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So here's chapter one. I was wondering if you guys could critique it, and tell me honestly if you would read the next chapter if this were a published novel? ALSO I know I posted this in another discussion, but I really need all of the critique that I can get, so…. sorry for spamming…
“Where am I?” She asked. That’s all Alex could think to say. After all that happened, so many questions filled her brain, and it seemed like it had shut down. She hadn’t spoken for the past few hours, and she was still trembling, the movement causing the heavy chains wrapped around her wrist to clink.
“It’s best if you don’t ask questions right now,” the man answered from the other side of the room replied. A tear slid down Alex’s cheek. It surprised her a bit. She had cried so much, she wasn’t sure if it was possible for her eyes to produce any more tears. She let the liquid run down the side of her face, where it seeped through the corner of her mouth and onto her tongue.
“Try to get some sleep,” a woman said, who had been sitting next to the unfamiliar man.
But Alex couldn’t sleep, and she wasn’t sure if she would ever be able to. Every time she dared to close her eyes, the images of what had happened would play in her mind, over and over again. She could hear the screams again, and they were deafening. Alex would cover her ears, and shake so much that the chains would go from a soft, frequent clinking to a loud and violent rattling.
Oh god, she thought. This isn’t real. This can’t be real. Please, let me go back. I want to get out of here, please…
Alex was perfectly happy with the way it used to be. When she was happy, surrounded by friends and family. So she closed her eyes, and she remembered.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Alexandria Labelle!” Her mother yelled from the kitchen. Alex groaned and rolled over, checking the time on her alarm clock. It read 7:45 AM. Her limbs felt heavy, and her mind was still foggy with sleep. Her speech was slightly slurred and weak when she responded.
“Mom, it’s not even 8 O’Clock in the morning, why are you waking me up so early?” She yelled back. Alex waited a few moments for a response, but got none. That meant that there was no use in arguing. With a sigh, Alex through the duvet off and sat up, yawning.
That’s when her noisy sister Julia busted into her room, without knocking of course. The thirteen-year-old sported an annoyed expression, and there were dark circles under her eyes. Alex could tell she had stayed up late last night.
“Get up, loser. Daniel and Samara are here,” she said. Alex smiled a bit and swung her legs over the side of the bed.
“I’m guessing mom invited them over for an early breakfast when she found out they were coming to pick me up today? And my friends, being the polite, considerate, jerks they are, said yes?”
“Spot on, nerd,” Julia said with a laugh. She leaned against the doorframe and crossed her arms. “So are you going to get ready, or are you going to sit on your lazy ass all day?”
“You’ve got to stop throwing insults at me like that. It really hurts my feelings, you know,” Alex said sarcastically. She smiled and stood up, walking to her closet to get changed while her sister chuckled in the doorway.
“Mom expects you out there in five minutes. Which really means you better be ready in two,” she said. Alex nodded.
“Okay, go get Valentina up then. I’ll be out soon.”
Alex was still smiling after her sister closed the door behind her. She might not have the closest relationship with her parents, but her siblings were everything to her. Even when some of them did the dumbest things (she had to pick her 15 year old brother up from the police station once after he had been caught drinking), she always made sure to protect them and spend as much time as she could with them. For the past few weeks, she had been trying to keep them as close as she could. She’d be turning 18 in a week, and leaving for college in a month.
However, she decided that it might’ve been time to take a break from her family, just for one day. Alex was thrilled when her friends, Daniel and Samara, offered to take her out for sushi and stop by the mall.
She took a deep breath, and threw on a hoodie and some faded jeans. Looking in the mirror, she smoothed her hair down and stared into her own green eyes through her reflection. Alex looked how she always looked: completely exhausted. Her face was pale, and there were faint but noticeable dark circles under her eyes. Her lips were a little bit chapped, and she remained unsmiling.
Shaking her head and sighing, she forced herself to put a convincing smile on, despite how broken she felt from the stress of not being able to stop thinking about college, and how she was about to be completely alone in the world.
“Come on Alexandria,” she said, stretching her legs by touching her toes. “Do it for your sisters and brother. Be happy.”
And with that, she walked out into the living room, where her friends and family waited with the same smiles on their faces. Sometimes she wondered if those were fake, just like hers was.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The door opened, and Alex flinched, causing the chains to rattle. The man who had captured her stepped in, dressed in a suit and tie. His crystal blue eyes seemed to glow in the darkness, like a cat’s.
