forum Can someone look over a couple of scenes I wrote? Thanks :D

Started June 17, 2018 by @JustAFan52

tune

Hey! I just wrote this thing, and it'd be awesome if you could look it over and give me some constructive criticism.

Kaleb wandered on the playground, alone. All the other kids had gone home for the day, but his mother was still at work, so he had to stay at school. The school’s playground was small, it only had a swing set, and a small jungle gym. Grabbing the bars of the jungle gym, Kaleb hoisted himself up, pulling with all of his feeble strength. Maybe if he did pull ups everyday, he wouldn’t be so skinny.
Pulling himself to the top of the bar, he sat on it. It was maybe 5 feet off the ground, but to him it felt like miles. The distance seemed to stretch the longer he stayed up there, and his heart beat faster and faster. Calming himself, and telling himself he was safe, he climbed down. He was scared of heights. Terrified of heights actually. Other kids his age were scaling the jungle gym like it was nothing, like they were weightless. Boy, Kaleb wished he was weightless, that he could do everything like they did. Kaleb closed his forest green eyes, he just wanted to be their friend. Why couldn’t he just make friends? Why was it so easy for everyone else?
With a sigh, Kaleb opened his eyes and looked down. Oh how he wished he had not looked down. He was floating. 3 feet off the ground, just floating there. Immediately, he panicked, letting out a shriek of fear and confusion. Suddenly he dropped back to the floor, and he slipped and fell on his back. Glancing around to see if anyone had noticed, he picked himself back up.
“What?” He asked aloud, confounded. Did he just hallucinate? Was he really just flying? These questions echoed loudly in his mind, but nothing was as loud as his own heartbeat. He was terrified of heights. There was only one way to find out if he really could float. Kaleb willed himself to do it again, wishing as hard as he could, even though in his heart he never wanted to do it again. Nothing happened. ‘I have to be brave,’ he thought. Kaleb pulled himself back up on top of the bar, balancing himself enough to stand. If he really did have some kind of ability and he wasn’t hallucinating, then he would catch himself right? ‘It’s only 5 feet down,’ he thought, gulping. He closed his eyes in fear, and pushed himself off of the bar. He didn’t hit the ground. Slowly opening his eyes, he looked down at his feet. His shoes were about a foot off the ground, but it felt like he was standing on solid ground. Letting out a nervous chuckle, he lifted his foot, and then attempted to put it down in the same spot. It worked! It really, really worked! He was floating! It wasn’t so scary, he wasn’t very high off the ground. He willed himself to walked on the ground again, and he did.
He jumped suddenly when he heard a honk from the parking lot. His mom was here to pick him up. Nervously, he wondered if she had seen what he was doing.

Anything you have to say about this is fine by me. I know it's bad and needs a lot of editing. I have other snippets from this story, and another story if you want to read them :)

Cool little scene!
Couple of suggestions and questions to think about:

• Have you ever done a pull up before, or tried? Because I have and it's not easy at all. Like, if you're not in shape to do a pull up, it's not happening. You should probably say something along the lines of "Kaleb jumped up and grabbed the bars. Then, by wriggling, and pushing off with his feet, he succeeded in getting to the top of the jungle gym." I guess what I'm trying to say is that it was hard to picture him getting himself up there. I know this is a really weird suggestion but if you're having trouble visualizing something you're writing, either watch youtube videos of people doing it or watch someone in real life or do it yourself. (doing it yourself is the most helpful and the most embarrassing so i'll leave it at that)
• Second thing: maybe you should describe the feeling of floating better when he discovers he can control it. Maybe it could feel like he's walking on a huge marshmallow or a giant air mattress, but I need a better feeling with it, because if it feels like actual solid ground then…idk…i think there's more you can do with that.
  Those are the only story suggestions I've got! The other thing is grammar. Obviously this is a rough draft so it's not the end of the world. I'll just copy and paste your scene and correct somethings that I see in bold and talk about the reasons in italics :)

Kaleb wandered on the playground, alone. All the other kids had gone home for the day, but his mother was still at work, so he had to stay at school. The school’s playground was small, it only had a swing set, and a small (delete this, you just used this same adj) jungle gym. Grabbing the bars of the jungle gym, Kaleb hoisted himself up, pulling with all of his feeble strength. Maybe if he did pull-ups everyday, he wouldn’t be so skinny.
Pulling himself to the top of the bar, he sat on it. It was maybe 5 feet off the ground, but to him it felt like miles. The distance seemed to stretch the longer he stayed up there, and his heart beat faster and faster. Calming himself, and telling himself he was safe, he climbed down.
He was scared of heights. Terrified of heights actually. Other kids his age were scaling the jungle gym like it was nothing, like they were weightless. Boy, Kaleb wished he was weightless, that he could do everything like they did. Kaleb closed his forest green eyes. He (two sentences, otherwise its a run on) just wanted to be their friend.
Why couldn’t he just make friends? Why was it so easy for everyone else?
With a sigh, Kaleb opened his eyes and looked down. Oh how he wished he had not looked down. He was floating–3 feet off the ground, just floating there. Immediately (delete. you use the same sentence beginning later, and it doesn't add anything necessary), he panicked, letting out a shriek of fear and confusion. Suddenly he dropped back to the floor, and he slipped and fell on his back. Glancing around to see if anyone had noticed, he picked himself back up.
“What?” He asked aloud, confounded.
Did he just hallucinate? Was he really just flying?
These questions echoed loudly in his mind, but nothing was as loud as his own heartbeat. He was terrified of heights. There was only one way to find out if he really could float. Kaleb willed himself to do it again, wishing as hard as he could, even though in his heart he never wanted to do it again. Nothing happened.
‘I have to be brave,’ he thought.
Kaleb pulled himself back up on top of the bar, balancing himself enough to stand. If he really did have some kind of ability and he wasn’t hallucinating, then he would catch himself right? ‘It’s only 5 feet down,’ he thought, gulping. He closed his eyes in fear, and pushed himself off of the bar. He didn’t hit the ground. Slowly opening his eyes, he looked down at his feet. His shoes were about a foot off the ground, but it felt like he was standing on solid ground. Letting out a nervous chuckle, he lifted his foot, and then attempted to put it down in the same spot. It worked! It really, really worked! He was floating! It wasn’t so scary, he wasn’t very high off the ground. He willed himself to walked on the ground again, and he did.
He jumped suddenly when he heard a honk from the parking lot. His mom was here to pick him up. Nervously, (delete. you used the word nervous earlier and I've noticed you start sentences pretty often with an adv, so mix it up a little.) he wondered if she had seen what he was doing.

Anyways, it was a good little scene. Keep it up and keep writing!