nice of you to call me a lady, but George, we all know I am far beyond being a lady.” William laughed at this.
“So I was right. You are a bitch!”
“Do I look like a female dog to you!”
“Well, I think that I could arrange that.” He held up his hand, and went to snap his fingers, but George, the old bastard, stopped him.
“None of that, or I send you back to Hell, William.” He glared at him.
“You wouldn’t dare! It would violate the deal, and then I’d find a way to get out of Hell to come kill you, old man!”
“Why send him to Hell George, when I have my own little devil’s trap?”
“That would work too.” George said.
“Tsk tsk. That would also violate the deal.” A low, yet very loud growl was heard. “I don’t think that you’d want my pets to attack you, now would you?”
“No I don’t.” George admitted.
“You’re such a scaredy cat George.”
“So how the fuck are you to watch my back?”
“How do you think?” She says with a smile.
“That’s not what I meant, dipshit. I meant how are you going to help me in a fight of some kind. I don’t think that you have any powers that would be useful.”
“Ahh, that is where you’re wrong. George has seen what I am able to do.”
“Alright then, let’s see what you can fucking do.” William stood up and walked into a large room that was supposed to be a dining room. George happened to be rich, so they lived in a mansion. William had turned the dining room into a gym and sparring area. George had a boxing ring in there, and William stepped into it. The girl was stepping into the ring, removing a jacket, and on her shoulder was a demon ward.
“George, could you turn on some music?” She asked.
“Sure thing. What do you want?”
“Choose yourself.”
“FALL OUT BOY!” William yelled. “With some Kansas, AC/DC, and Soundgarden’s ‘Fell On Black Days’, George.” Due to being a demon, and not actually needing sleep, William had had more than enough time to listen to all kinds of different music genres.
“Sure thing.” He popped in William’s cd that had these things on it, and the first song that came on was ‘Thunderstruck’. William cracked his neck, back, knuckles, knees, and elbows. He struck this ‘lady’ with a 50 lbs weight from the bench press. It smacked into her with a thud. She was getting up with a smile, grabbed a small two pound weight and tossed it, smacking William right between the eyes. He smiled. She had come closer to him. He landed several blows on her with his fists before telekinetically throwing her back. She turns to face George with a smile. In a swift motion she stands up, moving behind William. Her hands appear around his neck, locked together and not letting go. He smirked and laughed at this.
“What’s so funny?” She asked him.
“Bad move right there, hun.” He gave her an electrical shock that came down from the light above. “That was what was funny.” He responded to her question. She let go and was taking a deep breath.
“It may be funny, but you do know your going pretty easy on me.”
“If it’s harder you want, then harder you’ll get!” William said as he had multiple very heavy weights lift off the ground. He at first flung them one by one at her, but she dodged them. Then he raised the ante to four at a time after that. He had also electrified them. Dodging the weights brought adrenaline racing through her body, and she looked to be having fun. The weights slammed into the walls of the room at high speeds; William smirked.
“Having fun now?”
“Of course I am. You sure know how to give a girl a good time.” William made the sprinklers go off when he launched a torrent of flame in her direction from his hand. Moving out of the way of the flames, she suddenly falls, smashing her knee into the floor.
“Nadia, are you alright?” George asked.
“She’s fine George, so shut your trap and watch!” A puddle of water was forming on the mat of the ring, but it wasn’t quite ready for what William had in mind. Pushing herself up from the floor and then pushing her knee back into place, she glared daggers at him.
“Oh, poor thing, got a booboo.” William mocked. He had a weight hit her in the back. He was no longer going easy on her. “Had enough yet, Nadi?” Falling to her knees from the weight, she gets back up, taking steps toward him carefully.
Now the water was ready. William raised a serpent of water, and had it slam into her, soaking her clothing. ‘Carry On Wayward Son’ by Kansas was playing. What a great time for this song to be on. William thought. Suddenly launching herself, Nadia tackled him to the ground. She sat on his chest and had her elbow on his neck.
“Heh, a girl that likes being a top instead of a bottom.” William said, smirking, and had a 100 lbs weight hit her in the side of the stomach, knocking her off of him. “Alright, you can come with me I guess, but I’m in charge and get to choose the target.”
“Whatever you say.” She says getting up. She walks out of the ring holding her side. A rib had popped out of place. ”Think one of you can put it back in?”
“Sure.” William said, and telekinetically popped it back to where it belonged. “What kind of partners would we be if we let each other walk around wounded?” He asked mockingly. She looks surprised for a minute. Clearly George had not told him of her previous partners. She picks up a backpack.
“I've got everything on everyone in here.”
“I was saving that for you to do yourself, Nadia.” George said as answer to her look of surprise as he reached to turn the music off.
“Leave it on.” William told him.
“Why?”
“I’m going to continue my little workout.”
“Oh, alright son. I’m gonna go get something to eat. Make sure that you clean this mess up.” He said whilst walking out.
“Stupid old man.” William mumbled. “He could of had anything that he wanted, but instead he makes a deal to have a demon for a son for a total of twelve years.” I’m looking forward to when the deal is up. Then I’ll kill the bastard. He thought to himself.
“George may be stupid.” Nadia says. “But he’s not all bad either.” She said while opening a book. William eyed what she was looking at as he was lifting the weights out of the walls using his hands.
“What ya got there, Nadi?”
“It’s a journal.” She states sarcastically.
A journal. George had taught me about those. One could use it to write down his or her thoughts, or to gather information in. The idea of having one sounded ridiculous to me. I’m a demon. I can easily store any information inside my head whenever I learn something new.
He was now mopping up the water using the power of his mind. Nadia just sat there reading her silly journal.
“Damn bastard.” She mumbles out of nowhere, tossing the journal to the floor in anger. William smirked at this. It was amusing to him to watch a human reacting to their emotions.
“Who? Me? Why thank you. I know I am!” He said smugly.
“No, not you. My ex partner….” She says.
“Well come out with it. What happened with your old partner?” He asked. If he had to work with the dumb bimbo, he’d might as well get to know her.
“Well the first partner is on the list, and that’s his journal of every case I worked with him. He left me for dead. That’s when I met George. I grew up with hunters, George became my friend, and here I am now working for him.” She says. There was more to it than the man just being her first partner; you could see that in her eyes.
“Well then it’s a good thing that we’ll be paying him a visit. I’ll even be nice and let you have that kill. Where’s his name on the list?”
“It’s the 6th name on the list; Bogan Stone. Last I knew he was in the south somewhere.”
“Oh? What happened when he left you to die?” William asked. He was actually curious to know this.
“We were working a case; demons. He sent me in as bait, and I ended up being the bait…. Literally. He took off as soon as he saw that he couldn't overcome them. I was left alone to die. I don't know for how long I was there. I only remember darkness and then George showing up.”
All she saw was darkness. I wonder if she heard screaming and felt heat that she could never get used to? William thought to himself. “George must be really close to you then; almost a father figure. A mentor of sorts. He taught you things about hunting that you didn’t know about, just like he’s teaching me about things in this world.” What the fuck am I saying? No, William, you’re a demon, you’re not supposed to care about these mud monkeys! As for George teaching me, the old bastard doesn’t even suspect that I actually know more than I’m letting on! He thought.
“I wouldn't say a father figure, he's more like an uncle.” She mutters.
“Well, we might as well go hunt down the first person on the list.” William said. He grabbed the list, and looked at the very first name. “Twanda Rodes; George talked to me about her briefly. He said that she’s hiding out somewhere in someplace called Italy.” Nadia opens a purse and pulls out a card.

