forum Constructive criticism plez

Started June 02, 2019 by @galaxyunicorn-is-in-love-with-starry

tune

(This is going to be a long post…sorry :/)
I have my first four chapters written and I would like some constructive criticism
Edit: I think I’ll put each chapter on a different post

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✧ One / Emma ✧

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I Receive Shocking News from a Princess

I always had a connection to dreams. I would always go on exciting adventures in my mind to escape reality, during the night and during the day. But I never thought this could mean anything. I always thought it was just because of my huge imagination. And I never thought any of it was real. I had no idea how I was about to be proven wrong.

——

“Emma,” my teacher said.

“What?” I said, snapping back to reality. I could hear my classmates snickering. I had been daydreaming during class again.

“I said,” my teacher continued. “What is the square root of one hundred forty-four?”

“Twelve,” I answered.

Oh, right, I remembered. I’m in math class. Such an easy class to zone out of.

The bell rang to save us.

“Class is over,” my teacher dismissed us. “We’ll continue this tomorrow.”

After I gathered my things, I met my best friend Liam at the lockers.
“How were your daydreams,” he asked smiling. He knew me too well.
“Good,” I answered. “I mostly was imagining myself inside the world of my book. Not very creative today.”

“That’s alright,” he said. “You always come up with the best stories, so one uncreative day won’t do anything.”

Liam and I had been best friends since I moved here and he had been the first to welcome me to this school. It was in fourth grade, four years ago, when I was much more shy than I am now. It was lunchtime, and since it was my first day at this school and I was too shy to make friends, I sat alone. A boy with blond hair came over to where I was sitting.

“Is this seat taken?” He asked.

I shook my head but continued to stare at my food.

“I’m Liam.” He reached out his hand to shake mine, but I just kept staring at my food. “What’s your name?”

“E-Emma. Emma Wilson,” I answered.

Eventually I became less shy and we became friends. We’ve been friends ever since.

The school day was over before I knew it. Once I completed my homework and ate dinner, I plopped on my bed and pulled my long, brown hair into a ponytail. The purple ends fell over my shoulders as I opened my book. When I finally looked up from the pages a few hours later, my clock informed me that it was 11:00. I figured I should get to bed.

I probably should let you know that I was expecting dreams. I always had the most magical dreams. But I never imagined the would be trying to tell me something important. After tonight I decided I would start listening to them, because tonight I would receive the news that would change my life forever.

As I drifted off to sleep, I found myself in a beautiful, huge garden, with trees the size of skyscrapers and flowers as big as baby elephants. In the distance I saw an enormous white palace, with gorgeous stained-glass windows framed with gold. It almost seemed to be calling to me. As I approached, I noticed a girl about my age standing patiently outside the door. She had shoulder-length raven-black, and her eyes seemed to contain a whole universe. Atop her head lay a silver diadem, and she wore a shimmering silver dress that contrasted against her light brown skin.

“Hello, Emmeline,” she addressed.

How does she know my name? I wondered. It also occurred to me that others rarely addressed me with my full first name. Everyone always called me Emma.

“Who are you?” I asked. “Where am I? And how do you know my name?”

“Do you not recognize this place?” The girl replied. “This is Emmelinia. You created it.”

The name did sound familiar. I recalled creating a world called Emmelinia when I was seven years old. But it was real?

“Yes it is real,” the girl continued, as if reading my mind. “As for who I am, I am Princess Kamaria Moonsong of Emmelinia. But I prefer you call me Kam.”

“And you can call me Emma,” I said.

I wondered why I was here. What did Kam want to tell me?

“You may be wondering why you are here.” This girl definitely had magic mind-reading powers. “I’m here to deliver to news that will change your life. You are a somnium.”

I was genuinely confused at this point. “What’s a somnium?” I asked. “And what does this mean?”

“Have you ever wondered where dreams come from?” Kam asked. She continued before I had the chance to answer. “There is a race of people called the somnia. They each have their own special talent and help out with dreams in their own way. Some are writers. They write a script for the dream to use. Some are painters. They paint the images that appear in your mind. Some are the healers. They heal anyone who is hurt in the dream.”

