This is my first critique ever (yay), so I don't know if it'll be very good but here goes nothing
So, I really need you to not get upset by what I'm going to say now, but it's not good.
It's not BAD either, and I honestly think there is a lot of great potential in this, but everything feels so…Flat?
Ok, I'm gonna make a really stupid comparison now, but please stick with me.
Imagine this scene is a sausage. Now, one of the reasons I don't like sausages very much is because you make them by stuffing loads of meat and spices into animal intestines, which is honestly quite disgusting but that's not the point I'm trying to make. As of right now, your story is a tiny sausage, like the ones we put in hot dogs. It's still a sausage, you can still notice the spices and flavours, but it's very faint and goes away quickly because it's a scrawny sausage, and you finish it in a single bite without having the time to really enjoy it.
Everything in your scene happens very fast. They are in the car, not really talking (which is weird because if they're going to hang out after work I assume they are at least friends), and then, in what feels like a second later, a car comes from nowhere and there are a million people with them now and who the fuck is Jonas and what's going on? It all happens SO FAST, and the readers don't get the time to assimilate anything, and honestly? Neither do your characters. There is almost no emotion, and the ones that are there feel shallow and disingenuous. Why does Jamie have a faraway look in their eyes? You seem to imply they are hiding something, or maybe that they have some sort of trauma linked to car accidents, but because until now the only thing they've done is driving for Faith and screaming her name like they are Finn in The Rise of Skywalker (sorry about that). You don't give your readers or your characters the time they need to actually feel immersed in what's happening. Your sentences are too short and everything is simultaneously dull and ridiculously fast. It doesn't feel like an actual scene, and that's because it isn't.
I don't want you to read what I wrote and think "the story is bad and I should start over because this random girl on the internet said it's unsalvageable", because that's not what I think AT ALL. What you have now is the skeleton of a scene, a solid, but thin, sausage that could actually become something delicious, and you should think of it as that. It doesn't suck because it's not finished yet. You have the bulk of the story, now all you have to do is add to it. Stuff more meat inside that disgusting animal intestine of yours and transform that sad sausage into a fat, tasty, giant german bratwurst! But not too much, or else the intestines will explode and you'll be covered in smelly, crappy pork meat. Or in other words, your story will get excruciatingly boring. (Ok, I'll stop with the sausages now, but I think you understand where I was going with that terrible metaphor)
Take a look at what you wrote. Like I said, it's a pretty decent outline. You start with Jamie and Faith leaving the convenience store after what must have been an exhausting shift. Have them talk while walking to the car, it doesn't have to be anything special, but having these two interact in some way makes they feel like real people who genuinely like each other. They can talk about their friends from school, or some event that is relevant to the story. Heck, they could even discuss astrophysics if it fits their characters! The possibilities are endless, but if you don't show me that these two truly care about each other, then I'm not gonna care about them either.
Ok, so we get to the car. Now what?
Well…They keep talking! Or not, if you don't want to! Just keep the scene going so when it's time for the accident, we are so involved in what's going inside the vehicle that when that other car comes, we are actually surprised by it. In the original, so little attention is given to what's actually happening in the moment, that we know from the start something terrible is gonna happen, oh no. Even the most trivial parts of a story need to be treated as important, because those are the moments that make us CARE. No one is gonna give a flying fuck about to randoms who get hit by a car in a book, unless you make them. Your characters seem really interesting. Use them. Show their personality. Don't want to write more dialogue? Then don't. Have Faith describe her surroundings or reminisce on a moment this particular situation reminds her of. Make her think about Jamie. Is there something wrong with them? Is she glad to have a friend she can hang out with after a dull day? The choice is yours.
Now, there are still a couple of things about the car scene I want to discuss, so I'm gonna put on my Jenny Nicholson hat and make a
✨NUMBERED LIST✨
1- ✨"I turned on the radio and a Gorillaz song started to play."✨
Don't do that.
Do you know what that makes me think of?
My Immortal.
Do you know what's the last thing you want your readers to think of when they read your story?
My Immortal.
