forum Can someone critique my First Chapter? I know it needs lots of work :)
Started by @CurtisFamWriters
tune

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@CurtisFamWriters

I opened my eyes slowly. I was sleeping behind a few garbage cans, on the street. The fate of the poor. I sighed and stood up, by back feeling like it was going to fall apart. It felt so normal, it took me a moment to realize it was my birthday. For the most part, my birthday didn’t matter. I was poor, there was never any cake, or presents, but this was different. Today I was turning thirteen. For most people, that didn’t matter. But I was different. I was Demon Kin.
To be Demon Kin, is to host a Demon within your body. And when you turn thirteen you go to school, to learn about how to control the power of the Demon.
Suddenly I heard a snort in my head. “You can’t control my power. You are to weak Elliott”, Abigor, the Demon in me said.
Abigor has a split personality. His other personality is named Eligos. Eligos merged with me perfectly. We are of one mind and body, but Abigor, he is different. It’s like I have become Abigors other personality, and he hates me just as much as he hates Eligos. The difference is that I have access to his power. So he hates me more than he hates Eligos.
“Shut up Abigor. You yourself surrendered your power to me seven years ago”, I said.
Abigor snorted again. “Just because you have the power doesn’t mean you can use it”.
I ignored him and walked back to the place where I was supposed to sleep. Ever since they discovered me two years ago I have been living in the palace. But living eleven years as an orphan, living on the streets, it’s hard to go to finery. So every night I sneak out and sleep on the street. For me the street has always been my home.
I sighed as I climbed through the window into my room. It was as bigger than my old house, the walls looked like they were made of gold, the bed could fit ten people, and everything was bigger than anything outside. Most of all it made me sick. Why should people outside be starving, when selling a single thing in this room could feed an army? And yet the people living here are content.
“You really should just accept that you are better than them. You are host to a Great Duke of Hell. You deserve finery. They do not”, Abigor said.
“Shut up”, I muttered.
Just then my personal attendant walked in, holding an outfit. “I am to dress you”, he said.
“I’ll just do it myself like usual”, I said.
“No, I have been given strict orders to dress you myself. After all today is a special day”, he said.
“You don’t care about any of my other birthdays”, I muttered to myself.
“Your other birthdays were inconsequential but this one is important. It will decide your life you are to be a solder. You will help in wars. You will be important”, he said.
I snorted. “I’m not going to be a solder. I’m going to be a weapon for you to use until I get dull. I wasn’t brainwashed like the others here. Don’t forget I came by older. They haven’t had ,me as long as the others.”
“You will be a —”, he started
“I see you have been brainwashed as well. Give me the cloths I’ll do it myself”, I said.
“I have been in —”
“Structided blah blah blah, give me the clothes”, I said.
Without another word he he handed me the cloths and left. I knew I was being to hard on him. He was just doing his job. But the way he carried himself as if he was better than everyone else made me mad.
I took a look at my outfit. A blue cloak, open in the front, and black clothes to wear underneath. The uniform for Class One. The school I was about to attend was more like being a soldier than a student. You could spend a day in Class one if you are strong enough. Ore you could spend a year in Class One. It was a ranking system. Meant to make some people feel good about themselves, and some to feel terrible.
I sighed and got dressed. I walked to the dining room and grabbed an apple. I never could stomach lots of food. There were more people in the palace, many of whom were Demon Kin like me. But the palace was so huge, I rarely saw any of them. To my shock, however, Pride was sitting at the table. I had only seen her once before in passing.
She was the Princess of Dividia, the country of my birth. She was wearing a dress last time I saw her, but today she was wearing her uniform for school. The green of the Second Class. She had blonde hair, almost the same color as mine, and the unnatural good looks of one who hosts Lucifer, King of Hell.
A few Demons were tied to families. We call these Hereditary Demons. Lucifer is the Hereditary Demon of the Royal family of Dividia. Demons like Abigor we call Random Demons. Demons who choose to stay with a host until he or she dies, and then going to a new host randomly. Many hosts of Hereditary Demons look down on hosts of Random Demons, although there is no difference in out powers.
Rather than talking to Pride, I turned to walk out.
“Ahem”, Pride coughed. “You didn’t bow”.
I sighed, turned, did a quick bow, and left.
“What a prideful… well I guess it’s in the name”, I laughed to myself. Pride would inherit this kingdom. Not because she is the oldest, but because she hosts Lucifer. Lucifer chose not to possess her older brother, because he was not destined to share any aspect of his personality. Demons are attracted to things similar to them. That’s why Eligos went for me. My name is Elliott, which is similar to Eligos. My thoughts are also in with his sync with his. That is how I became half Paragon. A merging of minds. I am Elliott, but I am also Eligos. But I am only half due to Abigor. It’s the same with Hereditary Demons. They refuse to enter one who is not similar to them.
As I stepped outside I noticed a coach. My attendant stood outside it. He still looked fidgety from the vocal thrashing I gave him earlier. Feeling slightly sorry, I used the power I got from Eligos to touch his mind and soothe him before stepping into the coach.
Time for school.

