forum Please post scenes for me to critque!

Started February 21, 2018 by @WriteOutofTime

tune

Rules: Can't be super long, no erotica/sex scenes. I'll try my best to give you good advice!

Do you need practice editing? (There seem to be a lot of people in need of that here….I guess I'm confused a little?)

'Not really. Just thought some people might want feedback.

How long is ¨Super long¨

If it takes like more than ten or so minutes to read I guess?? idk just post whatever if its too long i'll suck it up lol

I`ve never thought of myself as suicidal, but falling to my death down a seemingly infinite pit I guess there’s a first time for everything. But, let’s stop for a second

My name is Cera Abbey Strander I am fifteen years old, me and my siblings Kim and Thomas ran away from home. Why? Kim had this idea about a pit right out of town that would lead to a better place she said she`d been there before, she planned for the two of us to run away to the pit and jump in. we snuck out at midnight but Thomas must've been listening in on our plans or something, he followed us. Unlike Kim and me, he wasn’t adopted; Rhia and Thomas senior were his biological parents. Kim and I were adopted from the same children’s home in Florida.

When we got to the pit, Kim had pushed us in. yeah, I guess homocide is more fitting. but if we stayed behind then we probably would have been arrested she had already attacked the police. Still why did I let her talk us into this? Wind forced tears out of my eyes, its too late for regrets, I let this happen. A world opened up before us.We were right above a lake; Thomas fell below me screaming his head off, well so was I. I hit the water hard, so hard my vision went black temporarily; when I recovered, I swam as hard as I could to the surface. Thomas was already wading on the water by the time I burst out of the water gasping for air, so was Kim

“That’s not fair!” Thomas was yelling, “I want to go home!”

Kim pushed her wavy auburn hair out of her face “well that’s what you get for following us!” I decided not to bring up my hasty assumption that Kim left us for dead.

“Where are we?” I asked taking in the scenery,

“We made it!” Kim exclaimed, “I told you this place was real!” Thomas wiped his eyes

“I thought we were gonna die” Thomas whined, “You didn’t have to push us” I felt my wrist for my hair band paying hardly any attention to their conversation

“You two were taking too long!” Kim growled, “If it weren’t for me you would’ve been shot!” I put my hair into a loose ponytail then decided to speak up

“Seriously though,” I said “they wouldn’t have been trying to shoot us if you hadn’t blown up their patrol cars, where’d you even get those pipe bombs?”

As usual, all eyes were on Kim, she shrugged “I made them” Thomas and I stared at her amazed “it wasn’t that hard” she reached to her back for her bag “I still have some” after a few seconds of silence “I lost my bag” she confessed

“What?” I almost sunk into the water at the surprise “we had all our stuff in that bag!”

Thomas looked like he was about to cry, “What do we do?” he whined “I don’t wanna die!”

“Were not going to die you crybaby” Kim said “lets just hurry up and get to shore, we`ll figure everything out there”

There wasn’t much to figure out except how we were going to get food and water the water we were in was probably fresh but I didn’t feel like taking a chance who knows this place may have a completely different set of rules about that. We swam to shore, honestly I hated swimming every now and I’d go back up to the surface and wade for a while, Kim and Thomas on the other hand; their heads popped up every now and then. I swear those two are half fish, I made a mental note that I didn’t see any fish on the way to shore.

When we reached the shore we climbed out onto the grass, it seemed normal enough

“Wow” Thomas rolled onto his back “I'm tired” Kim and I took in our surroundings; the sun was bright in the middle of the sky, we were deep in a forest, mountains could be seen in the distance but beyond that, who knew it could be hell for all we knew

“You think that water is safe to drink?” I asked Kim

“Well only one way to find out” she crawled back to the water “if it is, we should make camp here scout for food before sundown”

“Wait!” Thomas and I shouted in unison but Kim didn’t care she lowered her face to the water and cupped some in her hands bringing it the rest of the way to her mouth. We waited in silence staring at Kim`s back

“It’s good” Kim stood up and turned to look down at us “it tastes like Dasani”

“Yeah!” Thomas crawled back to the water I stared at Kim; she looked at me and grinned then fell backwards into the water.
“KIM!” I screamed “THOMAS DON’T DRINK THE WATER!” Thomas dove into the water after her; I forgot how deep that water was what if he can’t get to her in time

Thomas burst out of the water with Kim in arm, he pushed her onto shore, I scrambled over to them “was it poison?” Thomas asked climbing out of the water

“I don’t know!” I admitted, she was unconscious I laid my head on her chest frantically searching for a heartbeat I found one, though very faint “I’ve never seen this on TV before!”

“Didn’t we bring any normal water?” Thomas looked around frantically for a bag “did we bring anything?”

