forum A short story, currently Untitled
Started by @Mojack group
tune

people_alt 39 followers

@Mojack group

I am looking for some light feedback on this. I thought this up so I wrote down this before I forgot it, so I apologize if it seems rushed.

The Story

When I was a child, there were these forests. They’re still around, but we don’t go in them anymore.

These forests were somewhere special. For me, as a child, it was my playground. Growing up in a place where there weren’t many people, these forests were my go-to area. At the time, they seemed safe enough. When I got older, my parents got better jobs, and soon, we were able to move to a better town. And there, I got friends. Real friends. I didn’t need to play make belief in those woods no more.

Oh. Make belief.

Going back to my childhood, I think when I was around 10 or 12, I came across symbols carved into the trees. I didn’t think much of them back then. But boy, do I now. The symbols seemed to be random locations. But their designs were consistent, although their size varied. To describe the design, they were like lines. Straight vertical lines with a single circle at the top, then at each sides of the circle, shapes like horns almost. Horns, pointing downwards. At the time, I just considered them unique. Cool. But eventually, based on the symbol, I thought of a ‘imaginary’ friend to play with.
It was tall. Unnaturally tall and skinny, but you rarely saw its full body. It had a crocodile like tail, but again, you almost never saw it. It had long, black claws, and wore a pitch black cloak over its body. But it had the head of a goat skull, and sometimes, in those black pits for eyes, you could see white pupils.
I..don’t know what child me was thinking. I named the creature Ghost. Original, I know. Ghost was a shy creature. It was like me, it didn’t know how to interact with people. Which is why we were perfect. When we moved, I left it all at the forest. All of it. And I forgot, until now.
Now.

Now, I was an adult. My current situation was a bit iffy. My relations with my family..also iffy. I decided to return to my original home. I had planned to visit the house, but it turns out it was apparently burnt down in a fire. I returned to the ruins anyways, and I suppose if anything was left, it was taken down. I saw the woods, childhood memories coming back. I decided to visit them, before I left.

I traveled through the woods for what felt like minutes, drifting into my thoughts. Until I came across the symbols, carved into rotting wood.

Rotting?

I approached, lifting my hand and guiding it towards the wood. The trees looked healthy when I was a kid. How could this happen so fast?

A cold whisper. “You left us.” Left us. Left us.

I spun around, my eyesight blurred for some odd reason. But once it cleared, I saw a black silhouette, leaned over in the distance. I squinted for a moment, then prepared my gun, not yet aiming it. It could be just a bear. But the texture was not fur.
Silence was in the air. You could hear a needle drop. The leaves crackled as the shape grew taller as the person stood up. But it was no bear. Or human being, for that matter. The thing - it towered above me, I could tell. I dread to see it up close and personal.

You know in horror movies, where someone hears a noise, walks towards it, then calls out, as if the killer would answer? That’s what I’m about to do.

“Hello?” My voice echoed out beyond. The figure stood, slightly moving. Or perhaps it was just the wind. But then, the creature turned around, revealing a face I could never forget. It was no face. It was a skull. Even if it did not have eyes, it still stared at me. We were stuck in a starting contest, it and I. But this wasn’t a friendly contest. Something told me not to run away. Something told me to wait.

I realized it held something in its bony claws. A stake. The stake seemed to have this dark staining on it. Whether it was blood or charcoal, I wouldn’t figure out. It could be either or.

“Is this a prank?” I asked, but my voice wavered.

The creature tilted its head. “We are real.” Real. Real.

“Why did you come back?” Return, come back? “It makes no sense to us, but we take pleasure in that.” Thank you. Thank you.

“I returned because I was hoping to see home again. Apparently, I can’t do that anymore, though.”

“Home?” Home, home. The creature asked. I was a bit off put by the voices that seemed to whisper after it.

Before I could answer, it spoke. “Yes, we remember it.” Remember it all, yes, we do.

It was a bit awkward right now. But the creature just watched. “Uhh..so what do you want?”

Does he not remember us? Remember? “We remember you. You left us.” Left us. Left us.

“I don’t understand.”

“You brought us here. To this world.” This world. “But one day, you left. With no warning.” No warning.

“I..” I thought. Then recalled. “Ghost?”

“The name. Ghost.” Name. Ghost. “You gave us that name.” Given. Receive. “Yet you forgot us all. Shame.” Shame. Shame. The whispers continued to chant the same words.

Rain dropped from the grey clouds above I had just noticed. I looked up for a moment as the creature took a step forwards. Another hand grasped the sharp edge of the stake. I looked towards it, feeling my heartbeat quicken. I had a feeling pulling at me. Letting me know, that something bad was going to happen.

“W-Wait.” I lowered myself. The creature stopped in its approach, head tilted. Wait. Wait.

“Are you angry? I need to..know.”

The creature opened its mouth, but no sound escaped. Instead, it closed it, and continued to speak like before. “We are disappointed. But,” Decision, decision.
“We forgive.” Forgiven, forgive.

I did not relax quite yet as it continued on.

“However,” the creature seemed to retreat into the shadows. All I saw were the white, glowing pupils. “We do not forget.”

After that, the creature faded off. I stood there, unmoving, until I suddenly ran off, back to my own car. I wanted home, as soon as possible. So that’s where I went.

I did not notice the tall figure in my mirror, standing, watching me leave.

Goodbye.

Bestest_boi

Instead this should be written in a diary format and the whispers should be either seprate from main dialogue or italicized while remaining inside the dialogue. If the diary format doesn’t fit try writting in 3rd person to maintain that mystery esc while making the story make more sense. Though the tension does build up it also flattens once they just stand there ‘awkwardly’ giving it a slight unrealistic feel tobit that pulls the reader away. The whispers do the same but that could be easily fixed by the stated above. It’s also confusing as to who the protagonist is talking to in the beginning and wether or not they continue talking to that person. The creatures ironically seem unrealistic and its motives seem shifting and unclear though you did say it was rushed so that’s understandable. The prompt is pretty ok and it’s obvious the route you were trying to take so keep writing and just work on a few things. Besides that its all in all pretty ok.