forum opinions... please?
Started by @ElderGod-Carrots
tune

people_alt 35 followers

@ElderGod-Carrots

So I’ve had this sitting in my notes for a while, contemplating whether or not to put this is my book or not and I’m finally getting around to my decision but I need opinions on it, pretty please. My friends are biased so… yeah, thanks!


He didn’t know what the hell happened, but all Farron knew was the pain hit him harder then running into a solid wall.
One minute, he was fighting Gallion, fire and lightning whipping around them and then suddenly the air had been knocked clean from him. His eyes widened as he struggled for breath, and he grabbed at the neck of his dragon for balance. He glanced over at Gallion who looked like he was going through the same shit.
Before he knew it, his body felt like it was burning and burning, like every part of him had been lit on fire at once. He grabbed at his skin, clawing at every inch that was visible, trying to rid himself of the overbearing pain.
Farron glanced over at the other guy again, Gallion’s body stiff on his mount before he was free falling through the air and plummeting towards the ground. He tried to call out, do anything to help the older boy but nothing let his lips, no sound penetrated through the air except his body. His body that had slipped off his own damned mount.
All he knew after that was the never ending darkness the surrounded him.
Farron faintly felt himself being carried by someone yet couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes, couldn’t even force himself to do so.
There were screams, loud ones but Farron couldn’t tell if they were friend or foe.
The longer he stayed in the darkness, the more constricted he felt by it. It was over powering, almost too much so.
He could barely think, barely breath. His mind was running a million miles an hour and yet wasn’t at once.
All he could focus on was the never end blackness that clouded every inch of his view. That worked its way into every inch of his mind and pore of his body.
His body was cold. Colder then the winter winds up in Dosonia.
Farron tried to regain control of his body, tried to focus on anything but the darkness yet he couldn’t. Couldn’t do anything anymore.
It wasn’t in his nature to give up, something he’d tried to avoid since he started at Myzervic’s but just this once, there was nothing he could do. If this was death then he didn’t want it.
Farron didn’t know how long he was consumed by the constricting feeling of nothingness, it felt like centuries of staring into the black pit until a blinding sliver light pieced the dark. It swirled around in patterns and symbols he’d never seen in his life and bewitched him.
But it was the heat that he focused on. The heat that numbed the coldness that no longer flowed through his body at an agonisingly fast rate.
Farron basked in the heat as best he could in his state, yet almost as fast as the light appeared, it was gone, leaving only the cold and the numb and the pain.

Deleted user

This is a really splendid piece. You have the emotions and actions very clearly written and it's fairly simple to understand what's going on within my point of view. The words are amazingly descriptive and it's nearly poetic.
Another note, it is rather difficult to understand who is who since this is a snippet, so if this would become a piece at the beginning of a story, I recommend clearing it up a bit.
Overall, very good! I couldn't find any grammar issues at face level and it is well written. Your friends, who I assume had a positive reaction to this, are correct, this is a wonderful snippet.

Deleted user

Thanks so much! I'll make sure to keep that in mind if I put it in :)

No problem! I hope this wasn't too late of a reply!