“Everything we brought was in the bag, which is in the lake!” I demanded

“Lemme look!” Thomas jumped back into the water. I started pumping Kim`s chest, her favorite orange and green striped sweater seemed so much darker, as if it was bloody, but it wasn’t. I pressed harder id never learned to do CPR before, wasn’t there a song beat you were supposed to press to? Suddenly she started coughing,

Yes! That`s what happens when their better right? Blood spilled out of her mouth and nose, No! No! no! I pressed my mouth against hers and started blowing; I got a mouthful of blood eww gross! I spit the stuff out and started coughing fell next to her

Thomas burst out of the water “what happened? I couldn’t find the bag!” he saw all the blood “whats going on?”

I sat up “I don’t know what to do! This isn’t normal!”

“What did you think would happen?” Thomas yelled, “we shouldn’t have come here! Now we’re all gonna die!”

I wanted to punch him, that idiot he was right we shouldn’t have come I had a feeling it would be suicide, something about the way Kim pitched the idea gave me that vibe, it would be the end of us. we shouldn’t have let Thomas come fourteen years old killed by who knows what . It’s not as if Kim and I were any better at fifteen but still, this was our fault, no this was my fault I could have stopped her. Therefore, whatever happens next is on my head.

It loomed over us, I don’t know if it snuck up on us or fell from the sky, but one second there was nothing the next there it was, it wore a black cloak and a hood over its head, it stood at about six feet tall, there was a sword hilt sticking out of the back its cloak

Then it removed the hood, a man his red eyes flashed, and he had a long mane of black hair,

“Hello” his voice was calm “I assume your friend here drunk the water” before Thomas or I could respond, he continued “trust me or not, but the more time we waste, the closer your friend gets to and excruciating death” I nodded

“What do we do?” my voice sounded pathetic

“You watch” and at that, he went to work.

Yay! More to critique!!

Okay, first thing I notice are grammatical issues, and they're pretty hard to overlook, even for a first draft. You seem kinda hesitant to use periods, for some reason. Periods end sentences. If you finish a thought, stop there and put a period. You also have a lot of run ons, which is probably just a byproduct of the lack of proper punctuation. Here, I'll edit a segment of your righting with most of the issues I've listed:

Your version: I wanted to punch him, that idiot he was right we shouldn’t have come I had a feeling it would be suicide, something about the way Kim pitched the idea gave me that vibe, it would be the end of us. we shouldn’t have let Thomas come fourteen years old killed by who knows what . It’s not as if Kim and I were any better at fifteen but still, this was our fault, no this was my fault I could have stopped her. Therefore, whatever happens next is on my head.

My edit: I wanted to punch him. That idiot. Even if he was right about how we shouldn't have come. I'd had a feeling it would be suicide, considering something about the way Kim pitched the idea gave me that vibe. We shouldn't have let Thomas come –fourteen years old and killed by who knows what. It's not as if Kim and I are any better since we're just fifteen, but still, this was our fault…well, my fault. I could have stopped her. Whatever happens next is on my head.

Regarding that segment, I feel it was a tad repetitive. You repeat yourself multiple times "it would be suicide" "the end of us" "killed by who knows what" etc. You repeat things a few other times throughout the passage, but it's not as glaring.

You also make some weird comparisons/misdirection? I'm not sure how to put it, but whatever it is when you say "I`ve never thought of myself as suicidal, but falling to my death down a seemingly infinite pit I guess there’s a first time for everything." You reveal later that your narrator was never suicidal, and he knew from the beginning that he wasn't. I know you probably thought that a sentence like that –sensational, surprising, out of the ordinary– was eye-catching, but it was kinda awkward considering it's irrelevance.

Some stuff also feels rushed, like you never took a breath while speaking. Slow it down just a little. For example, when Kim drinks the water, you say quite simply that she "looked at me and grinned then fell backwards into the water." Take some time on that. Maybe describe her expression as it shifted from excitement to horror or confusion; maybe describe the light fading from her eyes as her body went limp; maybe describe her hand as it reached out while she tumbled into the water… just a little more detail. Do that for everything. You don't have to bog down the narrative with random details, just make sure you don't rush your words and the action.

Now that I've nitpicked, I want to take a sec to commend you for a few things. Loved the dialogue. It felt authentic. Your narrator had the perfect amount of panic that managed to be realistic without being overdone. Secondly, I know it doesn't sound like it, but I like the writing style. It's…soft. I don't know how to describe it. I just like your writing voice, I think. I'd definitely read a book written in this narrative –just with some polishing up.

Great job. Thanks for letting me read!

Are you still critiquing?

yes!!

