forum Come and critique my story to help make it better (part 2 :D)
Started by @Jazzywriter
tune

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@Jazzywriter

Ok. . . life decided that I’m not allowed to live like a normal person, yay. So, it happened about 3 weeks after the battle between Vex and Alec. I had finally turned 19 and I moved out of Nana’s home into a small apartment. Hudson had some connections and helped me get the apartment for a really great price. There was no real reason for me to move out, other than that I felt I was too old to still be living with my mom and be cared for by her.

I finished packing a few days than I had anticipated, so there still were a few days before I return back to work from my “vacation.” For the most part, I spent most of my time lazing about; watched a bit of tv, messed around on my computer, and barely did anything productive. I looked over at the clock and realized that it was around dinner time. I didn’t have anything in the cupboards or fridge, so I went to eat out somewhere. I wanted to get myself acquainted with the area, but the main reason was I didn’t want to go shopping. I changed from PJs to a plain yellow and blue shirt with jeans.

The closest diner to my place was “The Grace Cookery”, which was a few blocks away. The reviews said that the food was decent, and the other patrons were mostly pleasant. As I got there, the place was fairly empty; there was an elderly couple and a small family sitting at the counter. The waitress came around and helped me get situated. I looked at the menu and decided on some chicken wings.

It took awhile for the waitress to come around to me, and she was really apologetic about the wait. I had finished giving my order, when there was a low rumble and the diner shook. I would have brushed it off as an earthquake, but I didn’t considered this city’s history. The lights flickered and a louder rumble caused everyone in the diner to flinch. The building continued to shake and the rumbles grew louder. I rushed over to the rumble and some of the other patrons joined me. The rumbling grew louder and louder then a giant, metal foot stepped in front of the diner. We all screamed and jumped back. Whatever that foot belonged to, was now walking away. A crowd was forming out with their phones taking pictures of it.

I rushed outside to see what it was, looked up to see a robot. A giant robot was walking through the city. It wasn’t the weirdest I’ve seen, but I still stood there stunned, confused, and scared. I turned the sound of vehicles driving down the road, and saw military type vehicles rushing after the robot. The robot also took notice to their presence. It’s red eyes narrowed at the military vehicles. That’s when I saw it. On the side of its head was a symbol; A blue, bold ‘E’ with angel wings. ‘Where have I seen it before?’

Then I heard a motorcycle pull up. Looking over, I saw the hero of the city; Mr. Miraculous. He parked his motorcycle near where I was standing. He smoothly hopped off and took off his helmet. He smiled at me and winked.

“Don’t worry about a thing! Your hero’s got this!” he exclaimed before tossing his helmet.

“Hold onto that for me, will ya, babe?” he charmed before running towards the robot. ‘Did he just call be babe?!’ As I continued to question what just happened, there was a large crash. I jerked my head over and saw that the Robot had destroyed a military truck. I did realize it but I was unconsciously hugging the helmet closer as I watched Alec run right towards the robot and punched its hand. The hand was knocked back and the robot recoiled. It’s eyes narrowed further towards Alec as it threw its hand at him.

“I hope he doesn’t get hurt.” I looked over and saw the waitress from earlier. I looked back to the fight right in time to notice metal flying towards us. Without hesitation, I pushed the waitress aside and fell on top of her. She started thanking me, but I just nodded in a bit of a daze. Large pieces of debris continued to fly through the air.

“It’s too dangerous to be here! Get to the other end of the town, I’ll clear out the dinner. Run in zig zag formations!” I noted as I handed her the helmet. She didn’t need be told twice and took off. I saw the other patrons near the back, who were probably the staff.

“You guys need to get out now! Head out the back and try to get to the other side of the city!” I shouted as I walked towards them when suddenly, the front of the building was crashed into. The fight had moved back our way and a truck was sent flying into the diner. A large piece of metal few and hit the back of my head.

I hit the ground and blacked out. As I knocked out, images flashed through my mind; a man with a surgical mask holding needles, the logo, and a little boy, smiling with hope in his eyes.

I slowly began to wake up, I felt someone trying to drag me. I weakly looked up to see one of the staff members from before. My head was throbbing and my first though as my senses came back to me was ‘That’s going to leave a mark.’

Shakily, I stood up, “You need to get out of here, don’t worry about me!” Despite my attempts, he insisted on helping me, saying that I was too young die. I found myself chuckling despite the pain. Then there was a scream coming from a alleyway, I stopped to scan the area but the man continued to drag me.

“Someone was screaming. . . keep going, I’m going to help them out!” I ripped myself from his grip and running off before he could stop me. I followed the scream to see the mother from the diner desperately trying to lift a large piece of plywood and sobbing. There were muffled crying coming from underneath, and I put two together and realized that her child was underneath. I grabbed the edge and help lift the wood. When there was enough space, a little boy scrambled out and clung to woman. She dropped to her knees and sobbed as she hugged her child.

