I have an original story that I have only gotten close friends to critique so far so I was hoping for an outside voice. (None of the picture or artwork on there belongs to me just sayin' that now, but I have been trying to draw my own art so I can replace them)
I'd be happy to take a look! I'm gonna write down the questions that I have, and I'll look for anything that I feel that you should work on. Yeah, just gonna warn you that I'm gonna be brutal when it comes to my critiquing this, if that's cool with you; that's what I would want if someone were critisizing something that I wrote.
Yeah, its fine. Critiques can hurt anyone but they're worth it
The start of the first paragraph looks promising, and draws the reader in. Why are the soldiers after this character? Other than the character’s clothing and hair, what are their other features? Where are they going?
“We’re chased by the humans all our existence, wanted for our blood and its special properties.” Try this instead. “We’ve been chased by humankind our entire existence, wanted for our blood and its special/rare properties.” Who's the ‘we’ referring to? What strange, special properties does their blood have?
“So far in all of our history, there has never once been a “good” human. Until my father. He was a human, and the only one we have ever trusted. He fell in love with my mother, and they had me and my mother died in process. My father was entrusted with me. The princess of the Sylph. A half breed. An outcast.”
This can be worded better. “There has never been a “good” human in all of our history; until my father, that is. He was the only one that we have ever trusted. My dad/father fell in love with my mother. When they had me my mother sadly died, so I was entrusted to my father./My mother tragically passed during my birth, so my care was reluctantly granted to my father, The Princess of the Sylph; a half breed and outcast.” There’s a few questions that I have for this. Who was the character’s father? Why is he considered to be the only “good human”? Why is/was he the only human that they’ve ever trusted? If the character’s dad was human, then perhaps their race/species should’ve struggled with deciding on who should take care of this character. Who are the Sylph? Again, elaborate on who they are. Why are half breeds frowned upon and considered outcasts.
Who’s Pan? I’m assuming one of the deities/entities/gods/whatever that these people worship. However you should answer this. So if there’s that many people, who’s next in line? How do they decide? I’m assuming that she’s often looked over do to her social standing, but you should probably make that clear. (That’s what I’d do, at least.) Why does she like being overlooked? Most people would find that frustrating, and be angry about it.
I would’ve kept the sentence before the quote/speaking part with the previous paragraph. Who’s Kalen? Try describing the colors of what he’s wearing as well. What’s his job?
So, later on you give what Kalen’s job is, and that’s good. I see that the picture of the dress has some very subtle light shades of blue in it. If that’s exactly what you were picturing for the dress, than you should include that in the description of it.
In the paragraph under the picture of Sir Ignatius’ outfit, you should start a new paragraph whenever someone is saying something. This even includes when someone is thinking something.
I think that you have a good thing going here, however the plot itself feels somewhat predictable, and somewhat bland, in my opinion. (Then again, I don’t care for reading romance novels/stories.) I personally think that you could go into describing some things more, such as the palace, and the areas around it. Play into the fact that people look down on half-breeds, use it more to further the plot, and lend some conflict to the story and the main character. Sam, Kalen, and Sir Ignatius are designed pretty nicely, and I love their clothing choices; they seem to match with each character’s personality. I went and suggested some changes on the document for you. I hope that this helps you out, and that you take some of the questions that I had into consideration. I apologize if I came off harsh with the critique.
Actually, you sound like me if I was to be critiquing a story and I try not to be harsh so, thank you very much. I want to get it to be a mix of genera so that it'll be a little bit of everything
Yor welcome, and it was a pleasure helping you out! If you feel that you could use my help again in the future, please don't hesitate to ask…. I have multiple wips that are multi-genere, so I know how hard it can be.