forum Chapter Critiques
Started by @CurtisFamWriters
tune

people_alt 2 followers

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Everything was black all around him. He had been feeling nothing but pain for many years now. He wanted to die, but that was never going to happen. The sounds of people screaming out was all that he could hear; the sound of it was deafening. Blistering, raging heat was on his skin. He and everyone else in this place would never grow used to this pain, and would continue to scream out, begging for the end of it. Hell is his home. He had neither died nor been born. The demon himself was screaming out in pain. He suddenly felt a tugging all over his body. He started to hear a whooshing sound slowly building in his ears. Things that the demon has never seen before came to him.
Were these colors? He wondered. Something that he has never felt went across his skin. As his eyes struggled to adjust to this new thing called light, he saw someone standing in front of him. Is this the one that had created me? He had heard that he had been in Hell, but nobody has ever seen him. Nobody has even heard him. He used to be an angel named Lucifer, but then he fell when he desired to be as God. He was then cast out of Heaven, and then Hell was created as his place of punishment. Now he goes by many names, and is no longer an angel.
“Welcome to Earth. I am the man that has summoned you.”
That was what happened. I had been summoned out of the depths of Hell. He looked at the man. His hair was short, and he was wearing the things known as clothes. They were black. His bright blue eyes shined out at him.
“What be your name, oh great summoner?” He asked the man.
“You may call me father. From this point on you are to be known as William. You are to act as my adoptive son.”
He looked at this man. He liked the name that he had for him. Standing up, and looking around, William noticed that he was standing inside a shape of some kind. Five lines were arranged in a circle, and some strange symbols were inside the circle. He tried to move toward the man that had wanted William to call him father, but a barrier halted his advancement.
“You want me to call you father, yet you hold me captive in a devil’s trap. Release me and I shall allow you to live. Better yet, I’ll give you a deal that goes past the limit.” What am I saying? Deals? Devil’s traps? How do I know about these?
“How many years are you talking?” He asked William.
“Twelve years; your deal will last twelve years if you set me free.”
“Alright, twelve years until our deal comes to a close will do.” He said.
“What do you want then? Youth? Fame? Fortune…? A bigger dick?”
“No. I want a son, and I wish for my son to be you.”
“No.” William said. “Surely there must be something else that you want.” The man shook his head, turned, and started to walk away.
“Then stand here for a long time. I’ll summon someone else to make my deal with.”
“Wait!” William said. The man turned back around. This would be the first deal that William would ever make, so he decided to grant him what he wished. “You’ve got a deal.”
“So, what do I do now? Sign a contract in blood?” The man asked.
“No, we seal the deal with a kiss.” William responded. Wait, a kiss? Really? How do I even know this?
The man was at first hesitant, but then he moved his foot to break the trap. William stepped out, and kissed him; their deal was sealed.

It was two days later. The man that William made a deal with is named George. He had agreed to educate William on this world. They were sitting in George’s sitting room. The floors were made of a wood called mahogany. The walls were a light shade of a color known as red. Beautifully crafted oak chairs and couches sat arranged on the floor. William caught his reflection in a mirror to see that he happens to have black hair with red tips, bright green eyes, a muscular physique, stands at a height of 6’5”, and has a very attractive squared off face. Despite being muscular he actually had a slender build, so as a result William didn’t look as strong as he really was. He sat down in a chair across from George.
“So why did you want a demon for a son George?”
“I didn’t; not at first. While in prison I had found out that demons can do certain things, such as kill people without actually using their hands.”
“Yes we can.” The only thing stopping me from killing you right now is our deal. William thought. “What’s prison, and how did you even find out about demons to begin with?”
“Prison is a place where people that break laws, which are rules, are sent by the police, who are people that make sure that those rules are being carried out. I found out about demon kind from one of my old cell mates.”
“Then what were you sent to prison for George?”
“A long time ago I had a wife named Beth. I had wanted children, and she didn’t. Overcome with rage at hearing that she didn’t wish to have children I decided to kill her by stabbing her to death.”
“Ah, I see.” William says, looking at George with a mixture of both amusement and admirement. George then has a cat brought out.
“What’s the cat for George?” William asked.
“I want to see if your kind really can kill without the use of your hands.” At this William smirks.
“As you wish, I guess.” It’ll show him that I’m not one to mess with. William raised one of his hands, and without actually touching the feline, had disemboweled the poor creature.
“Good, because there’s some people that I want you to kill for me.” George said after recovering from the sight of the animal’s death. He reached into his pocket, and handed William a list. He grabbed it from him and unfolded it. He looked up at George.
