forum Can you critique some of my scene

Started April 24, 2020 by @NotSoBeautifulDiseaster group

tune

So basically I need some motivation and I think some of my writing is clunky, so here's some snippets I have

Chapter 1:
(Context, The MC Sophie and her family moves into their new home during Christmas)

We're here." My mom said driving into the garage of a generously size beige Cape Cod-style house, with a black roof, white trim, and a well-trimmed yard

I walked out of the motorized rollingham with a bag full of clothes, I took a good look at our new home as the sky frosting falls on my olive skin and the wind throttles me, Thank god, I wore a coat and pants under my skirt
After I got out Michael's messy brown hair brushed against my shoulder as he slipped between me and the motorized rollingham fast enough to trip me and trudged to the porch with his peepers glued to his tablet

Mom unlocked the black wobbly flip-shutter and led us into the living human containment unit, I put the box I was holding the small greyish couch in front of the fireplace while Mom opens a long cardboard box pulling out Christmas leafy tower, She perked up and looked at us

Chapter 7:
(Context: Charlie and his dad who was turned into a rabbit discuss ho else they have to make up with to get rid of Charlie's Hanahaki and turns Colton human then they bump into Aaron, a boy Charlie use to bully and his current bully)

So how many more people we have to help." Dad said gazing at the ground in my backpack as I rushed to work

I slow my pace becoming lost in thought. "All the people I helped were former childhood friends, usually betrayed and abandoned by me, Let's see first Kelly, a classmate I teased a lot, Terry and Tori, Two former friends I left due to their reputation of being SJWs, I also helped with the bullying with a lot of people, so It could be anyone."

"Hey, watch where you're going!" A young man's voice boomed, while I pushed to my leghinges

I open my peepers to see the source of the voice, Elijah's right-hand man, Aaron Phillet, He stared me down like a bug he was going to stomp on, Dad popped out of the bag, Gazing the makeshift bandage covering his left peeper, that caught my attention as well

"Well, are you going to move out the way or you just going to sit there like a dumbass." Aaron growled

I sprung up, "Sorry, I was just lost in thought." I apologized

Aaron narrowed his peepers "Right…" He said sarcastically as he pushed me aside "Look just stay out my way."

Alright, so this is a common issue, but try to work on showing instead of telling. The most prominent example I can see of this is when here: “[…] Terry and Tori, Two former friends I left due to their reputation of being SJWs […]”. This is good information to include throughout the story by anecdotes and interactions, not all at once in such a blatant manner. Just say Terry and Tori at first, then when you describe interactions with them later make them seem overbearing and make sure your audience can tell that they used to be friends instead of just saying it. You can mention their reputation as well, but don’t do it in the backstory breadcrumbs dump section. This is the only stand out issue you have right now, but if you don’t watch out for it it’ll never go away, so just be cognizant. There are tons of videos and resources better than me that can help you with this as well. Just search “show don’t tell” or something along those lines to get more info.
I hope this helped, and your story has a noice flow to it already! Keep it up! :)

Thank you