forum Any one wanna Critique my Prologue?
Started by @CurtisFamWriters
tune

people_alt 2 followers

@CurtisFamWriters

The One Hundred Twenty Third King of the world looked at the contract in his hand. Once his signature adorned this page, Demons of every kind would be able to possess babies, so long as the children retained control. It seemed like a straightforward contract, but Demons were fickle creatures, known for their mischief. For all he knew, they were already plotting. The only reason the Demons were even agreeing to this contract in the first place was because they hate Hell. It’s not fun for them either. As well as the fact that humans were getting better at resisting Demon possession.
He knew he should think long and hard before signing this contract, but the Demons were growing impatient. He knew that if he waited any longer, it would most likely mean his head. He rubbed his neck, and gulped. Then, without another thought, he scratched his name on the contract with the quill.
The King sat back and wondered what his ancestors would think about his decision. If you went all the way back to the beginning of humankind, there was Adam, the First King of the world. His firstborn was the Second, his, the Third, and so on all the way down to him, number one hundred twenty three. (He didn’t know it at this time, but he would also be the last King of the world).
The King rubbed his hands together to ward off the cold. He had to do this outside in the snow, because Demons are strictly forbidden to enter the palace. Right then he wished he had made an exception. Shivering, he knelt down in the snow and drew a very old ritual, that went back to the time of Adam, a ritual to summon Lucifer, King of the Demons. With a chant in the ancient language, it was complete.
Lucifer stood before the King. His skin was pale as the snow around him, his eyes black as coals. He was well dressed in a suit and tie, and looked unnaturally handsome. His hair was combed to one side, his cheekbones so sharp, they looked like they could cut through steel.
“Hello”, Lucifer purred in a soothing voice. “How may I help you?”
“Lucifer”, the King said.
“Oh it’s you”, Lucifer said with a smile. “Is my contract complete?”
“Yes. All it needs is your signature, then a drop of my blood and yours. The blood will make it unbreakable”, the King said, feeling nervous.
“Yes I know how a blood contract works”, Lucifer said. “Give me the quill”.
The King silently handed Lucifer the quill. In a flash, his signature was next to the Kings. He then pricked his finger with the tip of the quill, and watched in silence as it fell onto the paper, splatering next to his name. Lucifer then handed the quill back to the King.
Bracing himself for the pain, the King stabbed himself in the finger with the quill, and watched as blood welled up on his finger, then spilled off and onto the paper, mingling with the blood of the Devil. He couldn’t help but feel as if he had made a grave mistake, as the contract split into exact copies.
Lucifer picked one up. “One for me, and one for you”, he said, handing the extra copy to the King.
The King only had time for a quick ‘thank you’, before Lucifer disappeared in a similar manner to the way a appeared. The King walked back into the palace, and ordered a large fire built in the fireplace. He then sat in a chair next to the fire and thought about the implications of the contract he now held in his hand. He rubbed his head and quickly fell asleep, and never woke up again.

@SupernaturalSyGuyIsTIred group

Interesting start. Hopfully this holds up on its own outside of the main plotline, yet also lends something to the main story as well. Your grammar is great. That being said, I did catch a slight error towards the end where Lucifer disappears, and the 'w' in King of the World should be capitalized as well. In my opinion, this is lacking a bit on some descriptive imagry. Don't be afraid to describe things; include more sensory details. Describe the surroundings more. You can even describe how the King feels towards Lucifer. Is he frightened of him? Nervous around him? Etc. I like how you describe Lucifer in this. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I have a feeling that your story is supposed to be about the apocalypse in some way or form…. Prologues should clearly state the premise of the story. Question: why would demons want to posses babies? I find that kinda strange and unnerving! Lol All in all the idea is great, and it seems like your off to a great start. Wish you the best of luck with this!

Side note Is your username a refference to The Outsiders? I read that book three different times while in Jr. High! Once just because I needed a book to read for a book report, and the other tow times were class reads (for two different grades)! "Stay gold, Ponyboy. Stay gold."