“Alexandria-”
“Don’t call me that,” She snapped, fists clenching. The man cleared his throat.
“Alex… you haven’t slept, eaten, or drank anything in the past 38 hours. You’re going to have to cooperate, or you’ll die,” he explained in a soft and kind tone. Although he was tall, he had the voice of a teenage boy. Alex looked up at him. She was still trembling, and the chains were still clinking.
“Dying doesn’t sound like too bad of an option right now,” she said with a sad laugh. Her voice was raspy, and her lips sticking together when they touched made the words hard to get out.
“We need you alive. And if you don’t cooperate, we will use force.” His tone had turned slightly harsh. Alex was so confused. Why did they need her alive? What was the point? Why was she here? What were they going to do to her? What had they done to her family?
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“No, Victor, you can’t come with. I’m too afraid you’re going to sneak something like a paintball gun in the car and shoot pedestrians,” Alex explained, trying her hardest not to smile. Victor laughed, his dark brown curls falling in front of his eyes.
“I would never do that,” he said. “And besides, there’s no way I’d be able to sneak a fucking–”
“Language,” Alex warned,
“A… fracking paintball gun into your car. You’d know. I can’t really hide it.”
“Yeah, well you know what I mean. You’re too immature to go out without mom and dad.” Victor pouted, then dropped to his knees and looked up at her, making puppy dog eyes and putting his hands together. Alex just rolled her eyes and turned around to get in the passenger seat of the car.
“And I’m not sure I can trust that Daniel won’t encourage you do stupid things.”
“You wound me!” Daniel said with a gasp, his hands flying up to his chest. Alex suppressed a laugh, but couldn’t help the smile that took over her expression. Daniel smiled back and turned the key in the ignition.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
“Shouldn’t your parent’s be here by now?” Daniel questioned, looking concerned. Alex just nodded, shivering as a gust of cold wind rushed over her skin. They were both stuck in the empty mall parking lot, freezing cold and exhausted.
“Yeah, they should’ve been here two hours ago, actually,” she said, slightly worried. The night was eerily quiet. There were no cars around, which was strange for a Saturday night. It was also cold. Way too cold for the beginning of July, even if it was nighttime. Alex could see her breath in front of her.
“Is it just me, or is this a little weird?” She asked, turning toward Daniel. His brow was furrowed, and he nodded. Alex rubbed her arms and leaned against him, trying to keep warm in a thin hoodie and jeans. A strong gust of wind made her stumble a bit, and she cursed.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to just drive you home?” He asked, putting an arm around her. Alex tensed a bit, and one of her hands flew to her hair, where she fiddled with the ends. A couple of hours ago, her parents had called her saying that they were on their way to pick her up immediately, and that she needed to wait in the parking lot for them. They wouldn’t have done that if something important hadn’t happened.
“Yeah, maybe. They might’ve broken down though, so drive slowly just in case we pass them on the way home.” Daniel nodded, and they made their way toward his car quickly, where Samara had been waiting for them. Alex could see her blood red lipstick from yards away. Her tan face was illuminated by the blue light from her cell phone. Soft music drifted from the car, and Samara swayed slowly to it, like she always does when there’s music playing. Even if there isn’t any music playing, she’ll be nodding her head or swaying, seeming to dance to the sound of her own heartbeat. Alex admired that.
They arrived at the car doors, and Samara looked up from her phone. “Finally, you guys are here. I’ve been waiting for two hours,” she complained, turning her music down slightly. Alex rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, so have we. We’re not too happy about it either,” she responded, climbing into the back seat of the car. Daniel got in the front and started the car, but didn’t pull out of the parking lot right away. Instead, he sat with the car in drive and listened to the engine hum. The two girls didn’t even question it. It happens sometimes, when he’s confused or upset. He’ll sit somewhere and listen to a noise that’s quiet and consistent, just to get himself together before he speaks.
Moments passed before he finally did.
“Does something seem… off?” He asked, his voice quiet and hesitant. The girls stayed quiet, not wanting to answer that question, because something did seem off. The town was dark and way too quiet. It was as if time had stopped, and the three teenagers were left stranded in an unfamiliar abyss.