@TryToDoItWrite

oh hello. here's the first chapter! explains a lot! it also has similar issues. I would try to explain/infodump less to the audience and let them experience it more. don't explain how the world works. tell us about the characters feelings and thoughts toward the world and let that teach the reader

@Joy_

Hello! I would maybe start out differently, and try adding more detail. One thing I find helps is to completely rewrite what I have so that it all flows easier. Also reading out loud helps too.

@RJ-world-building

Very interesting and intriguing premise with a lot of very creative ideas. However, there are a couple of minor changes you could make to improve your writing.

One aspect you could improve on is how you describe things. Try to use a wider vocabulary in order for your readers to be able to visualise the story. Instead of using 'mad' try using stronger words like 'furious'. Better yet, try describing how it makes the character act. e.g, "it made her blood boil". A key writing tip is to 'show not tell'. When showing a character's reaction to something, instead of telling the audience that your character is angry, show it by describing things like her gritting her teeth, clenching her fists, raising her voice, slamming her fist on the table, etc. If you are stuck, look up how someone acts when they are emotional online.

"I sighed and stood up, by back feeling like it was going to fall apart." has a spelling error. It should be "I sighed and stood up, my back feeling like it was going to fall apart."

"Suddenly I heard a snort in my head."
It's best not to use the word 'suddenly' when you are trying to surprise or shock the reader with new information. While using 'suddenly' may seem like it shows how something is unexpected or 'sudden', it actually has the opposite effect. By adding 'suddenly', you are warning the readers that something unexpected is about to happen, instead of just showing them something unexpected.
For example:
"To be Demon Kin, is to host a Demon within your body. And when you turn thirteen you go to school, to learn about how to control the power of the Demon.
I heard a snort in my head. “You can’t control my power. You are to weak Elliott”, Abigor, the Demon in me said."
Is a lot more unexpected and sudden than:
"To be Demon Kin, is to host a Demon within your body. And when you turn thirteen you go to school, to learn about how to control the power of the Demon.
Suddenly I heard a snort in my head. “You can’t control my power. You are to weak Elliott”, Abigor, the Demon in me said."

Speaking of this sentence, there are a few punctuation and spelling errors. "You are to weak Elliot" should be "You are too weak, Elliot". Too is spelt incorrectly and there should be a comma in-between 'weak' and Elliot'. You should always put a comma before someone's name when writing dialogue. E.g, "Let's eat grandma!" should be "Let's eat, grandma!" in order to show that the character is not about to eat their own grandma.

"It was as bigger than my old house…" Say this sentence out loud. The correct sentence structure should be either " It was bigger than my old house" or "It was as big as my old house".

"…They haven’t had ,me as long as the others.” There does not need to be a comma in this sentence.

“Structided blah blah blah, give me the clothes”, I said. the word, 'Instructed' is spelt incorrectly.

Also, make sure to triple check that you are always writing in the same tense. There are a couple of verbs that are written in present tense instead of past tense scattered throughout your story.

Hope this helps!