(Unless your story is meant to be a purposefully shitty Harry Potter Fanfiction. In that case you DEFINITELY want your readers to think of My Immortal)
Now, I'm not implying in any way that your writing is the same as that of the brilliant Tara Gilesbie, or that any of your characters remind me of the ICONIC Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. My Immortal is universally regarded as the worst piece of literature ever written, and even if I thought your story was bad, which we have already established I don't, I would never say it's My Immortal, so why even bring that up? Well, not only the exact phrasing of your sentence has been forever ruined by the aforementioned Fanfic, but this kind of reference is problematic even despite My Immortal, especially in regards to music. Saying that a vague Gorilaz song came on the radio doesn't add to the story in any way, and by doing that you lose an opportunity to make this reference much better. Instead of just mentioning it, you could describe it. Is it an upbeat song? Is it a sad song? Describe how the beat of the song helps set the atmosphere. You don't even have to say what song it is. Sometimes it's better not to. I don't know any Gorilaz songs (but that's probably because I only listen to the same 3 Florence+The Machine songs on repeat, them being pretty famous group and all) but if you describe it, then I don't need to. And I guarantee you very few people will look up a song or band you mentioned in your story just so they know the tone you were trying to set.
But if you REALLY want to name a song there are many cool ways to do it. You could make one of them say they love the song and start singing it, or maybe the song is tied to an important memory.
References can be cool, but don't overuse them. Choose to focus on the ones that say something about a character or setting, and remember that too many of them can make your story dated or cringy. Also, be aware that not everyone will understand your references, so either don't make them too important or take the time to explain them.
For example, I just made 2 references, one to Jenny Nicholson and the other to My Immortal, without having any evidence that you have any idea what these are, but you can still (hopefully) understand it. The Jenny Nicholson one wasn't important, but you have enough information to assume she is someone who likes ✨NUMBERED LISTS✨, and I decided to take my time to explain what My Immortal is, even though it is something that is widely known (also, if you have never heard of MI before, I highly recommend the Internet's Historian video about it. It's glorious).
2 (fucking FINALLY)- ✨"They switched lanes."✨
Ok, let's talk about Jamie.
The quote I put as the title of number 2 is from the moment right after Faith tells them to go to the gas station. Now, that isn't a problem is it? Well, it wouldn't be if this wasn't their only response to Faith's suggestion and literally the last thing they said before being YEETED INTO OBLIVION BY A GODDAMN CAR.
Faith told them to go and they WENT. Switched lanes and said nothing like a fucking psycho. I know they are tired and all, but you can't just give them so little screen (well, page) time and then use their ominous stare, which came completely out of nowhere by the way, as "hook" for the next chapter. They end up feeling like Faith's personal robot driver, whose only purpose of being there is to follow Faith around and never do anything, which I know isn't the true because I have their profile open in another tab and they seem to have a lot of personality. That quote on the notes section about gender/sexuality? Fucking hilarious. I don't know if it was you who wrote that or if it's a meme, but just the fact you chose to give this quote to Jamie already says a lot about them, and I wish I'd seen it in the actual story.
3- ✨I don't have a quote for this one.✨
It's too small.
The whole car section was supposed to be one of the most important of the whole scene, but it only lasts…Nothing? It's mostly just dialogue. I won't say much more because I already talked enough about it, but if you want to make this good you really need to take your time with the scenes. Add a little bit of feeling, personality, a little bit of yourself. This is the main problem with this whole snippet, and if you can fix that, I really think that something special can come out of this. I don't believe that this is the story you have in your head, but I also know that writing is hard. So. Fucking. Hard.
And then there is the crash.
The problems in here are the same. Too fast, too small, too much telling and not enough showing. And again, this is really hard to do, and I can't even offer you good advice on that because, well, I'm not a writer, but I guess you knew that by the endless rambling and the terrible, terrible, sausage metaphor, but there are a lot of places on the internet where you can find genuinely good advice for free. I guess taking a look at some of your favourite stories could help. How does the writer describe things? What do these descriptions make me feel and why. I'm not saying you should copy the style of other authors (seriously, don't do that), but this could make you realize what you do and don't like to see in writing, and eventually help you decide how YOU want to write.
And finally, the ending.
You asked for suggestions on how to end this snippet. Well… Make it longer!
I honestly think it would be easier and better to have Faith pass out after the crash. You skip a lot of things that would be super difficult to write, and by having her wake up at the hospital you would get a much better and less chaotic environment to introduce Conner and Jonas.
But that's only a suggestion, like everything on this clusterfuck of a critique.
In short, write more, show not tell, avoid My Immortal, and stuff that goddamn animal intestines until you are satisfied with the results.
I'll be here if you need anything,
-_Claire, the rambling non-writer ✨