These are awesome!

I have done my critique for @CoolBeanz! Now, who's gonna do mine? ;-) ;-)

working on yours @SupernaturalSyGuy then i'll get to @CoolBeanz !

working on yours @SupernaturalSyGuy then i'll get to @CoolBeanz !

Yay! Lol That's the original version, which I wrote with a friend of mine. I'm working on the rewritten version with another friend!

working on yours @SupernaturalSyGuy then i'll get to @CoolBeanz !

Yay! Lol That's the original version, which I wrote with a friend of mine. I'm working on the rewritten version with another friend!

Cool! Working with friends is always hard but fun

Okay! I've sent my thoughts to both of you now! I'll be posting my scene in a couple of minutes. Obviously no rush in critiquing it because you have all week! :)

hey i deleted my scene because I'm re doing some stuff and critiques haven't been posted yet so i figured it'd be okay lol

I sent my critique to @SupernaturalSyGuy earlier, and I'll send one to @TryToDoItWrite when I get the time!

Note: This one is subject to change, for I am rewriting the story that it goes with into an entirely different story. I was experimenting with how I write as well.

JOURNAL OF LUX TENEBRIS

My name is Lux Tenebris. I am 9 years old. My daddy gave me this book for my birthday. He told me that I can use it to write in. He said that it was called keeping a jurnal.
-_-
A year later.