“Which one am I?” I asked.

“That is to be decided,” Kam answered. “I apologize. It is almost morning and I must go. Go to the tree in the nearest park. We can talk more tomorrow”

Before I could ask what tree I needed to go to and why I need to go there, the dream faded and I awoke.

I never have been a morning person. Today especially. I wanted to stay in the dream so I could here more about these somnia people. But Kam had told me to find the tree if I wanted to learn more.

I dragged myself out of bed and checked the calendar. It was Saturday. Thank goodness! Now the bigger questions: How do I know what tree to go to, and how do I know what to do once I get there?

There was also the question lingering at the back of my mind: What was I going to tell my parents? I didn’t know how long I would be gone. And I had no idea how I was going to explain about the somnia, or if they would believe me.

“Good morning, sweetie,” my mom said as I came out of my room. They were each drinking a cup of coffee, and there was one on the coffee table for me.

“Mom…Dad…” Ugh. I had no idea how I was going to tell them. But I can’t just back down now.

They looked at me as if they were expecting more, which I’m sure they were.

I ripped off the bandage. “A princess appeared in my dream and told me I’m this thing called a somnium and I need to go to a tree to learn more.”

Great. They probably thought I was crazy.

Instead, they surprised me. They seemed to understand.

“Was her name Kamaria?” My mom asked.

“Were you in Emmelinia?” My dad asked.

“Umm…yes,” I answered, still shocked they believed me.

“Go ahead,” Dad said.

I left without another word, leaving my coffee on the table to get cold.

I basically live next door to the park, so it wasn’t a long walk. When I arrived, I instantly knew which tree to go to. It towered above the rest and had a sort of regal aura. How I never noticed this before, I had no idea, but that wasn’t important now.

Standing under the tree waiting for me was Kam.

“Good morning, Emma,” she said.

“Good morning,” I replied.

“Are you ready?”

I’m not sure what I was supposed to be ready for, but I nodded.

“We need to touch the tree at the same time,” Kam instructed. I obliged.

We were encased in a golden light, and my world disappeared.

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✧ Two / Emma ✧

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I Am Crushed to Death by a New Friend

We arrived in the palace garden we were in last night.

“If we walk around to the back of the castle we’ll be with the other somnia.”

We did, and there they were. In different places there were groups of people doing the same thing. Some were bent over desks writing. Some were standing at easels with beautiful paintings on their canvases. Some seemed to be rehearsing for some kind of play in front of a green screen.

One of the painters looked up from her easel. Her face lit up when she saw me and she tackled me with a hug. “New friend!”

“Can’t…breathe…” I choked.

She let go. “Sorry!”

“This is Lia.” Kam smiled. “She’s our most skilled painter and our resident hug dealer.”

Lia was wearing a white blouse and pastel pink skirt spotted with paint. She had dark hair that curled at the end and round glasses. She had bright, sparkling brown eyes and a huge, friendly smile that spread from ear to ear.

“Ash!” She called to another painter. “Come here! New friend!”

Another painter looked up—Ash, I assumed it was. Ash was mostly androgynous, had short hair the color of the sky, and eyes that looked like emeralds.

The person waved and walked up to us. “Hey.”

“This is my best friend Ash and they’re amazing!” Lia introduced as she hugged Ash.

“They…?” I said.

“I’m non-binary,” Ash answered. “My pronouns are they and them.”

I nodded and acted like I understood, but to be honest, I wasn’t sure what that meant. I would respect their pronouns and hope they explained more. Since they seemed to be done talking, Kam continued my tour.

“As you can see, these are the painters,” she said. She walked over to the people bent over writing. She spoke in a softer voice, “These are the writers. I suggest that you stay quiet over here. They don’t like to be disturbed.” One writer glared at Kam for a second before going back to writing. We moved well away from them before Kam continued. “And over there are the actors. They are the people that appear in your dreams, but they look different to everyone. There are also the healers, but they don’t need much practice. They have the magic ability to heal. They heal anyone who gets hurt in a dream.”

“Which one am I?” I pondered.

“I’m not sure, but I have a guess,” Kam replied. “I can’t tell you though.”

