forum Can someone read three scenes of my story for me and critique me

Started March 08, 2019 by @EmptyNebula group

tune

I'll post a snippet if someone responds

I can try it depends on what genre and age range stuff

I'll critique too!

Okay, here it is:
The light was blinding when the trees decided to sway in another direction which exposed the soft terrain underneath it. The wind blew through the air as if it were trying to get something to move out from it's way. The usual chirping of the birds or footsteps of the squirrels were no longer heard in the area. The smell of cut grass and recent rain were also gone, never to be heard again. Faint noises of gunshots and bombs were heard in the distance but not close enough to startle anything. The sound of rushed steps and crushed twigs were gradually increasing though, destroying the calmness and serenity of the area.

Xander rolled over onto his back and brushed the soot from his eyes, groaning when the sun reached them. He looked to his right, not noticing where he was at all or even comprehending what was going on. A few seconds later, two people emerged from behind the trees and heading towards him, shouting commands and directions left and right. Soon enough, he came to his consciousness and decided to fully wake up and understand what was going on. Clouds of smoke were billowing in the distance going off each few seconds. Xander attempted to get up but found it impossible. He looked down to his legs to see it stuck in some sort of combination of zip-ties and vines.

Soon enough, the people in the distance came close enough to see him struggle. They rushed towards him and Xander stuttered in his actions. His arms and hands weren't moving to his own accord and taking forever to remove himself from the confinement. He gave up and hopped up on his two feet towards the opposite direction. He wasn't fast enough though and ended up falling. He looked back to see the two slowly approach him with a look of pity and mirth.

"Let's help you out of those binds." The blond insisted, clearly indicating that he wasn't going to beg.

Xander moved back on his hands in a crab walk motion, not yet trusting the people. "Who are you?" Xander blurted to the two men standing before him. They looked at him and chuckled at his behavior as if he were some petulant child.

"Just trust us. We're gonna try and get you help." The other said, taking out his jackknife and cutting the bindings from his legs. He examined the leg and saw some deep cuts due to the tightness of the binds. "Okay, let's help you up." He offered, extending his arm so Xander would be able to lean on it.

Xander took his hand while struggling to get up this time freely. He groaned when he was finally in a stable position to move from the place and hissed with every step.

Eventually, they got out of the forest and into some type of camp where there were many others around his age. There were three clear sections, one was the food area, one showed the sleeping quarters, and the last were supplies. Teens, adolescents, and young adults were scattered about, all with the same gloomy faces. Xander's face were going through a multitude of expressions, each vast from one another depicting how he felt about the place.

"What am I doing here?" He asked, confused as to why he wasn't going back home and why he couldn't remember anything prior to waking up in those woods.

The two men left without answering his questions, only muttering something about finding others before leaving him to his own devices. He saw a nurse like figure enter the room without a word to apply some disinfectant on his wound before applying a bandage. He whimpered in pain occasionally, not noticing that it had hurt so much. When he left, he got up and started limping around the base to go interact with the others.

When he went outside, he started actually focusing on what the place was and how it looked. There were guards bordering the base only about ten feet apart each and he wasn't sure whether they were keeping people out or stopping people from leaving. He limped over to one guy that looked like he'd been there for a while to see what the deal was about the place. When he approached him, the other guy had a closed stance as if he were attempting to hide something but was having no luck. The stranger looked up to see him only once before diverting his gaze elsewhere.

"You're a new one, right?" He inquired rhetorically, giving Xander a once-over.

Xander felt scrutinized under his gaze but didn't mention anything about it, waiting for him to finish.

"They've been pulling us in for the past few weeks dues to what's been happening around. They pull our memories from just hours before it. They pull everything and the only thing you can remember of yourself is your name." He continued, finally looking to Xander. "They make you forget everything about your personality and personal life, and then they wipe away all your flaws and try to create a new you, which is the point of these camps." The stranger revealed.

Xander thought about what he said an then noticed that he was right. He thought about his parent and just couldn't see anything. No face, image, or memories of anything that has ever happened. He didn't even know if he had parents. He opened his eyes, not realizing that he closed them and slowly looked over to the stranger. "What do you mean 'create a new you'?" Xander wasn't sure if he even heard right but he definitely was not going to be a guinea pig in whatever government experiment this was.

"So far, all I understand is that. I haven't heard any of the authorities say anything more of it, especially around any of us. I don't know whether they're trying to use us as some military pawns or servants programmed to their wills and desires but I do know is that I don't want to be a part of it."

Xander nodded, agreeing with what he said. "Same…" He trailed off not knowing what to call the other guy.

"Echo," The stranger responded, sticking his hand out to Xander.

"Xander." He replied, taking the hand before mumbling, "That's all I remember anyways."

Xander noted his features then, seeing his hair up in cornrows. He was wearing a black t-shirt under a white and grey jacket, similar to everyone else. They all wore the same black work shoes that could be boots depending on how you looked at them and everyone had a number written on the left side of their jacket, hovering above their chest.

Xander felt out of place with his denim pants and white t-shirt that had some words on the front and back with a logo on it. He didn't even remember what he had in his closet back at home, realizing the complete removal of his memories.

Echo noticed his facial expression change and decided to change the topic. "Anyways, I can't ask you about any of your hobbies or anything since you'll most likely not remember so I'll tell you about some of the people that are here that I know." He pointed out to a girl with curly black hair and a white shirt and black jacket. "That's Jayde, one of the ones that came in around the same time as me. Since she was one of the first to get her memory retained, the implant wasn't as strong so she still remembers things from before but the memories are hard to recall."

Xander nodded in understanding at Jayde before asking Echo something else. "What about that one over there." He turned his head over to a boy wearing a similar outfit to Jayde's. "And what's the deal with their clothes."

