forum Anyone willing to critique my second chapter?
Started by @CurtisFamWriters
tune

people_alt 2 followers

@CurtisFamWriters

I got out of the coach, and walked up to the front door. After composing myself I stepped through the door. Immediately after stepping through the door I felt a stomach dropping lurch, and next thing I knew I was in an open room with a few other boys and a girl.
I grabbed my stomach and stopped myself before I could throw up. Well it was going to take me awhile to get used to that. “Hi”, I muttered, still feeling slightly sick.
I heard a few half hearted ‘hi’s’ back, but mostly they seemed consumed with doing nothing and feeling nervous. The girl, however, walked over to me and said. “Hi, my names Ala, what’s your name?”
The girl had long, dirty blonde hair, chestnut brown eyes, and tannish skin.
The chipper tone of voice was obviously a way for her to hide how uncomfortable she was.
“I’m Elliott”, I said.
She leaned in close as if to share a secret and said in my ear. “Don’t let these guys get to you. There just wet noodles is all”.
I snorted. “I can see that. Ala right?” I said.
She nodded, and laughed, seeming to relax a bit. “You wanna come sit by me?” she said.
I hadn’t noticed before, but there were cushions on the ground, in a straight line. By the fact that my cushion was the last one left, I guessed that I was the last to arrive.
“I don’t have a choice do I?” I laughed and sat on the cushion next to hers. She sat down next to me and laughed.
Suddenly, a woman appeared at the door, and stepped through, not looking sick at all. So I guess it was possible to get used to it.
“Hello, my name is Mia Taylor. You can just call me Master Taylor. I am the principal here. Now you will only have one official master here. He or she will give you advice. He or she will help you. You will get to know him or her very well. But you will also have other masters, who specialize in different fields. They will teach you, but they will not advise you. They will only teach you. Understood?”
There were a few half hearted ‘yeses’, Then she walked out, and a second later, a man appeared. He called out a name. A boy stood up and left with him. A few more times, and it was just me and Ala.
“I’m looking for Elliott, and Ala”, a disgruntled looking man said, standing in the doorway. Both me and Ala stood up, and followed him out of the room. We ended up in a different room, and, after my sick feeling subsided, I noticed that there were three other people in the room.
Two of them were obviously brothers. They had the same face, but thats were the similarities ended. One had short, wavy red hair, blue eyes, and a nice tan. The other, had the same hairstyle, but he had black hair, the same blue eyes, and the tan. But this one was painfully skinny, and short, while the other was a bit chubby, and tall.
The other person in the room was a girl. She was short, had long, curly black hair, green eyes, and was very pale, especially in comparison to me or the other two boys.
“Get to know each other”, the man grunted, before leaving.
“Umm hi, I’m Ala”, Ala said, somewhat hesitantly.
“I’m Elliott”, I said.
“I’m Oriax”, the short brother said.
“I’m his twin, Orias”, the other said.
“Hi, I’m Lilian. You can call me Lily”, the girl said, with a small smile.
“So, what Demon’s do you host?” I asked.
“Oriax”, Oriax said.
“Orias”, Orias said.
“Lilith”, Lily said.
“Lilith as in, Adam’s second wife, who tried to lead him into darkness?” Ala asked.
“Yes”, Lily said.
I had never heard of this Demon before. Some Demons used to be humans, before committing one of the seven mortal sins, and being sentenced to Hell. Once there, they have there minds altered, and are driven into darkness. Based on the way Ala said about this Lilith I guessed that Lilith was this type.
“I’ll go next. I am host to Eligos, and Abigor”, I said.
“Wait, your possessed by two Demons?” Orias asked.
“I’m not. Eligos and Abigor are one and the same. Two personalities in one body. Eligos and I have achieved the perfect state. I am a Paragon. Well half Paragon”, I corrected myself.
“Okay, Paragon’s are so rare, I find that hard to believe. But, for the sake of argument, let's say it’s true. How can you only be half Paragon?”, Oriax asked.
“Abigor gets in the way. To be a Paragon means to be perfect. With abigor in the way, I am only half perfect, making me I half Paragon”, I responded.
I could tell Oriax was about to argue, but before he could, Ala said. “I host an Ala”.
“An Ala?”, Lily asked.
“There are many, none of which have a name”, Ala responded.
Just then the man appeared in the doorway. “You all introduced? Good. You can just call me Master Elymas. I will be your main instructor. Now because we have two newbies, you can have the day off. Enjoy it. Tomorrow's going to be hell on earth”, he said, before once again disappearing.

@TryToDoItWrite

Hey! Well done! this is an interesting piece. the plot has lots of room to grow and move and the characters have potential! All in all, interesting idea ..though I'm a little bit lost. I think it has to do with pacing.
Maybe it's because we're picking up in the second chapter and i've missed some worldbuidling, but also i think it's because we're rushing forward very very quickly. so many characters were introduced with full name and description. I couldn't keep track of who was who and what it all meant. the setting changed place rapidly, which is okay, but only if I understand why. I'm not quite sure how he—oh. I went back and re read it and I get it now. He's walking up to a school. the description was so vauge that I didn't quite know. Again, maybe i missed some stuff in the first chapter.
What i'm wanting is the narrators thoughts. You slightly get his feelings across with his sick stomach and then relaxing while meeting Ala, but other than that i don't understand the narrator at all. first person is supposed to dive deep into the characters thoughts and emotions. Intead, i feel detached from him. I want to know his gut reactions to meeting these people. what sticks out about them to him? is it his funny way of talking? is it her weird accent? First person narrators leave no room for * laundry list character description

  • example:
    (One had short, wavy red hair, blue eyes, and a nice tan. The other, had the same hairstyle, but he had black hair, the same blue eyes, and the tan. But this one was painfully skinny, and short, while the other was a bit chubby, and tall.
    The other person in the room was a girl. She was short, had long, curly black hair, green eyes, and was very pale, especially in comparison to me or the other two boys.
    )

because that isn't what real people first think about while meeting new people. Fast and dirty descriptions. pick a part of their appearance or behavior that would stick out to your narrator and tell us about that. trust the reader to fill in the rest.
try this instead?

  • Two of them were obviously brothers, but one was painfully skinny, and short, while the other was a bit chubby, and tall. The other was a girl. She was very pale, especially in comparison to me the other two boys.

these are the bits of the description that stood out the most to me while reading and would to any person really. (plus i don't think eye color would be visible from that far away)

oh wait. i was talking about first person narrators..Yeah! Get immersed into his mind! give us his buried emotions. his outlandish thoughts that he would never say outloud! go deeper than the very basic plot points!

anyways sorry for the rambling review! I think this has a lot of potential and I would encourage you to it keep up!!
come check out my critiquing group if you're interested in getting more feedback!