I looked over to where the healers were gathered talking to one another. Wait a minute…is that…?

He looked my way and waved. “Hi, Emma!”

“Liam?” I asked. “You’re a somnium too?”

“Yep!” He said. “I’m a healer, but you can see that. What about you?”

“I don’t know.”

“I think I know,” Liam said, “but the rules say I can’t tell you.”

Ugh! Why is no one allowed to tell me?

Kam used her mind-reading powers on me once again. “I’m sure you want to know which group you belong to, so I’ll take you to my father.”

She teleported us back to the palace. We walked down long, elegantly decorated hallways until we reached a door that read, “NEW SOMNIA.”

We swung open the door and found ourselves in a hall at the end of a line of somnia.

“I’ll wait for you here,” Kam said.

The line went quick, and soon I was at the front. In front me was King Moonsong, Kamaria’s father. He resembled his daughter in several ways—the same light brown skin, the same dark hair—but he gave off a different vibe I couldn’t quite describe.

“Are you here to find out which group you belong to?” He asked.

“Yes.” I swallowed. He wasn’t as easy to talk to as Kam.

The king closed his eyes and concentrated for a minute before opening them again. “Writer.”

Afterwards I met Kam outside the hall and told her which group I was part of. She directed me to the other writers and introduced me to my mentor.

“Emma, meet your mentor, Caleb Clark,” she said. “Caleb, this is Emma.”

“Hi.” Caleb smiled and held out his hand for me to shake, which I did.

“Hello,” I said. “You’re nothing like my first impression of the writers.”

“Yeah,” he replied. “Some of us are a little standoffish, but I assure you we all aren’t.”

He had kind brown eyes, dark brown hair, and tan skin. He certainly seemed a lot more outgoing and friendly than that writer who had glared at Kam. In fact, the way he smiled and shook my hand reminded me, just a little, of Liam. I think I got a pretty good mentor.

After a couple of hours of Caleb showing me around and teaching me about writer stuff, the sun began to set.

The king’s voice was heard around us, as if it were coming from a loudspeaker. “WILL ALL SOMNIA RETURN TO THEIR DORMS IN THE PALACE FOR THE NIGHT.”

Uhh… I didnt know where that was.

Kam either teleported or was really quiet, but as I was thinking she had appeared behind me. “You’re sharing a dorm with Lia and Ash. Follow them.”

A huge crowd of somnia gathered in front of the palace, so the moment a spotted Lia and Ash, or rather Lia spotted me and crushed me again, we stuck together. Since I had no idea where I was going, I went where they went.

We walked down the long hallways and up the stairs as the size of the crowd gradually decreased. Finally we reached our dorm. Number 72. As we got our beds ready, Ash spoke.

“They put people in these dorms by gender,” they said. “Don’t get me wrong. I love sharing a dorm with Lia. But I wish they would realize that I’m not a girl.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I just nodded like, Yeah, I know right, and hoped they didn’t want me to say something.

“I hate people assuming my gender,” Ash continued, brushing their blue hair out of their eyes. “Everyone seems to think that either you’re a girl or you’re a boy. There’s no in between. Anyway, we can talk about something else if you’d like.”

I tried to think of a good conversation starter. I wasn’t good with people, especially people I just met. I preferred reading a book in the corner, maybe with my cat purring next to me, and being antisocial. My mind was blank.

“I know!” Lia said. “Since Emma is new, we can all tell each other about ourselves! I’ll start. My name is Lia Tatum Brooks. I greet all people I meet with a great big hug to make them feel welcome. I can’t stand it when anyone hurts my friends. I also don’t like it when anyone is feeling down, so I do my best to cheer them up. I don’t like to hold grudges or judge people. I’m a pretty good painter. I was Ash’s mentor and currently am their best friend. Who wants to go next?”

“I guess I can,” I said. “My name is Emmeline Wilson, but I go by Emma. I’m fourteen. I love reading and telling stories. I’m an introvert. And I’m best friends with Liam Eir.”

