forum Can anyone criticize my character?
Started by @@NothingHappened871
tune

people_alt 10 followers

@Mish

I would love to, but it says I don't have permission to view the character. >-< Is your character on private?

@Mish

Okay, so I like his name, but OH MY GOSH IS HE UNDERWEIGHT. If he's supposed to be slim and athletic (thus indicating muscle), he should at least be at LEAST 136lbs, and if he's slightly muscular, given your "athletic" description, he should be a few more pounds than that. (I'd estimate a nice 150 or something in that range, since a fully muscular 5'11'' male should be around 190lbs. [According to my sources.])

Also, Heterochromia is the bane of my writer's existence, so I'm gonna keep my tongue in check, but I really dislike heterochroma. Especially for a main character.

(I love his race, though: "White". It cracks me up every time I read it. XDD)

OMG HOLY CRAP HIS FLAWS. HOW ANGSTY ARE YOU?!
[Ahem]
…sorry. Let me rephrase:
As much as I enjoy making characters that draw awareness for people with mental illness, it is very, very unlikely for a character to have all of these problems. I seriously ask you to consider removing a few of these "flaws". I get that some of them connect, but hoooly heck is it over-kill. Being a person who suffers from a few of these mental illnesses myself, and knowing people who have the rest, I can wholeheartedly testify that one is enough to make anyone crazy, and more is enough to make you lose your mind. (Also, I call the "Words-mixed-up-when-you-say-them" as "Verbal Dyslexia". I have this too! [Sarcastic cheering])

And instead of listing all of his mental illnesses as flaws, how about things that he's bad at, or pet peeves of his. You could also add character flaws such as, "Anger issues", "Chronic Procrastination", "Laziness", etc. etc.

Also a prejudice is a "preconceived opinion that is not based on reason or actual experience." I don't think "supporting gay rights" falls under a prejudice.

okay, I need to sign off soon, but I will SURELY make a separate thing for the rest of his character. This is all I can do for now. ^-^

@@NothingHappened871

  1. Yes he is quite underweight. Remember, he has been kicked out of his home by his parents, he barely has enough money to get an apartment. He is trying to get back in to shape.
  2. Sorry about the heterochromia.
  3. I have been diagnosed with depression and PTSD, and its horrible. But yes, I wanted to create a character with all these flaws and see how long he would last.
  4. I have Verbal Dyslexia too (another round of sarcastic cheering)
  5. He doesn't have anger issues or laziness.
  6. Sorry about the placement of some of the facts about him.
  7. He is asexual and biromantic (as am I)
  8. This story is more or less based around my life.

Thank you for the criticism, because I suck at writing.

Deleted user

I think your character is cool. I do think though that if he was so underweight that he would have very little muscle mass so I'd either change his weight or the description of his muscle mass since it doesn't really translate.

I love the thing about cupcakes XD

I understand that you're trying to base it around your life but I do agree that there is quite an abundance of "flaws" in your main character. I fear that if he cuts himself and lies awake at night staring at the ceiling and crying he might turn into a living Wattpad fanfic. (That was a joke hah jokes I'm sorry that was mean I'm a terrible person).

I have a question though: what's a Maro-Wolf? Sorry, I'm just being ignorant. Oops.

Second question: why is his dad not listed under the "family" heading? Just curious.

Another thing: the bit about his dad selling him as a slave several times a night confuses me.

One more thing I noticed, but you said he wanted to be an English professor, but also that he "worked up his fame" at an illegal fighting club. Wouldn't this fame keep him from being hired as a teacher?

Overall I think your character is very interesting and your attention to detail in his traits is admirable. Personally I just make up crap about my characters as I got along. Oops. Don't know what that says about me as a writer. Probably nothing good XD You don't suck at writing. I think you're very creative and it shows in the details of your character and his backstory.

Good luck on your story!

