forum Can someone critique my story snips please?

Started August 01, 2018 by Deleted user

tune

I know that there is no 'Character names' This is on purpose so you can ignore that but otherwise critique away and thank you.

He remained mute. Watching the doctors and nurses move past in a steady hum of activity. He noted empty hospital beds by the walls and patients pushing IV stands, their skin seeming to soak in the ugly yellow, gray glow of the fluorescent lights overhead only to reflect it back out in an equally dull glow. He tried to remember the last time he'd walked hospital halls like this one. How he'd felt, what he'd seen and heard and smelled and said. All that came to mind was the hum of an electric razor filling his ears and the feeling of paint chipping beneath his fingers as he sat at the hospital bedside in a folding chair staring absently at the man who rested there. He told himself nothing had changed and that the man that lay there was the same, that this shell of a person was still the man he loved as if he wasn't gone months ago.

He closed his eyes, bit his lip, and finally, he slid his hand into the man's limp one. He spoke through gritted teeth, "You have to wake up, all right? I– you're– you…I have stuff I want to tell you, okay? Stuff that, I think you'd be proud of me, but I can't tell you if you don't wake up." He hesitated, was he really going to talk to someone who probably couldn't hear him? "People… people don't like me…" He shifted in his chair and stared hard at the edge of the bed where the mattress met the metal frame, "Look when you met me, I'm not even sure if you liked me… b-but you stuck around anyway and…. I-I" tears streamed down his face, he couldn't finish his 'I love you' without breaking down. How did this happen? How did their simple love become so plagued with troubles?