“You guys need to leave, keep heading to the left til you reach the edge of the city! You’ll find help over there.” She looked up, nodded, and ran out of the alley with her child away from the danger. As they ran there was a large crash. I ran the opposite way to see Alec getting slammed into the ground. He shakily pushed himself up and dodged another attack. I could tell by his movements that he was slowing down and growing tired. He couldn’t keep up the fight.

I was about to turn around and run away, but I froze. I had two options right there. I could either run away, keep my powers a secret, and hope that Alec doesn’t die or risk everything that I’ve been hiding and save him. ‘He needs help, he can’t do this by himself. . . Damn it.’ Turned my heel, ran back down the alley and to the next street over. Everyone had evacuated, leaving the streets empty. I ran to a thrift store and began running through the aisles, trying to find something to hide who I was.

I ended up choosing a black trench coat and a black lower face mask. Although the mask was simple, I was enough to hide my face. To finish off the look, I tied up my hair into a short ponytail. I ran back down the alley and back to the fight just in time to see Alec getting slammed into the ground again. This time, not getting up and staying on his forearms. I instantly ran over to him and faced the robot. The robot didn’t seem to care about my presence and continued its approach.

“H-Hey! It’s not safe, you need to get out!” I knew that Alec was talking about me, but I paid no attention. I couldn’t back out now, I needed to do this. I can’t just keep running away from who I was. I made sure that the mask was tight before running towards the robot. I heard screams behind me but I didn’t listen. With every step I took, fear settled in my guy. ‘Oh god, what if I can’t do this? What if I got killed? What if Nana finds out?’ I did my best to shake those thoughts out of my head. If I don’t do something, then who will? I needed to try.
The robot finally decided to take notice of me and started to reach for me. I couldn’t find any visible sources of water; no fountains, I was too far from the coast, and there wasn’t any open sewers in sight. So I had to rely on my electrokinesis. The robot’s hand reached closer to me, I reeled my fist and let myself unleash my powers. Sparks and bolts of electricity shot as a my fists charged. The robot didn’t have time to process what was happening until my fish made contact his his. An explosion rang knocking me back and sent the robot stumbling back. It scanned its destroyed hand and flickered a deeper shade of red at me. I was on the ground from the explosion, I had no idea I was capable of that. I stared at my hand in awe. I didn’t know I had that much strength.

I snapped out of my daze, just in time to see a car hurdling for me. As I quickly scrambled out of the way, the car crashed a few feet away from me. Another car was hurled at me, and something inside of me reacted faster than I could and my body zapped to the side. Despite the shock of my new found ability, I continued towards the robot. As the robot threw cars and debris, I kept zapping out of the way in a blur of blue lightning. At one point I was able to scale a building a bit. That’s when I got an idea. I zapped at the robot’s feet and scaled the body, it did its best to swat me off but I was too fast. The robot threw me into the air, I reeled my fist, and shot myself towards the robot’s face.

I used my powers to electrocute the robot and the voltage caused the robot’s head to explode. The explosion threw me toward a building and I easily scaled down. I ran towards the middle of street to make sure the robot was fully destroyed, which it was. The robot fell to its knees and crashed to the ground. Adrenaline flowed through my body as I realized that I did that. I was able to take down a 5 story robot by myself. But fear quickly took over pride as I heard something stop behind me. I turned around to see a second wave of military vehicles stopping 30 feet away from me. The first person to step out of a vehicle was none other than Alec himself. He was bandaged but you could tell it was done a bit hasty.

He looked past me to see the robot that you took down. A smile of awe and joy grew on his face he screamed something.

“Dude!!!! That was awesome holy crap!” He began running towards me, but as he did, I looked past him and took a defensive stance with my fists at the ready. He must have noticed my fear because he stopped and looked back to see his men, guns at the ready. He motioned them to put their guns down and they hesitantly did. I slowly began to step out of my defensive state.

“Hey, sorry about that. They are still a bit nervous.” I said nothing and started to take steps back. “Hey, it’s ok! We just want to ask you a few questions and- Hey wait!” I didn’t let him finish his sentence. I couldn’t let them know who I was, so I began to run. I heard a vehicle behind him and assumed it was Alec following me. I turned into an alley and quickly jumped into a dumpster. I heard footsteps up towards the dumpster then they stopped. ‘Please go right, please go right.’ The footsteps continued and started to fade out. I peaked out to see that he decided to go right. I sighed in relief and began walking left towards my apartment.

I took off the coat and mask, and wrapped them underneath my arm. I was exhausted and hungry but I knew I couldn’t rest until I got home. ‘Damn, I didn’t get to eat dinner. Good thing I have protein bars at home.’ I might have saved the day, but I knew that I didn’t save myself from unwanted attention. More and more problems are going to arise from this, oh well, at least Alec is alive.

@Tiani

Wow, I really love this reluctant super hero you've got yourself and I can't wait to see what happens between the protaganist and Alec. One thing I will say is there was a sentence that said "until my fish made contact his his". A simple error 😂 That was quite entertaining for me, just thought I'd notify you. Feel free to can't act me when you are ready with the next chapter :) xx