"I want to help." The three of them turned around quickly, each one drawing their weapon. Behind them, stood a Stormcloak Soldier.
"Who are you?!" Charley demanded.
"I am Arjun." Said the guard.
"Throw down your weapons!!!" The guard slowly unsheathed his sword and laid it on the ground. He also placed down a small dagger and took off his helmet as he sat on the ground with his hands in the air. He was dark-skinned and possessed brown eyes that were partially covered by his messy black hair. "What do you want?" asked Laura.
"I want to help." He repeated.
"You're a Stormcloak. Why do you want to help the side your fighting against!?" Charley yelled quietly.
"Because," Arjun began, "I realize now that I'm on the wrong side."
"Wrong side?"
"Our most recent mission was to take down some Imperial spies who were hiding out in a small town known as Kara's Vale. At the moment I thought that they were Imperial spies, but after the mission, I realized that it wasn't spies that we were killing. It was farmers, who were just trying to live day by day." Arjun looked at the ground before continuing. "The Stormcloaks aren't liberators." He spat on the ground in front of him, "They're murderers."

Thank you!!!

Wow! I'm instantly interested. A few mistakes here and there, but overall, I like the flow.

First things first: grammar. Be careful with your commas. If they're needed, throw them in, but if they're not, don't just add them. I have the same problem. For example: "Behind them, stood a Stormcloak Soldier" should be "Behind them stood a Stormcloak Soldier." Another issue is formatting. Whenever someone new speaks or there's a change in action, new paragraph. It makes things less crowded and confusing.

Speaking of dialogue, dialogue should be separated by commas mostly, periods, and only one punctuation mark. Let me use an example: "I am Arjun." Said the guard. becomes: "I am Arjun," said the guard. Another: "Who are you?!" Charley demanded. becomes "Who are you?" Charley demanded. Double punctuation works for a casual setting, but for fiction, it's better to steer clear of it. Your verbs and adverbs should be clear enough so that you don't need "?!" or "!!!". As I always say, show, don't tell.

Your description of Arjun was good, but a bit awkward. When describing something simple like eyes or skin, either mention it casually in the narrative like "his deep brown eyes turned towards her" or something, instead of just stating it explicitly. If you do want to state it explicitly like you have, instead of saying "possessed" say "had". Don't drag down the flow of the story with out of place big words.

I enjoyed the dialogue quite a lot! It felt realistic and furthered the plot. Arjun reminds me of Finn from Star Wars. Anyway, good job! Thanks for letting me critique!

Are you still doing this?

Yup

I know you've done a scene for me before.)
“Aw come on, sweetheart. Gotta have a little fun before you’re stuck with some downer forever!” The main guy, Axel, was picking up where we left off yesterday. Axel was a 6’4 brick wall. His dirt brown hair was in the classic playboy cut, sides trimmed and a swaying floof on top. His ugly puke green eyes scanned the area around us. “And I see that big sissy isn’t around to protect the baby!”
“Hey Ax. Don’t she look like she's inviting you in that outfit?” Henchman one, more commonly known as Dustin, gave me a perverted smile. Butter blonde hair with dancing blue eyes made him the most attractive of the three. He was also the most cowardly.
The third one was Ramond. He was the quiet one but I didn’t even want to be in the same room as him when near the other two. He’s has 7 girlfriends and 4 benefits. He’s in Axel’s gang just because Axel needs a rich guy in there. Ramond never had to say a word to make people actually terrified. He just looked at me differently…like he knew something I didn’t. His hair was black, like Mama Tera’s son. He was a bit more pale and his amber eyes seemed to stare at a part of my soul I tried to ignore. I was secretly friends with him but he and I didn’t want Axel and Dustin knowing.
Just behind Dustin, I see Mama Tera’s son. He grabs the blond and spins him around so they’re looking at each other.
“I don’t think you all should be making her be this uncomfortable.” He glared at the bullies. I felt my heart flutter slightly, like I knew that voice. I couldn't though. I never heard him speak before…right?
Dustin made a loud chihuahua yip like sound and scrambled to the end of the other two. Axel turned to the boy that scared his best friend and growled. Ramond nodded once at me then walked away.
“Who are you to tell us what to do?” He got in a very…offensive position, like he was going to tackle someone.

Oh, this scene is nice. I don't even know how to critique it because it's just. Is it my favorite scene I've ever read? Nah. But it's good, it's solid. The only pointers I might have are: maybe ease back on the ellipses? You use ellipses multiple times in this tiny scene. So…these…guys…should…be used sparingly. Another thing is that I can't really figure out what the narrator is feeling. She seems at ease, entirely so, even though three guys are bullying her. Which is fine, but since this narration is so deep in her POV, maybe hint at how she feels about being surrounded like that. Other than that, the scene was quite good. Good pacing, good flow. Nice job.

