Otis looked around frantically. Just a minute ago, he was walking with his friend Annika in the forest. The next thing he knew, he was alone. He stood perfectly still. A stick cracked. Otis whipped his head around. He didn’t see anything. He cautiously started walking. Slowly, carefully… Just then, he was in front of a clearing. A small one, but still a clearing. He was about to walk into it and sit down on a rock, but just then, two men came up. They were fighting. They made their way into the clearing, where the bigger one shoved the smaller one onto the ground. “I swear, I don’t know where it is!”The bigger one death-glared the smaller one. “Well, if you don’t know where the money is, who does?” The smaller man was frantic. “Irwin, I swear, I don’t know!” “I know that you have it. If you won’t give it ‘ta me, imma have ‘ta…” He slowly pulled out a gun. “No-no Irwin, I’m begging you..NOOOO!” A gunshot fired. The smaller man lay there, dead. The bigger man had a look of slight regret. “I’m sorry I had t do that, brother…” The bigger man, “Irwin”, shut the man’s eyes and ran off, looking in all directions. Otis ducked into a bush.
Okay so you said that Otis was walking in a forest before with his friend before this happened. Maybe he should try to call out to his friend before walking forward. Also the "NOOO" is a bit unrealistic and why would Irwin run off afterward if he thinks he is alone in a forest? Maybe you should have him walk away instead.
When a new person talks it should start a new paragraph
When a new person talks it should start a new paragraph
I know, but this is just a draft and I have SO many people talking.
Okay so you said that Otis was walking in a forest before with his friend before this happened. Maybe he should try to call out to his friend before walking forward. Also the "NOOO" is a bit unrealistic and why would Irwin run off afterward if he thinks he is alone in a forest? Maybe you should have him walk away instead.
OK, yeah, I forgot that you would typically call out before moving XD. Alright, I'll fix that :)
When a new person talks it should start a new paragraph
I know, but this is just a draft and I have SO many people talking.
Even if it is a draft you should still separate each person talking, it helps keep your writing organized so that there will be less editing at the end. Keeping the formatting proper ends up helping you write more in the end, because you'll see the empty space after each person talking and you'll want to fill it in. It also helps people reviewing to be more willing to review it because its not a wall of text and not as confusing of, "Wait, whos talking now?"
I know, but this is just a draft and I have SO many people talking.
@Born_Confuzzled_Chameleon - I’d imagine, like me, you probably don’t want people telling you things you already know, so if you make your work the best that you can before getting critique, the critique will cover things you weren’t aware of and be a lot more helpful to you. :)
I got some critique if you like
From the viewpoint of a reader, I find it's a bit clunky at first. I think the sentences at the beginning are too short and sharp. I assume you were trying to convey suspense or frantic…ness but it's a little hard to read.
Also adverbs. Frantically, perfectly, cautiously. They aren't really working. Try using a different verb or just get rid of the adverb and see if that flows better. You might also be able to combine some sentences like 'Otis whipped his head around.' and 'He didn't see anything." That's what words like 'but' and 'and' are for. (sorry that probably sounded condescending)
I'd also make the fact that the two men are fighting more obvious sooner. I got the image of two guys just strolling into a clearing and then they were suddenly fighting and it was confusing. So I would merge the 'They were fighting.' sentence with the previous one somehow.
And instead of the smaller one and the bigger one maybe mix it up a tiny bit with something like the other in a way that makes it obvious who is talking but that should be easy since the dialogue is easy to follow anyway.
Everything else has been covered pretty much