Even though nobody had answered, Daniel took in a deep breath and left the parking lot. Alex stared out the window, focusing on searching for her parents or their car stranded on the side of the rode, and Samara put her earbuds in. They both wanted to avoid the tension that hung in the air like thick fog.
After about ten minutes of uncomfortable silence, they began to hear noises in the distance. It sounded as if there were many people arguing. Shouts echoed through the air. It grabbed the attention of the three teenagers.
“Is that coming from my house?” Alex asked, worry in her voice.
“I don’t know, maybe. We’ll be there soon,” Daniel said, trying to comfort her. He put a bit more pressure on the gas pedal, and the car sped up.
“Drive faster,” Alex demanded, leaning forward to see out of the windshield better. Daniel glanced at her, his brow furrowed. The speed of his driving didn’t change.
“Alex, I’m already going 65-”
“I said drive faster.” She didn’t even look at him. Her gaze was focused, and her tone was almost venomous. Daniel tensed, and he went over the speed limit, but only slightly. He didn’t want to break the law, but the look on Alex’s face scared him. He hardly ever sees her like that– stone cold and unyielding– but he knew that it meant she was terrified.
The shouting was getting closer by the second, and the turn for Alex’s street was coming up. Daniel eased the pressure on the pedal so that he wouldn’t roll the car when he turned. His grip tightened on the wheel when he started to hear screaming.
Something was definitely off.
Daniel turned his blinker on and slowed the car. Time seemed to slow with it, like they had entered some sort of alternate reality, where seconds passed slowly and lazily. Alex’s heart rate slowed and she took a deep, focused breath. She felt electricity surge through the air, shooting through her bones and concentrating at her core. Alex held her breath for time, letting the noise from the outside world fade away until all she could hear was her own heartbeat, and the sound of blood rushing through her body. She finally let her breath out.
A blinding flash followed, and Alex felt like her very existence was being torn to shreds. Everything in her was screaming in pain as agony laced through her, touching every area of her physical self and causing pain in places that she didn’t know could feel pain.
It was over before she could get a grasp on what was happening, and she was back in reality, staring up at the stars and gasping for air. Her mouth was dry, and her skin glistened with sweat as she tried to collect herself.
With a strangled cry, she pulled herself to her feet and took in her surroundings. Alex was no longer in Daniel’s car. She was in front of her house, standing on a lawn that was slick with fresh blood. The world was silent and unmoving. There hundreds of people surrounded her, but none of them were moving. They were perfectly frozen. Some of them were in fighting stances, others on the verge of collapse, but most were slashing each other with swords, leaving thick sheets of blood hanging in mid air.
Alex felt pressure building in her head, and she laughed softly. “This isn’t real,” she said, letting herself smile. Her hand reached out to touch the blood in the air. It collapsed onto her hand, flowing quickly and beautifully down her arm, like a stream. She laughed again. “I’m dreaming. I must’ve fallen asleep in the car, or at the mall.” More pressure built up, and her throat began to tighten. Alex turned toward the road, seeing car parts strewn across the asphalt, and more red liquid to go with it. A teenage boy with blonde hair was splayed out on the street. His limbs didn’t look like they should. They were all twisted out of place and bent at angles that they’re not supposed to bend at. Alex laughed again.
But then, the pressure became too much, and hot tears streamed down Alex’s face. Her knees went weak, and she fell to the grass. Everything was so wrong, and out of place, and it couldn’t be real. None of it could’ve been real. “This isn’t happening,” she told herself, hands finding their way into her hair and tugging hard. “Time does not stop. Blood does not float. Shit like this doesn’t fucking happen, wake up Alexandria!”
She heard voices behind her just then. A man’s, and then a woman’s.
“I found her. Oh shit, Aria she’s awake already,” he said.
“It’s okay, I’ve got something that will put her to sleep until we can get somewhere safe,” the woman responded. Footsteps approached quickly.
Alex didn’t know what to do. She just tugged at her hair, and mumbled the sames words over and over again. “This isn’t real. This isn’t real,” she said. She felt broken, exhausted, and confused. So when the two people arrived by her side, she didn’t move. When a prick of pain blossomed at the back of her neck, she didn’t flinch. And when a young man with cloud white hair and crystal blue eyes lifted her up into his arms, she didn’t protest. She just let it all happen, and accepted the darkness that began to wash over her, causing her to slip into unconsciousness.
(Thank you for taking the time to read this :3)