I turned 10 today, and my mommy and daddy gave me this really pritty shiney thing. They put it on my head, and told me that I had to wear it when people come to see us, or when we go out. They called it a crown, and told me that one day I would lead our land and people. We sat in my room today, and I am sure that I fell asleep. When I woke up my mommy and daddy were gone. My Ant Danny told me that they had to go do something inportint.
-_-
A month later.

Today mommy and daddy took me deep underground. They showed me that there is a castle under ours, and dungeons underneath that. They placed me into a cell down there, left a torch with me, and then left me with Aunt Danny. Aunt Danny wrapped a cloth around my head, and chained my wrists to the wall. I was scared at first, but Aunt Danny told me that she would stay down there with me. I don’t understand why mommy, daddy, and Aunt Danny have done this to me. (Stained with tears.)
--
Mommy and daddy sat me down to tell me why they locked me away. They said that I didn’t do anything wrong, and that they love me. They then said that a which did something to me that would make me evil every new and full moon, so they only locked me up to protect others. They told me that we’d sadly have to do this twice every month for four nights. This means that I will be locked up again tonight.
--
5 years later.

My father told me that I have become a man today. I have saved Aunt Daneris’ life from someone that calls himself Rayn. He was holding her against a wall, and held a knife to her throat.. Daneris isn’t really my aunt, but I have known her my entire life. This makes her an aunt to me in my eyes.
Rayn kept going on and on about someone named Spartain, and saying something about how Spartain was innocent. I drew my sword spear, which was a gift to me from Uncle Urchin, threatened Rayn to let Aunt Daneris free, and to walk away or I would kill him. He walked away. Aunt Daneris hugged me, thanked me, and planted a kiss upon my forehead.
--
Today I started to train in the art of wielding a sword. I am now sitting, and writing with bruises forming on my hands, arms, legs, and torso, struggling to write this.
--
3 years later.

Today I have received word from a source of mine that I must not name even here. He told me that there is a threat against me and mine.. I fear for the lives of the people, and that of my parents. As prince, I am to be second in command under my father. My source said that the one that plans on waging war is none other than the brother of Spartain, the same man that had attacked Aunt Daneris. I don’t know how he got hold of an army that was willing to fight beside him, but I do know this; he will fail.
--
My source is trustworthy, for a war is indeed brewing. The war that is to come, thankfully, is still in the works, so it could take years for this war to begin.
--
I have met an extraordinary lady today. Her name is Ambyr. We have hit it off right away.
-_-
6 months later.

I know that this may seem early, but after half a year of constantly spending time with Ambyr I have fallen for her. I can see that she too, has fallen for me. I have asked her father for her hand in marriage, and he accepted. I asked this at a meeting between our kingdoms. She is the daughter of Aragorn II.. Our marriage will unite our kingdoms. Aragorn was even gracious enough to give his kingdom over to my family once I am king.
-_-
1 year and 9 months later.

Today I have become a father to quadruplets. I now have four sons. The eldest is named Adir, for he is strong. The second is named Solomon, for he is peaceful. The third is named Asher, for he is happy. The youngest is named Sheba, for I have made an oath that my sons will live to be old men.
-_-
3 years later.

My poor children are confused as to why I hide during the full and new moons. It breaks my heart to know that they are in pain, but I only do this to protect them. I don’t want to hurt them, but it is for their own good.
--
One of the knights was murdered today, and one of the many cities in our kingdom was attacked. The war has begun. I am now standing in my tent writing in my journal as my men are resting. Not all of them are resting though, for I have some of them guarding in case the enemy decides to make a nighttime attack.
--
Today I have suffered a wound that goes from the right side of my face to the left. The wound starts halfway between my hairline and my eye. It extends over my left eye, and onto my shoulder. I have earned this wound in battle and will wear it’s scar with pride. I sustained it while having a fierce sword duel with one of the captains on the enemies side. He managed to push my own blade out of my hands, and then forced me to dive onto it. I rose up and cleaved off one of his arms. I have heard that he now lays in the medical tent, and is stubbornly fighting the urge to die. I fought this man for a total of ten minutes, yet the duel felt like it lasted far longer. I am glad that I came out victorious…. My father wants me to see one of our magical healers to close the wound permanently. I just may have to do just that so that I can continue to fight.
--
My army was victorious today in one battle, yet the war is not yet over. We have begun to move out to the next battle sight. I heard word that the enemy plans on attacking one of the towns in Aragorn’s kingdom, and have sent word of warning to him.
--
For the next four nights I shall have to lock myself up, for it is time that I become evil.
--
We have come upon the encampment of the enemy just as I got word back from Aragorn. He has decided to send reinforcements, and has informed me that I will be in their command when they arrive. For now it is just my warriors and I battling Rayn’s forces. I am still unaware of how he came to enmass such an army of skilled swordsmen and archers.
--
Now the enemy has urgals and Uruk Hai among their ranks. I found this out just as Aragorn’s reinforcements arrived. They number highly with three hundred men and women. This can be good, for the enemy has a total of only half of my forces.
--
Rayn has reinforcements now. I shall have to think of something to do to lessen their ranks. Some of mine have fallen ill due to bad food.
--
Seeing how the enemy has gained reinforcements, I have ordered that some of my men sneak into their camp during the night to set the camp ablaze.
--
The plan was a success! Most of Rayn’s men are dead or dying. I have received word that Rayn is encamped just a few miles away from where we are. I will take some of my best warriors, and ride out to attack him head on.
--
A week later.

