forum what you think

Started June 11, 2019 by @Deblan

tune

I'm writing a story what do you think about the first chapter?

Chapter one. The last Crystal
“Stop thief!” Stam ran with the bread in his hands as the butcher ran after him. “Catch me if you can!” Stam ran towards the gates to the castle. When he was their he turned around and the butcher was right behind him. “HAH! I got you know little brat!” the guards raised their Spears and Stam smiled. “No one calls the prince a Brat!” said Mike the guard on the left, The butcher frowned “wait he- he’s the prince?” the guards advanced but Stam held his hand up “forget it guys I was only having fun” said Stam. He threw the bread to the butcher make sure to give that to someone who needs it.” The Butcher frowned angrily and walked away, and then Mike said “you really should stop doing that if your father found out…” Stam smiled “Oh stop your worrying, he won’t-” suddenly the war horn sounded “Get inside quick!” Stam ran inside the castle and went the war chambers he quietly hid behind a curtain since he was never aloud at any councils. His father and many other people walked in “its suicide! We aren’t even half of their army! And only your son has crystal power we should evacuate the kingdom!” then his father answered “No! We go down fighting, go get Stam.” Danget this had to happen now. “What are you going to do?” asked one of his councillors “I will send him to Marki City with two guards he will be safe there… I hope.” Luckily Stam hadn’t decided to show himself no way would he leave now. Then a scout burst in “Sire their here!” everyone quickly left the room. Stam ran to the window and couldn’t believe what he saw, an army bigger then he thought was marching to the kingdom, and to imagine that, that was only half of they Live kingdoms army. Stam quickly grabbed a sword and ran outside he would go down fighting plus his Crystal power would help a lot. When he was outside the battle had already started before he could join everyone else two of the soldiers ran at him. He used his crystal power to throw them at the army. But when he saw what was happening he knew no matter how hard they tried they would fail unless… Stam ran inside the castle and started climbing the stairs to the top of the tower. Once he got their he opened the attic door and climbed on the roof. He tried to get all his power together. His father told him he had immense power and needed to learn to control it. Once he got it all in check it was too hard to control. He had underestimated his power. Then the spot in front of him exploded. He didn’t know how he survived the explosion or the fall, but all he remembered was every person in the kingdom every live soldier had been killed by his explosion.

A couple things:

1. Right now, your chapter is just one giant paragraph, which isn't correct formatting. For dialogue, you're supposed to start a new paragraph every time a new character speaks. You should also start a new paragraph every time a new idea is introduced or the focus is shifted to another person/thing. This article has some pretty good guidelines.
2. It's a little short for an entire chapter. Stories can have short chapters, but I think yours could benefit from being a little longer. It moved really quickly, and one thing that I think could help slow it down a little is if you took some time to describe the setting or the characters. You have a couple adjectives thrown in there, but it's not enough for the reader to really have a vivid image in their mind.
3. This sort of ties in with the above point but the Crystal Power is mentioned a couple times, but it's never really explained. You don't need to explain it in really extensive detail, but a little bit of extra info might be good.
4. There's a couple of spelling and grammar errors. I don't have time to point them all out but here's a couple

   “HAH! I got you know little brat!”
   should be "now" instead of "know."
   “Sire their here!”
   Should be "they're"
   "an army bigger then he thought was marching to the kingdom"
   Should be "than"
   "Once he got their he opened the attic door"
   Should be there

5. "The Butcher frowned angrily"- There's a lot of people out there who will tell you to never use adverbs ever. I disagree, but I think in this case the "angrily" can be dropped. It's not like there's many other ways you can frown.

Overall though, this definitely seems like a really intriguing start to a story. Keep it up :)

thanks for the tips I deffinatly needed them!

what about now?

“Stop thief!”                                                                                                                                                                        Stam ran with the bread in his hands he ran through the Town of the Crystal kingdom. The butcher ran after him.      “Catch me if you can!”                                                                                                                                                         Stam ran towards the gates to the Crystal kingdom, He knew The butcher would expect to catch him but Stam had a few tricks up his sleeve. When he was there, he turned around, and the butcher was right behind him.                    “HAH! I got you now little brat!”                                                                                                                                        the guards raised their Spears and Stam smiled. “No one calls the prince a Brat!” said Mike  the guard on the left,      The butcher frowned “wait he- he’s the prince?”                                                                                                              the guards advanced but Stam held his hand up “forget it guys I was only having fun” said Stam.                              He threw the bread to the butcher “give that to someone who needs it.”                                                                        The Butcher frowned and walked away, and then Mike said “you should stop doing that if your father found out…”    Stam smiled “Oh stop your worrying, he won’t-”
suddenly the war horn sounded “Get inside quick!”                                     
Stam ran inside the castle and went the war chambers, when he got in he quietly hid behind a curtain since he wasn’t ever allowed at any councils. His father and many other people walked in “it's suicide! We aren’t even half of their army! And only your son has crystal power we should evacuate the kingdom!”                                                      then his father answered “No! We go down fighting, go get Stam.”                                                                                Danget this had to happen now. “What are you going to do?” asked one of his Councillors                                          “I will send him to Marki City with two guards he will be safe there… I hope.”                                                                   Luckily Stam hadn’t showed himself no way would leave the kingdom now. Then a scout burst in “Sire they're here!” everyone quickly left the room. Stam ran to the window and couldn’t believe what he saw, an army bigger than he thought was marching to the kingdom, and to imagine that, that was  only half of they Live kingdoms army. Stam quickly grabbed a sword and ran outside he would go down fighting plus his Crystal power would help a lot. When he was outside the battle had already started before he could join everyone else two of the soldiers ran at him. He used his crystal power to throw them at the army. But when he saw what was happening, he knew no matter how hard they tried they would fail unless… Stam ran inside the castle and climbed the stairs to the top of the tower. Once he got there, he opened the attic door and climbed on the roof. He tried to get all his power together. His father told him he had immense power and needed to learn to control it. Once he got it all in check, it was too hard to control. He had underestimated his power. Then the spot in front of him exploded. He didn’t know how he survived the explosion or the fall, but all he remembered was every person in the kingdom every live soldier had been killed by his explosion.

uh that came out wierd

Yeah that looks a lot better! It was showing up a little weirdly on my phone, but it doesn't look too bad now that I'm on my laptop.

thanks