forum Anyone want to read/comment on my story?

Started July 31, 2019 by @bonjourhumans

tune

I'm working on this story for a competition, and I'm nearly done editing it, but I feel like it isn't there yet. Would anyone care to read it over and comment questions/stuff like that?

There's the link^^^

Hey! I'll read it over in a sec! If you still want the critique, that is :) If you've already found some, well, too bad you're getting a second opinion XD

Ok, so as I'm reading through this a couple of things come to mind:

• Wow. That is a lot of emotion in this piece of writing. I can practically feel the emotion bursting off the page. I really like how you made the emotion POP. :)
• So at the end of page 6, you wrote "as she picked the large cigar she had been smoking out of the ashtray." and this gets me because that is a sentence fragment. you write "it still smoldered." that is a sentence, but "as" indicates that there is more to the sentence, if there is no more to write, the get rid of the "as" part then. I would also recommend linking the two sentences together, like "she picked up the large cigar she had been smoking out of the ashtray, still smoldering." and yes, I couldn't help myself I basically edited that part of the story. Oki I'm gonna keep reading now, see you in a bit :)
• Wow. Ok that was short, but very… emotional, heart-catching. One thing though, what is the plot of the story? Even after reading it all the way through, I still can't tell what the main story is… is it about a girl, Alyssa mourning the loss of her lover, Octavian? That is all I can retrieve from the story. And why is the main character repeating the words, "Maeve" and "Crimson" in her head a lot?

Well, the plot of the story is…

Alessa (the MC) is leaving her French hometown after being caught in the garden kissing her best friend (Octavian) by her best friend's ex (Sophelia). Sophelia already shot and killed Octavian, and Alessa left in fear that she would be next. She slowly went crazy, causing her focus on mauve and crimson (The blood and the owner of the blood). She then proceeded to burn down the building because she thought it would be the only way to escape the fear and colors.

I hope that answered some of your questions! And I fixed that sentence so it fits a bit better :)

Ah, oki thanks! Maybe make the plot more distinguishable? Tho just know I'm not gonna re-read the story over again, or give you more critique.

Alright, awesome! Thanks so much!