I am now camping just a few short miles away from where Rayn camps. I am going to send a messenger over to find out the reason behind this war.
-_-
Rayn sent back the head of the man that I sent to deliver the message with a message of his own. I too have killed the messenger that he sent. I shall write here word for word his message.

“This war started when your parents wrongly killed my brother, Spartain, for the accusations of waging an attack against your kingdom. I am now taking it upon myself to get revenge. You must be wondering how I gained such an army to fight with me. I acquired them by going from town to town amongst the kingdoms that are not in alliance with yours. You and your family will suffer for what your parents have done! ~Rayn”

So that is what this is about! It’s all just some petty revenge scheme for the death of his brother. I shall have to speak to my mother and father about this.
--
My parents have confirmed that our kingdom was indeed attacked during the night of their wedding, and that my father did indeed sentence Spartain to death. He came to discover that Spartain was not responsible for the attack, but someone else. He fears that this person sits among the Elven Council, but has no idea who they are. He regrets that he could not do anything to make up for the loss of Spartain. I myself am at a loss as for what to do….
--
This is a great wonder. I had worked my way to meet Rayn face to face successfully. When he had seen me he at first put up a great fight. During the duel we had talked to each other and have come to an understanding. I swore to him that I would see to it that the one truly responsible for what happened would pay for their actions, if and only if he, Rayn, were to surrender, and make an allegiance to my family. I was stunned when he actually accepted. This war of ours is now over, and my family has come out victorious.!
--
We had a feast in celebration of the end of the war. There were a lot of deaths on both sides, and now the bodies are being sent back to their families for burial. I have talked to my father about adding a color to our family crest,. He asked which one, and what it would mean. In response I told him that the new color would be maroon, which means victorious in battle. He has accepted, but only agreed that it would be added after I myself become king.
--
15 years later.

My father is gravely ill, and my children are saddened by this, for they love him dearly. My mother is constantly sitting beside his bed, and won’t leave his side for anything. I can see that life in him is growing weak. I should prepare the kingdom for his loss, and prepare myself and Ambyr to become King and Queen over a vast amount of land.
--
It is with a heavy heart that I write this tonight, for my father has passed, leaving my mother in great grief. The people of the kingdom are very saddened by his death, and we have received condolences from the kingdoms that are in an alliance with us, including that of the ones that are not. Clearly my father was respected by the rulers of those kingdoms, and they have all pledged that there will be a time of amnesty between all the kingdoms. My children are beside themselves; crying themselves to sleep during the night. Tomorrow the kingdom will be adorned with black tapestries.
--
Aragorn has now given his kingdom over to be under my ruling, for he seems to sense that I will be a greater king than even my own father was. He has also fulfilled his promise.
-_-
Three months later.

Aunt Daneris came to me today. She looked like she had been attacked. She was bleeding almost from head to toe. I now have her resting in the infirmary with the accompaniment of the most skilled healers. They are working on her as I write this even now. I am told that Aunt Daneris is stubbornly attempting to flee the infirmary; I am not surprised by this.
--
I just payed a visit to my adoptive aunt, and from her I have discovered that she was indeed attacked by someone on the Elven Council. She refuses to tell me who it was, for she fears that they will come after me and my family once I learn of their identity.
--
A year later.