@Mish

I have returned. ^-^
First, to tie off any loose ends:

  1. Understood. I do concur with Alice on the fact that you might want to rewrite the description of his muscle-mass, to fit better with his actual weight. Someone who's about 20lbs underweight would not have an "athletic build."
  2. No, don't apologize. I understand that it is an actual thing that some humans do posses (as well as purple eyes!) and I do actually thank you for making it subtler than most writers who do heterochromia. (Making slight changes to the over-all eye color instead of "BLUE AND RED EYES" or something silly like that.)
  3. I'm so sorry to hear that. Stay strong, my friend. ^-^
  4. Okay, I see that I may have not made this as clear as I wanted too: What I meant to do was suggest character flaws that could be implemented into your character, not to suggest ones that he might have. They were only suggestions and nothing more. My apologies for the misunderstanding.
  5. Hey! Fellow ace! ^.^
  6. Oh shoot. I'm so sorry to hear that. >-<

And now, onto the backstory!
Right off the bat, I'd like to know what type of slavery is going on here. Is it just menial house-work, prostitution, or something else?
Also, I understand that you said, "kicked out of his home by his parents." Would you mind too terribly as to add some background information on his mom in his backstory? I don't think I read a line of text regarding her…
Also, because I'm a lame young adult and have to be concerned about this sort of stuff: Does his mom have a full time job? Who pays for their rent/mortgage/property tax–whatever on the house? Do they have enough money to pay the electrical bills, heating, and cooling? Or is the dad just a jerk and sells his kid because he wants extra cash? Also, being able to send your kid to school requires a steady income as well, so someone has to have a job to keep this kid in school.

Speaking of school, how come everyone hates him? That seems highly unlikely. I myself have been one of the "social outcasts" if you will, so I understand the general populous' aversion towards him, but at least one or two people would've tried to at least be nice to him, especially the teachers. And I highly doubt that not a single one of his teachers even raised an eyebrow regarding this kid's physical abuse by his father. Even if they couldn't see the scars, they would've been able to recognize a behavioral change in this kid. Especially since young boys love to rough-house. Aidyn would probably have at least had a unconscious physical reaction to what he was seeing, whether just simple turning away, wincing, or touching his most recent scars through the fabric of his clothes.

(Also, small spelling error here, but I felt the need to point it out: "Aidyn's dad [through] Aidyin…" The correct word would be "threw". As in, "Aidyn was picked up and thrown across the room by his father while in a drunken haze.")

While reading back through this and contemplating what you said earlier about him getting kicked out. I don't remember it being said anywhere that he was kicked out–I assumed he ran away from home.

And on the subject of the kid that meets him: Aidyn, like you said, is currently in a horrible physical condition when he's younger, thus, he wouldn't "look like he could be a fighter" like this "older guy" says. He would be so scrawny, with barely any excess fat on him. Either this "older guy" can see the future, or he was just kidding him when he said it. ;D

Also, did he stay in school this entire time? Or did he just really luck out on the entrance exams? Also, he would have to have a "place of residence" or an address to receive any college acceptance letters–according to my knowledge, I could be wrong.

That's all I think I have! Apologies for the suuuper long critique. And for your troubles, Imma give you some positive feedback: You do not suck at writing, trust me, I know some suck-y writers and you are leagues ahead of them. You have an ability to create a gritty, angsty, world and setting that I would not be able to, which is amazing. It may seem a bit cliche at times, but hey, that's how all writers start out. I'm very interested to see how your story pans out. Keep up the good work, my friend, and as a close writing mentor once told me, "Shoot for the stars, you'll get there some day."

Thank you for your time, and have a wonderful day! ^-^

Maddie

I agree with @Mish. It's very unlikely for him to have every single one of those disorders. If you want to keep depression and PTSD, I could understand that. Just make sure that the description is realistic. Take details from real life or do a little more research before you write him. One of my biggest pet peeves is when writers have no idea how to write a character with mental illness or an abusive character. Always go for accuracy!