forum Critique and criticize my 2nd chapter

Started May 01, 2020 by Deleted user

tune

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(Here goes nothing, again)
Chapter 2

As God and Satan were walking down Main Street, New York, Azrael appeared.

“If Vozreal gains his physical form, all is lost. The Being Whose Name Must Never Be Muttered By Human Tongue will win if he gains physical form,” Azrael said. Azrael vanished.

“What was that about?” Satan asked.

“Beats me,” God replied.

“Let’s get something to eat.”

“I can’t eat human food.”

“Why?”

“Because that would be like killing my creations.”

“Oh please, you’ve killed a lot of your creations before. Besides, everything’s fake nowadays.” And so they went to go grab some burgers.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Montana, someone was trying to summon a Demon. Why they were summoning a Demon, I don’t know. They (let’s call them The Summoner for now) were outside in a forest at 7:04 p.m. The Summoner had everything ready. The Summoner chanted some words in Latin. A being came, but it wasn’t a Demon. It was Vozreal.

“Hello, Master,” The Summoner said. The Summoner was a woman.

“Paradox Vortex, it is good to be back! Hello, Baylee Vesat,” Vozreal said. He was a being that looked very much like a human. He had crimson red eyes that were terrifying to look at. He wore a black tuxedo.

"How do you know my name?”

“I know lots of things,” Vozreal said this like he knew everything.

“What are you?”

“That's not important. Here, have a giant eyeball with a mouth that’s perpetually screaming.” Vozreal snapped his fingers. The eyeball with a mouth appeared. The eyeball’s mouth was part of the eyeball itself. It was roaring like it was in pain.

“You’re insane!”

“Sure I am, what’s your point?”

“Listen to me! I need you to help me with something.”

“What?”

“I need you to help me take over the world.”

“I need to think about it.” Vozreal pretended to think about it for a second.

“Alright, I’m sold. We got a deal?”

“It’s a deal.” Vozreal and Baylee Vesat (aka The Summoner) shook hands in agreement.

Back at Purgatory, Stanley (the ruler of Purgatory), Satan and God were chatting.

“So, you’re the new ruler of Purgatory, aye?” Satan asked.

“Oh my me, Satan, You can’t just ask people if they’re the new ruler of Purgatory,” God said.

“Yes I am,” Stanley said. Stanley, Satan, and God chatted for a while.

I'll do my best to be honest but gentle with this: some of this feels like Gravity Falls fanfic. There's nothing wrong with that, but the constant references to the show is just too much. If you want to have something original, like, really original, you need to branch out and take inspiration from more sources than just GF (I'm a fan too, but I avoid overloading my work with references to my favorite shows). You have an interesting premise, but you're leaning on other works, using them as a crutch instead of having your work stand upright.
Some good things: Azrael and Allison feel like interesting characters from what I've read and seen about them, but a lot of this writing is just directly quoting GF.
You've described Vozreal as a discount Bill Cipher, and if that's how you, as the author of these characters, view them, then that isn't a good sign.
Okay, I feel like I'm being a little hard on you, and I am. Your premise has lots of interesting things going for it: like, challenging what hell and heaven are like, and what God and Satan are - them getting burgers was humorous and pretty interesting, questioning what they do just for normal things. And Paradox Vortex is a cool town name, haha.
Hope this helped. Keep writing!