“Okay,” Ash said, “I guess it’s my turn. I’m Ash Beaumont. I don’t like to talk about my past a lot…but…well anyway, Kam found me in a dream and brought me here. Even though I had the best mentor I could ask for—“ they smiled at Lia, who smiled back even bigger, “—I wasn’t satisfied with my placement. Sure I’m good at it, but there has to be more to me than painting, right? Once I figure out what I’m made of, the world better watch out. I will live up to my name and rise from the ashes, like a phoenix.”

Lia gave Ash a round of applause for the last quote, then hugged them.

We crawled into our beds—mine was in the middle with Ash on my left and Lia on my right—and talked until we finally got tired. So far I’d had a good first day, but what I didn’t know was that I wouldn’t be here much longer. Without any thought of what kind of dreams I would have, I fell asleep.

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✧ Three / Liam ✧

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The Fate of the World Is Placed on Our Shoulders

I was stuck here, watching this horror, unable to intervene. Everything was dark. People were dying. Screaming. Shadows were destroying everything. Everyone I loved. It seemed to go for what people feared most.

I’m sorry. I can’t describe it anymore. It’s too hard to relive, too terrifying.

I awoke in a cold sweat. The others—Caleb and another healer—still asleep, I tiptoed out of the dorm to find Emma. I needed to talk to her.

I went downstairs to the dining area. It was still dark, so the room was nearly empty. Except for one person. At a table on the far end of the room, Emma sat with a book. It looked like she had wanted to read, but was too stressed to. Her blue and green eyes didn’t have their usual sparkle, and the dark circles underneath them indicated a lack of sleep.

“Liam,” she said before I reached her table. “I need to talk to you.”

“I need to talk to you too,” I said. “But you can go first.”

“Last night,” Emma started, “I had a nightmare worse than any I’ve ever had.” She went on to describe, in perfect detail, the exact nightmare that I had.

“I had that nightmare too,” I said. “That exact one.”

“I think we should tell Kam,” Emma suggested. I nodded in agreement.

“Tell me what?” There she was. Sometime while we were talking, Kam had appeared behind us. She had a habit of sneaking up on people like that.

“Emma and I both had the same nightmare,” I told her.

Her eyes widened. She was trembling. “This is bad…This is really bad…”

“What is?” Emma asked. “What’s going on?”

Kam’s voice was grim as she told us, “The Nightmare. It’s back.”

“What’s going on!” Emma demanded. “What is the Nightmare?”

“The somnia,” Kam explained, still shaking from fear, “create dreams, as you know. But they serve another purpose. Keeping Nightmare at bay. Long ago, long before the somnia moved to Emmelinia, Nightmare was a free spirit. It would run around and wreak havoc on the world. It almost started an apocalypse, but that’s a story for another day. Long story short, there was a war, the somnia won, and Nightmare was locked up, never to return again. Or so we thought. Now Nightmare is starting to break free from its bonds. It must be secured or else it will trap the world in an endless nightmare. The world will be like what you saw in your dreams. And since you two had the dream, you are in charge of securing it.”

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. It was one thing that Nightmare was back. But Emma and I had to defeat it? We were fourteen. We just got here. We could barely handle the stress of school. Now we had the fate of the world placed on our shoulders. Emma looked like she was breaking. I wanted to curl up into a ball and leave. Escape this horrible nightmare. Leave it for someone else to fix. But this wasn’t a dream. It was real. People were dependending on Emma and me. And it wasn’t like me to abandon anyone who needed help.

I took a deep breath. “I’ll do it.”

“You won’t be alone,” Kam assured us. “I’ll be coming with you.”

“Oh, thank you!” Emma sobbed as she hugged Kam.

“You will need my knowledge and my teleportation ability. First, I will teach you to contact Emmelinia if you wish to talk to another somnium while we’re on our quest. You will say, ‘I wish to talk to—‘ and the person’s name. Then you will spread your hands out in front of you, like this.” She demonstrated. “A sort of screen will show up in front of you, and you can talk to them.

“The next thing you need to know is how to get there.” Kam summoned a map out of nowhere and laid it on the floor in front of us. We knelt beside it so we could look at it better. It showed our current position with a line leading to where we needed to go.

Emma smiled through her tears.

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing,” she said. “The map just reminds me of something from a book I read.”