I am enraged right now. My hand shakes with fury as I write. Someone has killed my sons and their beautiful mother! Daneris has now decided to tell me who attacked her. It was none other than Tritain! Tritain will suffer for this, even if it takes many years to make her pay!
-_-
Two years later.

I have battled many wars, and have won most if not all of them. My mother has sadly passed on to go be with my father, but she has gone at a age acceptable for her to die. Yet I am saddened by her loss. My heart feels like it has been torn out of my chest, stomped on, torn apart, fed to the dogs, and then shoved back into my chest.
--
I have saved Aunt Daneris from being killed yet again! This time she was being attacked by several men; a small army. I quickly swept in and killed them all. She was to in shock to thank me for saving her this time.
--
I was gifted by an elderly elf named Thurinmor with a long life. I had saved him from an assassination attempt. Despite his name, I have found out that he is actually a very kind soul. He told me that he once held a seat on the Elven Council, but was forced out of it. I let Daneris know of his gift, and she told me that it is rare for an elf to give this gift (even more so to a human). I am grateful for his gift, yet I am saddened that I must watch those that I love grow old and die while I myself stay looking youthful. This is why I have decided to try to stay away from relations that would only hurt me in the end.
-_-
A month later.

I was awakened to the sound of screams last night. I am writing this far outside of my kingdom. I regret that I had to flee to save my own hide, and by doing so, surrendering my kingdom. I have a feeling that I know exactly who has taken my kingdom away from me.
-_-
Many years later.

It has been many years, almost a century now, since I last wrote. I have been forced to change my name many times. There are now a total of two hundred fifty generations of Luxs in my family, and they are all actually me. Aunt Daneris has managed to come to me. She had brought a witch with her named Sally, and a man by the name of Lumen. Tomorrow night they will lock me up.
Oh, I forgot to mention that I am now remembering exactly what I do while in my ‘time of darkness’. I call the periods of when I am evil this, for it accurately describes that time. These words shall also act as a warning to those that are aware of the curse that is upon me. She thinks that the so called ‘Lux I’ had died many years ago of old age. I find it amusing that she thinks that the line of the family Tenebris has officially died out. I am anxiously awaiting to see the look on her face when she discovers that the one and only Lux is still alive and well!
--
Lumen, that fool, had released me while I was evil. We happened to attack an encampment of Tritain’s, and I had nearly killed Aunt Daneris. If it were not for Lumen realizing his mistake and plunging his sword through my stomach, I fear that I very well might have killed her. Lumen is, or was, a skilled warrior. I happened to slice off one of his hands after he stabbed me in the back. This makes him incapable of wielding a bow and arrow, but I hope that he can still be useful with a sword. If retrained properly, he could once again be a skilled swordsman. I might take it upon myself to retrain him for payment for taking one of his hands. He was taken away by Tritain’s men.. Sally came upon me during the morning hours, and decided to take me to the ruins of Osgiliath to heal me in secret. She shall heal me through the work of magics.
--
3 months later.

My wound has fully healed, and I have asked Sally if she'd like to assist me in rescuing Lumen. She accepted, and managed to send word in secret to Daneris, who has also decided to assist us. She will distract the guards while Sally magically takes the keys from them. Daneris also has some men that are willing to help. They shall watch for anyone else that is going to the dungeons, and distract them. While this is happening, Sally will hand me the keys, and I will go to free Lumen.
--
We have successfully rescued Lumen just a day before Tritain changed her mind to having him executed. Lumen was, and I expected this, shocked that I am still alive. He at first refused to go with me, but when he was told of his impending death, he changed his mind, and reluctantly decided that he’d come with us. We managed to get free of the castle through an underground passageway that was hidden from Tritain. It was made in the days of my father’s ruling as an escape route if ever needed. He had it sealed and hidden by magic. The path leads to a cave well outside of the walls of the citadel and into a field made of stone. The cave is also hidden from view with magic. From the outside it looks like an abandoned mine.
We rode from there and came upon a shack. Lumen decided that he had wanted to live there. As it turns out, that same shack happens to be on the small space of land that my grandfather had given to Daneris and Urchin, so it was already stocked with what was needed for one to live there. I had Sally put magic around the exterior to make it look as if there was nothing but a flat, useless expanse of land there. The cabin could only be made out by the outlines of a very old looking foundation, and once someone was inside, the actual cabin could be seen. Lumen thanked me once he discovered that it was my plan to rescue him, and after learning of my curse in its entirety, he slowly started to trust me again. I too, in time, came to find out that he is somehow now immune to my gaze during the dark time.
--
5 months later.