“Why do you want them dead?”
“They have all wronged me in one way or another, and I am a very vengeful man.” William smirked at this.
“Then you lied to me. You didn’t want me as your son, you wanted me to be your hired gun. The deal is null and void now, George.” William stood up and went to kill him.
“Actually, I wasn’t lying. I did want you as my son, but yes, I also wanted you to kill for me. Whether or not you decide to kill these people for me is up to you.”
“Oh, so that wasn’t part of the deal, because you wanted it to be my choice.”
“Yes William, I did.” He sat there, smiling.
“Very well. I shall kill these people for you.” His smile broadened.
“There is a slight catch though.”
“And what would that be?” William asked.
“Some of them are hunters, and some of them have powers. I found this out by hiring someone to watch them.”
“So where do I begin?” William asked him.
“Go in order if you want to. I guess.”
“Very well.” George reached for a bell, and rang it. Someone walked into the room. She has almost white hair, yet a vanilla colored streak was in it. Her eyes were a brownish red, and her skin was tan. She stood at a lower stature than William did.
“This person will be assisting you.”
“No go George. I prefer to work alone.”
“Too damn bad, William! George hired me to look out for you.” He turned to her.
“I don’t remember asking you to open your mouth, bitch.”
“William Wintergrean, she is a lady, so treat her like one!” George snapped. He was lucky that William couldn’t break the deal that they had made, or he would’ve killed him on the spot.
“Well how nice of you to call me a lady, but George, we all know I am far beyond being a lady.” William laughed at this.
“So I was right. You are a bitch!”
“Do I look like a female dog to you!”
“Well, I think that I could arrange that.” He held up his hand, and went to snap his fingers, but George, the old bastard, stopped him.
“None of that, or I send you back to Hell, William.” He glared at him.
“You wouldn’t dare! It would violate the deal, and then I’d find a way to get out of Hell to come kill you, old man!”
“Why send him to Hell George, when I have my own little devil’s trap?”
“That would work too.” George said.
“Tsk tsk. That would also violate the deal.” A low, yet very loud growl was heard. “I don’t think that you’d want my pets to attack you, now would you?”
“No I don’t.” George admitted.
“You’re such a scaredy cat George.”
“So how the fuck are you to watch my back?”
“How do you think?” She says with a smile.
“That’s not what I meant, dipshit. I meant how are you going to help me in a fight of some kind. I don’t think that you have any powers that would be useful.”
“Ahh, that is where you’re wrong. George has seen what I am able to do.”
“Alright then, let’s see what you can fucking do.” William stood up and walked into a large room that was supposed to be a dining room. George happened to be rich, so they lived in a mansion. William had turned the dining room into a gym and sparring area. George had a boxing ring in there, and William stepped into it. The girl was stepping into the ring, removing a jacket, and on her shoulder was a demon ward.
“George, could you turn on some music?” She asked.
“Sure thing. What do you want?”
“Choose yourself.”
“FALL OUT BOY!” William yelled. “With some Kansas, AC/DC, and Soundgarden’s ‘Fell On Black Days’, George.” Due to being a demon, and not actually needing sleep, William had had more than enough time to listen to all kinds of different music genres.
“Sure thing.” He popped in William’s cd that had these things on it, and the first song that came on was ‘Thunderstruck’. William cracked his neck, back, knuckles, knees, and elbows. He struck this ‘lady’ with a 50 lbs weight from the bench press. It smacked into her with a thud. She was getting up with a smile, grabbed a small two pound weight and tossed it, smacking William right between the eyes. He smiled. She had come closer to him. He landed several blows on her with his fists before telekinetically throwing her back. She turns to face George with a smile. In a swift motion she stands up, moving behind William. Her hands appear around his neck, locked together and not letting go. He smirked and laughed at this.
“What’s so funny?” She asked him.
“Bad move right there, hun.” He gave her an electrical shock that came down from the light above. “That was what was funny.” He responded to her question. She let go and was taking a deep breath.
“It may be funny, but you do know your going pretty easy on me.”
“If it’s harder you want, then harder you’ll get!” William said as he had multiple very heavy weights lift off the ground. He at first flung them one by one at her, but she dodged them. Then he raised the ante to four at a time after that. He had also electrified them. Dodging the weights brought adrenaline racing through her body, and she looked to be having fun. The weights slammed into the walls of the room at high speeds; William smirked.
“Having fun now?”
“Of course I am. You sure know how to give a girl a good time.” William made the sprinklers go off when he launched a torrent of flame in her direction from his hand. Moving out of the way of the flames, she suddenly falls, smashing her knee into the floor.
