forum Anyone Want to Critique My Random Blurb?
Started by @Imperfect_Autumn group
tune

people_alt 2 followers

@Imperfect_Autumn group

So, I had this idea and wrote it down, but this is as far as I've gotten. I just want to know if anyone thinks it would be good to expand.


"You… are mine," he breathed, running calloused fingers through her hair.

She shuddered, longing to suppress the feeling of fear that was taking her over. "No. I am not yours," she said, her voice shaking with that unsuppressed fear. "I am a daughter of the one true King, and He will get me out of this place."

He stiffened at the mention of the King but quickly shook it off, chuckling quietly. "Oh, no, darling. Haven't you heard?" a sinister smile lifted the corners of his lips, causing her to shiver. "The King doesn't reign in these parts anymore. At least, not your King. Around here, I am king, and there is nothing anyone could ever do to save you."

barabara

My one critique is that you use 'suppress the feeling of fear' and 'unsuppressed fear' twice in the same line. This makes it sound a bit repetitive. Other than that it's a really interesting piece! Happy writing!