(Inspired by Imagine Dragons’ Radioactive, Fall Out Boy’s The Phoenix) Rust coated the inside of Scarlett’s eyelids and dusted her fingertips as she stumbled into the scientists’ lab. Cold, sterile air buffeted the tanned teen. Knowing the drill, the sleepy-eyed Scarlett picked up her broom and started sweeping again. The scientists’ labs were, funnily enough, full of dusty corners and food spills. She wiped the sweat off her face with the edge of her dusty jumpsuit.
The clock revealed only an hour had passed by, the first time Scarlett looked up. “Only five more hours,” she coughed, her breath visible in the chemical-tainted air. Then she inhaled.
Hours passed, the traffic cone orange of Scarlett’s suit slowly covered by grey. Her hair was tangled up in a bun, and sweat glued the jumpsuit to her skin. Her hands fell limply to her sides as she walked out the laboratory door. Other inmates joined her as they walked down the halls. They exited into the silver moonlight, and filed into plastic yellow of the bus.
Hands passed each other as they walked down the aisles, needing to choose a seat. The driver, with lidded eyes and sleepless nights, noticed nothing. Notes were exchanged, words traced by fingers, lips closed, and eyes twinkling. Scarlett slumped into a seat, and the driver started the bus. Every inmate was eying the clock above the driver’s head. 50 seconds, 51 seconds, 52 seconds, 53 seconds, 54 seconds, the driver glanced at the mirror. Everyone was staring at something above his head. What was it? 55 seconds, 56 seconds, 57 seconds. Every inmate was tense, hoping against hope. 58 seconds, 59 seconds, 12 AM.
“Get him!” Scarlett leapt up and roared with fervor, a manic grin slashed across her face. Every prisoner surged forward, a mass of colors and sizes. The driver tried to fight back, but he was too tired, unprepared. The bus was seized immediately. Scarlett put Andrea in charge of driving, on the grounds of “she won’t drive us into a pole, Laura!” “To the prison!”
The wardens never expected the prisoners. They snuck in through the back, Scarlett motioning them two, three at a time. She watched them go, reviewing the plan in her head: Step one, sneak in. Step two, take down the guards quietly. Step three, unlock the prison doors. Step four, Scarlett grinned, get out of this hellhole.
Standing before her twin’s cell, the redheaded leader fingered her necklace. Scarlett grinned as she slid a red-and-white fingernail behind the golden key, and flicked out the small blade. A cacaphony of footsteps and shouts echoed from the other cells being opened. Emma watched her sister through the grey bars before deciding enough was enough. “So, you gonna let me out sis or what?”
Scarlett rolled her eyes, “Yeah yeah,” Fire red feathers dropped from her hair as she laid a hand on the metal lock. Steam arose from the steel gray slag that used to be a lock, as it dropped to the floor.
Emma eyed her sister critically as she walked out the cell, “You reborn last night?” Red feathers starting to poke out of her hair, ash on her fingertips, nails starting to claw, longer canines, all regular. She sighed in relief.
Scarlett didn’t notice. “Last week.”
“So, what are we doing?”
Scarlett smirked, “We’re getting out of course. And,” The girl held a hand up, “before you ask, everyone else is too, not just us.”
“Why did you let me out first?” Emma tilted her head, shoulders tensed.
“Heh, well, where would I be without my twin of trouble?” Emma slumped and grinned mischieviously.
“Good. Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”
“So Em, ready to take down some idiots?”
“Always, Letty.”

I love the vibes. Seriously. The gritty details about dust and twinkling eyes and "lidded eyes and sleepless nights". So. So good.

Now the critique: A few sentences seemed pointless and out of place. Like you were trying to reference the song too much without letting it flow naturally. The most glaring example is: "Then she inhaled." There was no point in the reader knowing that she inhaled. Of course, she inhales, everyone does. Why mention it unless you say something like "Then, she inhaled, the chemicals burning her lungs" or something? It just doesn't fit the flow of the story.

Some notes on your dialogue: "Dialogue," I explain, "works something like this."

"When someone speaks, you set the dialogue tag off with a comma," I say.

I smirk. "But if it's just an action, no need for a comma. Although," my smirk stretches to a full smile, "when interrupting the dialogue for a quick action, commas work."

So, using an example from your stuff…

The original: Scarlett rolled her eyes, “Yeah yeah,” Fire red feathers dropped from her hair as she laid a hand on the metal lock.

Edit: Scarlett rolled her eyes. "Yeah, yeah," she mumbled, fire red feathers dropping from her hair as she laid a hand on the metal lock.

See the difference? Don't be scared to use dialogue tags (use said the most, and more powerful verbs sparingly) to write dialogue.

Anyway, great job. Really enjoyed this one.