“Nadia, are you alright?” George asked.
“She’s fine George, so shut your trap and watch!” A puddle of water was forming on the mat of the ring, but it wasn’t quite ready for what William had in mind. Pushing herself up from the floor and then pushing her knee back into place, she glared daggers at him.
“Oh, poor thing, got a booboo.” William mocked. He had a weight hit her in the back. He was no longer going easy on her. “Had enough yet, Nadi?” Falling to her knees from the weight, she gets back up, taking steps toward him carefully.
Now the water was ready. William raised a serpent of water, and had it slam into her, soaking her clothing. ‘Carry On Wayward Son’ by Kansas was playing. What a great time for this song to be on. William thought. Suddenly launching herself, Nadia tackled him to the ground. She sat on his chest and had her elbow on his neck.
“Heh, a girl that likes being a top instead of a bottom.” William said, smirking, and had a 100 lbs weight hit her in the side of the stomach, knocking her off of him. “Alright, you can come with me I guess, but I’m in charge and get to choose the target.”
“Whatever you say.” She says getting up. She walks out of the ring holding her side. A rib had popped out of place. ”Think one of you can put it back in?”
“Sure.” William said, and telekinetically popped it back to where it belonged. “What kind of partners would we be if we let each other walk around wounded?” He asked mockingly. She looks surprised for a minute. Clearly George had not told him of her previous partners. She picks up a backpack.
“I've got everything on everyone in here.”
“I was saving that for you to do yourself, Nadia.” George said as answer to her look of surprise as he reached to turn the music off.
“Leave it on.” William told him.
“Why?”
“I’m going to continue my little workout.”
“Oh, alright son. I’m gonna go get something to eat. Make sure that you clean this mess up.” He said whilst walking out.
“Stupid old man.” William mumbled. “He could of had anything that he wanted, but instead he makes a deal to have a demon for a son for a total of twelve years.” I’m looking forward to when the deal is up. Then I’ll kill the bastard. He thought to himself.
“George may be stupid.” Nadia says. “But he’s not all bad either.” She said while opening a book. William eyed what she was looking at as he was lifting the weights out of the walls using his hands.
“What ya got there, Nadi?”
“It’s a journal.” She states sarcastically.
A journal. George had taught me about those. One could use it to write down his or her thoughts, or to gather information in. The idea of having one sounded ridiculous to me. I’m a demon. I can easily store any information inside my head whenever I learn something new.
He was now mopping up the water using the power of his mind. Nadia just sat there reading her silly journal.
“Damn bastard.” She mumbles out of nowhere, tossing the journal to the floor in anger. William smirked at this. It was amusing to him to watch a human reacting to their emotions.
“Who? Me? Why thank you. I know I am!” He said smugly.
“No, not you. My ex partner….” She says.
“Well come out with it. What happened with your old partner?” He asked. If he had to work with the dumb bimbo, he’d might as well get to know her.
“Well the first partner is on the list, and that’s his journal of every case I worked with him. He left me for dead. That’s when I met George. I grew up with hunters, George became my friend, and here I am now working for him.” She says. There was more to it than the man just being her first partner; you could see that in her eyes.
“Well then it’s a good thing that we’ll be paying him a visit. I’ll even be nice and let you have that kill. Where’s his name on the list?”
“It’s the 6th name on the list; Bogan Stone. Last I knew he was in the south somewhere.”
“Oh? What happened when he left you to die?” William asked. He was actually curious to know this.
“We were working a case; demons. He sent me in as bait, and I ended up being the bait…. Literally. He took off as soon as he saw that he couldn't overcome them. I was left alone to die. I don't know for how long I was there. I only remember darkness and then George showing up.”
All she saw was darkness. I wonder if she heard screaming and felt heat that she could never get used to? William thought to himself. “George must be really close to you then; almost a father figure. A mentor of sorts. He taught you things about hunting that you didn’t know about, just like he’s teaching me about things in this world.” What the fuck am I saying? No, William, you’re a demon, you’re not supposed to care about these mud monkeys! As for George teaching me, the old bastard doesn’t even suspect that I actually know more than I’m letting on! He thought.
“I wouldn't say a father figure, he's more like an uncle.” She mutters.
“Well, we might as well go hunt down the first person on the list.” William said. He grabbed the list, and looked at the very first name. “Twanda Rodes; George talked to me about her briefly. He said that she’s hiding out somewhere in someplace called Italy.” Nadia opens a purse and pulls out a card.