forum Critics
Started by @Sugar-Lover
tune

people_alt 4 followers

@WriteOutofTime

Hi, can you critique a short scene of mine?

It’d been a while since Dara had a full-fledged panic attack. Sure, she still got anxious, especially in social settings, but it hadn’t been this bad in ages. Rocking back and forth, crying, hyperventilating –all of it.

The mess from the morning’s experiment was still strewn about. She had tried to clean it up, but her shaking hands had been completely useless. Then, when she melted into a puddle of anxiety, all the rest of her had become useless.
Her brain wouldn’t shut up. What if someone was watching her? What if she wasn’t supposed to discover this? What if it was some big secret, some big conspiracy? Why was the Board trying to stop her? Why? Why? Why?

“Squirrelly?” Her twin brother’s voice cut through the frenzied voice in her mind, startling her. She jumped and gasped, scooting back even further into the corner she was curled up in. Daso approached her hesitantly, his hands raised in a placating gesture. “Squirrelly, hey, it’s me. What’s going on?” His voice was quiet and unassuming.

She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. “It’s…I…the…Dragons… I think someone is watching me. I think someone is actually watching me and I think they’re going to burst in any minute and kill me because I did something wrong but all I did was try to help and now-"

“Shh. Hey.” He crouched so that he was eyelevel with her and smiled one of his gentler grins. “What did we used to do when it got bad like this?”

Dara glared at him. “I’m n-not a child anymore.” She sniffled.

“I am, so eff you,” he replied, holding up his wrist. The bracelet she made him so many years ago swayed with his movement. “You know you want to. C’mon.”

With a bitter scowl, she held up her own wrist, showing off the bracelet he had made for her. Overdramatic as always, Daso slammed his wrist into hers, practically yelling, “Twin bond, activated!” He lowered his voice. “Now. Let’s sync up. Breath with me?”

Rolling her eyes but still out of breath, she managed to listen for his breathing. She made an effort to match her own inhales with his. Finally, her heartrate began to slow, and she could think clearly again. She was dead tired, but at least she was better.

“So, what’s all the fuss about?” Daso asked, sitting next to her with his back against the wall. He was being purposefully calm, and she could tell. He was stressed, too.

She sighed, wiping away sweat and tears from her face. “My research. When I told you I’d been promoted, I actually meant that the Board changed me to a different sector of research to stop me from researching what I was previously researching. I mean it could be a coincidence. Right? Maybe they just wanted to see if I could handle a change like that.”

“So, when you say research,” he said, “you mean the Dragon cell stuff you were doing? What could possibly be wrong with that?”

Dara shrugged, not meeting his gaze. “I don’t know. I hate that I don’t know. Nyir acted like it was some big conspiracy and I’ve honestly never seen her so terrified so I just…don’t know. She told me to clean everything and get out of here as fast as I could. But I…well. You know.”

“Okay.” Daso was still maintaining his calm. “I guess we should grab all this stuff and do what Nyir said. I mean, she’s probably being paranoid. But since you weren’t supposed to be in here, it’s best if we clear out anyway, yeah?”

“Yeah, true.” She hesitated. “Sorry for acting all hysterical. Lots of emotions. Sleep deprivation. Caffeine.”

He shrugged. “You’re always hysterical. I’m used to it.” He grinned and stood up, holding out a hand to her. “Let’s get all this stuff cleaned up. But after that you’ll owe me a favor. Got it?”

“Yeah,” she agreed, rolling her eyes. “Got it.” She accepted his proffered hand and stood up. Her legs were still shaking, but from exhaustion more than fear. Anxiety attacks always tired her out.

The two of them began cramming all of her equipment into boxes. Everything she’d used that wasn’t hers was cleaned thoroughly and placed back to where it used to be. Dara’s hand hesitated over the Dragon eye cells. She needed the evidence, she decided before cramming them into a plastic bag and then into the box.

“Got everything?” Daso asked, carrying one of the boxes.

She nodded, starting to make her way towards the exit. “I think so. Outside security cameras will have footage of our being here, but they can’t prove anything else. I hope.”

“They’ll just think you’re cleaning up for your move to the fifth floor,” he agreed. He followed her to the door, holding it open with his foot as she walked out onto the sidewalk.

In the damp air, Dara felt her mind start to clear. The clinical smell of the lab had not helped her in any way. Now that she could think, she almost laughed at how stupid she’d been acting. There was no weird conspiracy. She didn’t need to be so paranoid.

“Dara.” Daso’s voice was subdued. “Don’t investigate. Keep your head down.”

Dara looked at him, her blood running cold. “What?”

He smiled at her as though to contradict his tone. “I just mean, I know how bad your curiosity gets. I don’t want anything to happen to you, you know?”

She shook her head. She guessed she looked panicked, because he cut her off before she could respond. “Know what? Forget I said anything. I’m just being overprotective.”

He started down the street towards their home, humming under his breath as though he hadn’t a care in the world. It was all a
front, Dara was sure of it. Why would he warn her, then change his mind? No, he must know something. He must at least suspect that she’d be in danger if she pursued this path.

With his blithe singing in her ears and her own tumultuous thoughts swirling about in her head, she continued towards her home. Dread ate at the corners of her mind, and with it, overwhelming curiosity.

Daso was right. She really couldn’t help herself.