Aunt Daneris is pregnant again; this time with twins! She has decided to give me the gift of a long life as payment for assisting her in her times of need. As a result, I shall live even longer than I already should have. Her husband, Urchin, has charged me with protecting them and their children. I have talked Aunt Daneris into having her children live with two separate families after they are birthed.
I assured her that it would better their chances for survival. I have promised her that these children will be well taken care of, for I am going to watch over them through the use of the mirror that was given to my parents as a wedding gift by none other than my adoptive aunt and uncle themselves. Luckily I have had the foresight to hide it in the ruins of Osgiliath before my kingdom was taken from me.

kay here's a short one because the other was kinda long. . whoops

"And remember, if it goes to shit, every man for himself until we meet back up in Utria. Camille, you can handle the southwest tower. Simon gets the northeast tower. Bastian and I get the front gate."
Fenin locked eyes with Bastian, unwilling to forgive him for his unexplained absence, daring him to object to the plan. Bastian gazed coolly back, arms crossed. I matched his defiant stance, glaring at Fenin openly, hoping he'd sense my disapproval. He shouldn't have blamed Bastian. Not that Fenin cared what I thought.
"Get your gear together. As soon as it's dark, we're headed out."
The others broke to sort the variety of guns and explosives Fenin had procured. I was about to do this same, when a hand grabbed my shoulder, turning me back.
"Can I speak to you privately?" Fenin asked stiffly.
My eyebrows shot up. "Sure," I said, unsure.
He led me out of earshot of the others. Gesturing at my jacket, at the papers he knew were hidden inside a pocket, he said, "I think you should leave them here."
"What?"
"The papers. The travel papers," he said impatiently. "The ones that'll get us out of–"
"Yes, I know," I snapped back. "And no. Absolutely not."
I turned to walk away, but Fenin caught me again.
"You'd rather risk losing them to the Empire if you get caught?"
"We won't get caught," I said. I tried to tug away, but his grip on my arm tightened.
"You don't know that." His eyebrows scrunched up in that familiar annoyed look. "We're breaking into a highly secured prison camp with four people. Our plan is risky at best. Suicide at worst."
"If we get caught, it won't matter about the papers anyway."
Fenin laughed if you could call it that. It was more a harsh bark of disgust. "I won't rot in there. If we get caught, we'll either escape or die trying. And if we do escape, I want a way out of this hell-hole.”
It almost made sense—almost.
“No. I’d rather hold on to them.” I pulled at his hand. His grip was starting to hurt.
"You're ignoring basic logic," he said, his hold never faltering.
"Let me go."
His voice took on the apathetic quality that told me his temper was rising. “What’s actually going on?”
“Nothing! I just want them. They were given to me by my mom—"
“That’s a load of horse shit," he said.
"Fine! I don’t want to let the only thing tying us together out of my sight. I know you! You’d want to—to—" I couldn't say the rest to his face, which was a frigid calm.
“Steal them and leave," he finished. For a moment, I thought I saw an expression on his face–a soft one, almost regretful. Then it iced over like it was never there and he dropped my arm. "You’re right, I would. Keep the damn papers.” He walked away, back into earshot of the others.
“Fenin–!" I called. Instinctively, I knew I'd made a mistake, hurt him. I don't know how, but I'd managed to get beneath his heavy armor.
He ignored my call.