Kam ignored Emma’s comment and continued. “This shows the way we need to go to reach the prison. And there’s one more thing. In order to defeat Nightmare we must find the Dreamcatcher of Tranquility.”

“Okay, let’s do this,” I said, trying to appear more stable than I really was. I had to stay strong, for Emma.

“Oh yeah,” Kam said as if she had just remembered something. “Nightmare is a shapeshifter. It can appear to be anyone, so be careful who you trust.”

Emma and I were stopped in our tracks. We looked at each other and at Kam, both of us thinking the same thing: Was there even anyone in this room we could trust?

“Go back to your dorms,” Kam said. “You need to pack. And say goodbye.”

Back in my dorm, I found a bag on my bed. I figured Kam had left it there. When I started packing spare clothes in it I realized it was magic. I could stuff all off my things in it and it would never get full.

“You’re leaving?”

I spun around. Caleb looked hurt.

“I’m sorry Caleb,” I said. “I don’t have a choice. Emma, Kam, and I have to secure the prison of Nightmare.”

“Emma’s leaving too?” He asked. “And…wait—NIGHTMARE IS FREE??”

Caleb looked terrified that two of his closest friends in Emmelinia had to put their lives at risk in this way. I understood completely. I would be too. But I didn’t want him to be scared. “It’s not exactly free. Just…getting there.” Yeah, in retrospect that probably wasn’t the best thing to say to reassure him.

“Okay, well, stay safe. Don’t die.”

“I’ll try not to.” I turned to leave, but Caleb spoke again.

“One more thing.” He hesitated. “Promise me you’ll protect Emma.”

“I promise,” I assured him. “She’s my best friend, so I would anyway.”

“And tell her goodbye for me, and that I said to stay safe.”

“I will.”

“Okay.” He smiled shyly. “Thanks.”

“No problem.”

I met Emma in the hallway outside of our dorms.

“How’d it go?” I asked.

“They both didn’t want me to go,” she said. “Lia gave me the biggest and longest hug she’s ever given me. And Ash looked like they wanted to say something, but didn’t. I also taught both of them how to contact me while we’re gone. What about you?”

“Caleb wanted me to tell you that he said goodbye and to stay safe,” I said.

“So…are you ready?” she asked.

“I don’t think I’ll ever really be ready,” I answered, “but we might as well go.”

We met Kam downstairs in the dining area where we were. The sun had risen and the room was now full.

“We should go outside to teleport away,” she advised, “so we don’t attract too much unwanted attention.”

Once we were out of the palace, Kam instructed us to all hold hands and leave the magic part up to her. We did, and just like it was when we arrived here, Emmelinia disappeared in a flash of golden light.

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✧ Four / Liam ✧

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We Adopt a Pet That Almost Killed Us, but Then Turned Good

When we could see again, we found ourselves in a small countryside town. There were a couple of houses here and there, but mostly we were in the middle of nowhere.

“Now that we’re out of Emmelinia,” Kam said. “My father can’t tell me what to do.” She kicked off her shoes and tore the sleeves off her dress. “I hate these shoes…I hate this dress…There. Much better. Some room to breathe.”

The way she accented that last sentence showed some obvious distaste for her father.

“So what do we do now?” I asked.

“Well if we’re attacked,” Kam answered, “we fight back. But this is as far as I can teleport us at the moment.”

“How much further do we have to go?” Emma asked. “To get to the prison?”

“Before we can go to the prison, we need to get the Dreamcatcher of Tranquility,” Kam informed us.

“And where is that?”

“At the prison.”

“Okay then.”

“Well if we can’t do anything at the moment,” I suggested, “why don’t we set up camp?”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Emma agreed. “There are some trees back there. They can provide shelter.”

We were going to set up camp in the woods and not have to worry about anything until morning. Or so we thought. Once we got to the edge of the woods, we sensed something…eerie… about it.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Kam must have sensed it too.

AROOOOOOOO

What was that?

AROOOOOOOOOOOOO

“I…think we should get out of here,” Emma advised. Kam and I nodded in agreement, but it was too late. While we weren’t paying attention, the creatures who had made the noise surrounded us. They looked like wolves, but they were made of shadows. Their eyes glowed an evil shade of red.