"Oh, he's Jayde's brother but they don't know that. They were both probably near each other during the kidnapping, I guess. Their clothes isn't anything special, it's just to let the authorities know that they still have some memories." Echo answered, leaning back onto the railing.

"Huh."

I can try it depends on what genre and age range stuff

Thriller, adventure, dystopian

Hi there! I read your snippet :) what kind of feedback would you like? (e.g. specific edits, general what's good/what could be improved/what's confusing, a combination).

Grammar, whats confusing, what could be improved, what just doesn't make sense

Alrighty :) before I get started, you're writing this in past tense, correct? (He said, he ran, he felt, he saw, etc.)

Yup

So! Can I just say: your imagery is really great! I can really get a good view of everything and what's going on. The concept of your story is super interesting, too, I love it!

1. "Faint noises of gunshots and bombs were heard" here you say were heard, but it's unclear who they were heard by, as your MC hasn't been introduced yet, and neither have any other characters.
2. "He looked to his right, not noticing where he was at all…" how could he not notice? If he's awake and looking around, it should be a pretty obvious thing. Maybe not comprehending? Not fully registering?
3. "Soon enough, he came to his consciousness and decided to fully wake up and understand what was going on." I might take out the "decided" part, as in my experience waking up isn't really something you decide, it just happens.
4. "He looked down to his legs to see it stuck in some sort of combination of zip-ties and vines." Legs is plural, so the it should be a they.
5. "Soon enough, the people in the distance came close enough to see him struggle." You used soon enough earlier, when you said: "Soon enough, he came to his consciousness…". I might replace one of them with something different, e.g. shortly, presently, before long, etc. I'd also replace the him in this sentence with his.
6. "His arms and hands weren't moving to his own accord and taking forever to remove himself from the confinement." This sentence is a little confusing to me. Maybe: "his arms and hands refused to move/refused to move the way he wanted them to…" or "moved clumsily and were taking forever to remove…"
7. "He gave up and hopped up on his two feet towards the opposite direction." But earlier when he tried to stand up it was impossible?
8. "He looked back to see the two slowly approach him with a look of pity and mirth." I'd replace the two with the people. Also, here "The blond insisted, clearly…" I'd change the blond to the blond one.
9. “They looked at him and chuckled at his behavior as if he were some petulant child.” To be petulant to to be grumpy/petty/short-tempered. I don’t really see his behaviour as petulant, per se. Maybe “as if her were some silly child” or “some little child”, or something along those lines.
10. “There were three clear sections, one was the food area, one showed the sleeping quarters, and the last were supplies.” The were should be a *was**, as it’s referring to a singular section. You might want to say “and the last was for supplies.”
11. “Teens, adolescents, and young adults were scattered about, all with…” an adolescent is the same thing as a teenager, so that feels a little redundant. I’d take out either “teens” or “adolescents” to make it less repetitive.
12. “Xander's face were going through a multitude of expressions, each vast from one another depicting how he felt about the place.” The were in this sentence should be a was, as Xander’s face is singular. Also, I’m a bit confused by this bit: “…expressions, each vast from one another”
13. “He saw a nurse like figure enter the room…” I might just say “A nurse-like figure entered the room…” rather than saying he saw it. (Also, nurse-like needs a dash between the words).
14. “He whimpered in pain occasionally, not noticing that it had hurt so much.” The “not noticing” sounds like he didn’t notice it while his wounds were being treated, which is a little odd given that he was whimpering in pain. To make it more clear, I’d say something like this: “He whimpered in pain occasionally, having not noticed how much it had hurt earlier.” (Of course, you don’t have to say exactly that, but something along those lines).
15. “When he left, he got up and started limping around the base to go interact with the others.” When he left, was that referring to Xander leaving or the nurse leaving? I’d say “Xander” or “the nurse” to make it more clear. (I feel like you were referring to Xander, but there can be male nurses…)
16. “When he went outside, he started actually focusing on what the place was and how it looked.” Before, though, he noted the different sections and the people who were there, so I don’t think I’d say “he started actually paying attention”. Maybe “He noticed more details” or “he took the time to take in…”, etc.
17. “He thought about his parent” (I think you meant parents? I could be wrong). Xander does this, implying that he knows he has them, but then it says: “He didn't even know if he had parents.” This feels a little inconsistent. Maybe, “he tried to think about other people he knew, but…..” Or something.
18. “Xander noted his features then, seeing his hair up in cornrows. He was wearing a black t-shirt under a white and grey jacket, similar to everyone else. They all wore the same black work shoes that could be boots depending on how you looked at them and everyone had a number written on the left side of their jacket, hovering above their chest.” I feel like I’d move the description of the guy to when he first saw him, but him noticing how everyone’s dressed can probably stay where it is.
19. “Xander felt out of place with his denim pants and white t-shirt that had some words on the front and back with a logo on it.” I think I’d take out the part about the words and the logo, as it makes the sentence a bit rambling.
20. “”Oh, he's Jayde's brother but they don't know that.” Who’s they? Jayde and her brother? The government? How does Echo know they’re siblings?

A question: are you writing in third-person omniscient or third-person limited? (Omniscient is told by a narrator who knows & sees everything, and who can know the thoughts & emotions of all characters at once. Limited is where one character is the narrator, so only things that character knows, sees, and feels can be narrated).

Overall, this is really good! It really makes me want to know more about your characters and the camp :)

I hope this was helpful, and I hope I didn’t offend you at any point. I know sometimes I can be a bit blunt, even when I try to avoid it. Also remember, you don’t have to take any of my suggestions if you don’t want to! This is your writing, and you should do what you think is best with it. Happy writing :)

Thank you so much, this is the exact type of critiquing I want. I am writing in third person omniscient though.

I'm glad I could help :)