Hunt #1: Twanda Rodes
“Okay.” Grabbing a laptop, she begins booking a private jet.
“Don’t bother with that silly flight box thing. Just show me where we have to go, and I’ll pop us over there. We’d be there a lot faster anyway.” George had taught William about airplanes, and he found it really amusing that these human creatures would actually want to be in them instead of safely on the ground. He also found it funny that flight was the safest way to travel when numerous things could happen; such as the pilots getting possessed. She grabs a map and points to Italy.
“There.” William looked to where she was pointing. She pointed at a place that looked like a giant boot that was on the other side of the planet.
“Alright. Grab your things that you humans need to live, and whatever else you need. Then come back to me.” He said. William walked out to find the old man. He found him in the sitting room looking at a pornographic magazine. Filthy bastard. “George, we’re going after Twanda.” He sat up in a panicked rush, trying to hide what he was looking at.
“Oh, uh, have fun, be safe, and don’t get caught by the authorities over there.” George warned. William waved him off.
“Yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah. They even catch us I can just zap us out of there Georgie boy.” William snarkily replied while walking out. He stopped by his room to gather some weaponry. Hey, even a demon likes to get physical. Nadia stood waiting with only a backpack.
“I have everything.” She said. William looked at her. She really didn’t look like much, but she could hold her own in a fight.
Like I’m gonna need your help anyway. William snorted. “Grab onto me, and hold on tight. I did this once with George and he almost fell from 3,000 feet.” He told her.
“Okay.” She says, grabbing his hand. She kept her distance though. William pretended to lose grip of her once to freak her out. The expression on her face was hysterical.
“Oops, just about lost ya there.” He said once they were in Italy. “So, where should we start?” She sighs.
“Look around. Where is the one place someone would fit in?” William did this, and spotted many places that ‘someone would fit in’ at. Tourists were swarming about, dotting the landscape. Vespas zoomed around them, and there were many bars and restaurants lining the streets.
“A bar would be a good place to start.” He admitted.
“Okay then, lets find a hotel.” She says. William looked at her.
“What’s a hotel?” He asked. George hadn’t taught him about those yet. She grabs his hand.
“I’ll show it to you. It’s a place where you stay.” She pulled him down the street and into a building. A sign reading Hotel Dell’Angelo hung outside the building. William somehow knew that the name meant The Angel’s Hotel.
“How ironic; a demon in a building of this name.” He said while Nadia was walking up to the desk.
“A room with two separate beds please.”
“How will you be paying?” She reaches into her purse and takes out around $100. “Will this do?”
“Names?”
“Just put down the Clarks.” She says with a smile as the concierge hands her the key. They walk to a room that looks like any other hotel room, but there are little statues of angels in the room, and a painting of the archangel, Michael.
“Get these things out of here!” William says while picking up one of the angels.
“Put it down.” Nadia says. He walks over to a closet.
“We can at least put them in here until we leave.” He says, and starts putting the angels in there.
“That works, those things creep me out. Then again so does the real thing.” William laughed at this.
“Those winged dicks can just die!” He looked at the painting of Michael. “As for that, I have no idea what to do with it.” Nadia walks over, carefully removes the picture, and places it under one of the beds.
“Get your things unpacked, grab what you think you’ll need, and then we can start looking for Twanda…. George didn’t tell me if she was a hunter or had powers. He also didn’t tell me what she did that was so bad to make him want her dead.”
“I have no clue what she does, nor what she did. All I know is what she looks like.” She begins unpacking and then quickly places her hair up in a ponytail. “George hardly gives reason to why he wants someone dead.”
William pulled out two daggers. They both looked very beautiful with an ornate design on them. Runes can be seen in the blades if one simply were to look closely.
“Ready?” He asks her while walking out the door.
“Yes.” She says, placing something in her right boot that looked like a small knife.
“Let’s start at a bar.” He lead Nadia into a small, dank bar called the Gilded Rose. The inside looks rather nice for being a bar joint. People are sitting at the bar and tables drinking, eating, talking, and watching TV. William walked up to the bar. The bartender is a beautiful woman with her blonde hair pulled back into a braid.
“Can I help you?” She asks.
“You may. I was wondering if you knew someone named Twanda Rodes.” The bartender looks at him for a minute.
“May I ask why you’re looking for that particular person?”
“I have come at the behest of her grandfather. He’s a rich man, and he’s very sick. He has named Twanda in his will.” He lied. Being a demon he is very convincing when not telling the truth.
“Oh, that’s a shame, but I’m sorry. I don’t know her.” The bartender said. Nadia mingles with other people. She seemed to be thinking. She heads to William with a smile, touching his shoulder.
“She’s here.” He turned to face her, holding the tip of one dagger to her stomach. He starts to look around, and sees someone slip out through the door.
“And now she’s gone again. You should have stayed on her.” He says, sounding very unhappy.