Kam whispered beside us, “Don’t. Move. Any sudden movements or noises will make them attack.”

Uh oh. “ACHOO!”

There couldn’t possibly be a worse time to sneeze. The wolves snarled and pounced. I’d never felt more helpless. I wasn’t a fighter. Period. But my friends were in danger, and I can’t just stand by the side watching. Right? Wrong. I seemed to be paralyzed.

The wolves tore and scratched at Emma, Kam, and me. My arms and legs were working just enough to keep them from killing me. But there were too many of them.

That’s when Kam punched one of the wolves in the maw. It whimpered and started to back away. Kam looked at the wolf as if to say, If you want more I can give you some, and it ran away. The other wolves turned their attention from Emma and me to Kam. One brave wolf growled at Kam while the others cowered behind it. All it took, however, was one good kick and the wolves were gone.

I stared at her, in awe of what I had just seen. She was covered and scratches and cuts, but she looked stronger than ever.

When I finally came to my senses, I remembered that my friends were hurt and needed me. Emma was on the verge of tears again. Even though Kam looked strong, I could tell she was hurt and exhausted. I was as well, but I had enough energy left to heal them.

I waked over to Emma on my knees and reached out to heal her. “Hold still. I can heal you.”

She pushed me away. “No, Liam. You need rest.”

“I don’t care,” I insisted, “you’re in worse shape than me. But, if you really don’t want me to heal you, I won’t.”

She considered that. “Go ahead,” she said finally.

I held out my hand over Emma and it glowed faintly. Her injuries began to heal. Soon she was almost good as new.

“Kam?” I offered.

“It’s just a few scratches,” Kam said, even though it was more than that. “Nothing too serious. Besides, it’s my scars that make me who I am. If it was serious, however, I would let you heal me.”

“Alright,” I said, even though it looked pretty serious to me. “But at least get some rest.”

“I don’t think there are any more wolves—or any of Nightmare’s creatures for that matter,” Kam informed us. “At least not here. We should be safe for tonight.”

“So,” Emma said, “what should we do for tonight?”

“We can start a fire,” I suggested. “And then…talk?”

“About what?” Emma asked.

“I dunno.”

“I could use this opportunity to teach you more about Emmelinia and the somnia,” Kam suggested. “If you want.”

“Good idea,” Emma said.

By the time we got a fire going, it was almost night. We had asked Kam questions about Emmelinia and she had answered them. Soon it was dark, so we began to get ready to go to sleep.

We were only asleep a few hours when I felt something breathing close to my face. I opened my eyes, and found myself staring into two canine eyes of pure darkness. There was a shadow wolf on top of me.

“Uhh…Kam?” She should be able to help.

Both girls sat up. The wolf looked at Kam, who glared at the wolf. It whimpered in fear. Emma clicked her mouth to the wolf. It panted and ran over to her.

“What are you doing?!” Kam and I exclaimed.

“This one seems different from the rest,” she replied. “It seems friendly.”

It actually did seem friendly. Emma pet the wolf, and it rolled over so she could rub its belly. Then the wolf began to change color. Its fur was like the night sky, its face was light, and there was a symbol similar to a dream catcher on its forehead. Its lavender eyes now contained lightness and peace, instead of the darkness and evil of the rest of its pack.

“It’s a dream wolf…” Kam remarked in awe.

“What’s a dream wolf?” Emma inquired.

“They’re the opposite of shadow wolves,” Kam responded. “They bring goodness instead of evil. I thought they were extinct!”

“Can we keep it?” Emma begged like a child asking for a puppy, though I guess it was a puppy. “Pleeeease?”

Kam smiled. “I believe it will help us on this quest. It will protect us and guide us. So the answer is yes.”

Emma went back to petting the wolf. We could now see that it was male.

“He needs a name,” I said.

“What about Morpheus?” Emma suggested. “After the Greek god of dreams.”

“I like that name,” Kam said. I nodded in agreement.

Since the moon was still high in the night sky, we lay back down on the grass, and with our new friend next to us, fell asleep.