Interesting! I like a lot of the elements going on here!
Let's dive right into the critiquing tho:
First thing I notice is the head-hopping. The POV jump is never a good idea in the middle of a scene, especially a heated, actiony scene like this one. Keep it to one character until you bring a scene to a close! I totally understand the temptation because you want the reader to get what both sides of the story look like, in the intimate way that first person narrative is. I get that. I'm struggling with the same problem with my WIP cause i've decided to stick with one POV character and it's in first person and my character is, well…not the most observant, so explaining things is sometimes hard. But unreliable narrators are both a curse and a blessing! You can do some really cool foreshadowing and irony etc if you have an unreliable narrator! I would think about that…
Second thing. I notice that you spend a lot of time in the two character's internal thoughts during the action scene. It's not effective in drawing the reader into the action, so i'd try and cut some of it out?
And besides that, it's generally ineffective in conveying emotion as well, because you're telling not showing. (i know i know, here we go with the whole classic writers advice) No but seriously! I think that your writing can improve by showing with body language and dialog the thoughts the characters are having! And this is a product of the POV jumping thing because it's easy to just poof be in another character's head, and spell out exactly what they are thinking.
This takes away some of the magic of narrative story-telling! Most of the story is not going to be told inside someone's head; the story is outside, in actions and words.
If you forgo head-hopping, then the telling rather than showing the character's thoughts will automatically be fixed (partially. you'll still have to think and work through it)
some random grammar notes:
Don't use a double punctuation. Like this?! It looks and feels unprofessional and is unnecessary.
Mind your verb tenses. You write in past tense but sometimes get mixed up or use words that don't belong in the past tense realm. Your passage:
I felt a shove and some pain in my back, turning to see the ever so cute Allania. She seemed so feisty right now. Wait. What was happening with her eyes . Her normal Lagoon eyes were changing. The gold ring near the pupils was staring to take over the Lagoon that normally surrounded it. What was going on? I don’t like this.
I'd change to:
I felt a shove and some pain in my back and turned (the action didn't make sense to me here, because using a gerund verb shows that it's happening at the same time as the other one, while using a conjunction shows that they happened one after the other) to see the ever so cute Allania. She seemed angry. And her eyes. What was happening with her eyes? They were changing. The gold ring near the pupils was staring to take over the Lagoon that normally surrounded it. What was going on?
'Nother grammar note: You use the word "so" a lot (i getcha, i do it too) but try to cut it. It's mostly unnecessary.
Also, all caps is a general no-no (that's what i've heard) and it also serves to make your writing feel and seem less professional. I get what you were trying to convey, and it works fine with the caps, but it'd work better with using words.
“Lani. Calm down. We can’t have HIM knowing.” He was being so friendly.
becomes
"Lani. Calm down. We can't have him knowing." Ramond emphasized the word "him" significantly and I frowned. He was being unusually friendly.
anyways, good show, mate, good show! Keep it up and keep writing!