“Well then I should tell you she’s staying at the hotel.” William smirks right here, and immediately runs out the door after Twanda, not waiting for Nadia.
This kill is mine! He thought. Nadia walked slowly behind him. William disappeared from sight. He was now standing in the lobby of the hotel, waiting for Twanda to walk in. He stood behind a pillar to hide himself from view. A few seconds later he saw Twanda come in. She ran to the elevator, and got on it. He watched for what floor that it would stop at.
6th floor. He made sure that nobody could see him, and zapped himself to the sixth floor of the Hotel Dell’Angelo. He picked up a newspaper, and put it in front of his face. William watched Twanda go to her room, and then walked back down to the lobby to meet Nadia; she was just walking in.
“Well?” She asked.
“Sixth floor, room 205. Come on slowpoke.” They started for the elevator. She picks up her speed. Together they run down the hall to Twanda’s room. William telekinetically busts the door off of it’s hinges. Twanda stood packing her things in a rush. He could only see that Twanda was 5’7”, and had blonde hair.
“Hello Twanda.” William says.
“Who are you?” Twanda snaps at them, trying to sound normal and not scared. She was now facing the two. Her green eyes were looking directly at William, checking him out.
“All you need to know, you slut, is that George sent us. He told me to tell you that he says hi.” William responded.
“Damn him!” She yells, throwing something at him. He stops the object, and turned it back at Twanda. Her eyes went wide as she dodged the object. William laughed evilly. The sound of it scared both Twanda and Nadia.
“He sent me to kill you!” William said with a smile spread across his face. He was enjoying this.
“Of course the bastard sent you and his whore!” Twanda snaps. Nadia’s hand twitched in anger. William revealed his ‘true’ eye color. His eyes go completely black, and he makes the 26” TV hit Twanda. He smirked.
“I’m a demon, you bitch! Prepare to die!” Twanda’s eyes go huge. She pulls out a golden crucifix. This makes William laugh.
“It seems that you’ve been watching one too many movies.” He says while running forward. He slams into Twanda, and lands multiple hits to her face. Twanda fought back. She tried to punch him, but he quickly held her arms down telekinetically. “Is this all you’ve got? You’re pathetic!”
“You're the demon scum!” She snaps. He decides to let her arms go so that she can fight back. Twanda starts speaking an exorcism ritual. William acts like it’s working on him for a while before he starts to laugh.
“Stupid whore, this is my body; I don’t need a fucking meat suit!” Nadia doesn’t catch this. Twanda then turns her attention to Nadia. Thinking ‘If he can't die, then she can.’ She jumps at Nadia, who lets her knock her to the ground. Twanda smiles. Nadia looks back at William.
You want the damn kill, then kill her. He pulls out one of his daggers, slams Twanda into the wall, holds her there, and walks over. He slowly plunged the blade into her gut, and then sliced into her throat. Twanda slumps down onto the floor, drowning on her own blood. William then stabs her over 30 times in the chest. Blood went all over the place, and soaked the plush white carpeting. The room didn’t look messy enough, so he telekinetically threw everything around. He then turned to look at Nadia, soaked in Twanda’s blood. Nadia was staring at him, horrified at his brutality. He drags Twanda’s body into the bathroom, closes the door behind himself, and locks it. He walked out almost an hour later pulling his zipper up.
“One.” William said with a smile. Nadia stands up and walks out back to their room, locking herself in the bathroom. “What’s wrong Nadi? The job’s done. Twanda’s dead!” He said through the door. He smiled to himself.
Now that she’s completely scared the fuck out of me, I know that she won’t dare try to cross me. He thought. In the bathroom, Nadia was reliving a memory. She was on the floor, gripping a knife in her hand.
This was a mistake, I should've told George I wasn’t ready to work with a demon.
William called George using a burner.
“How are things over there, William?” George asked.
“Things went great Georgie boy!” He said.
“Is Twanda dead?”
“Fuck yeah!”
“Good. She deserved it for breaking into my house to steal some things.”
“So that’s what this was about. Oh well, it doesn’t matter to me. As long as I get to kill people I’m happy.”
“How’s Nadia?”
“She’s fucking useless. She let Twanda give us the slip, and then just stood there watching while I kicked Twanda’s ass. I think that I may have gone and really frightened her. She’s locked herself in the bathroom, George.” He fell silent for a second. “Poor baby.” William says sarcastically.
“Well I’m just glad to hear that Twanda’s dead. Good job, my son.” George hangs up.
“I’m not your fucking son, you old perverted stupid man.” William says to himself out loud. Nadia comes out of the bathroom, her face showing no emotion as she begins to pack her things. William goes into the bathroom to take a shower. He scrubs off all of the blood. On his back were several different scars. They wound all the way around his body. These were the result of millenniums of torture in Hell. He could heal them, but he preferred that they stay on his body. William took a black t-shirt, black socks, and black jeans into the bathroom with him. He came out fully dressed to see that Nadia was ready.
“You have the list. What’s the next name, and where to?” William asked.
“Lashell Brody; Russia, and she’s very well known. I hope you know what a suit is.” She says. He stares at her, and tilts his head.