forum First chapter of my story, The Borealis Pack. Helpful feedback would be nice.
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tune

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Deleted user

Wolf Pack

Alpha Pair:

Kinglet – Gray pelt and yellow eyes.

Cinder – Dark grey pelt with brown eyes.

Beta Pair:

Arcane – Red pelt with white stomach and gray eyes.

Sulu – White pelt and green eyes.

Healer:

Charlie – Brown and white pelt with gray eyes.

Elders:

Ozzy – Gray pelt with brown eyes.

Pups:

Orchid – White pelt and blue eyes.

Halo – White pelt and blue eyes.

Warriors:

Soot – Dark grey pelt with light grey stomach and brown eyes.

Fern – Brown pelt with brown eyes.

Hunters:

Vole – Brown pelt with brown eyes.

Ash – Dark grey pelt with black stripes and brown eyes.

Scout:

Griffin – Red pelt with yellow eyes.

Ripple – Gray/blue pelt with gray eyes.

Omega:

Casey – Black pelt with yellow eyes.

Loner Pack:

Hawk: Dark brown pelt with lighter brown stomach and white neck.

Lee: Red pelt and white stomach with amber eyes.

Fox: Bright red pelt with white tail, paws, and stomach.

Husk: Grey pelt with white stomach and gray eyes.

Weaver: Tan pelt with one golden eye and one brown eye.

Mallow: Grey pelt with black patches on back and tan neck and paws.

Chapter 1

Casey’s feet drummed across the forest floor as she ran. She turned her head, looking back in anxiety. She couldn’t see anything through the thick fog as she ran. Harder and harder, she pushed herself until she couldn’t go any longer. She sat on her haunches, catching her breath. She watched the woods around her, her eyes straining to see through the black of night and cloudy fog.

                The pack had to be close. She wouldn’t let herself stop repeating those words, letting them run through her head. A twig snapped. Casey shot to her feet, ears flattening to her head, her black fur bristling. A howl pierced the silence somewhere close by. Somewhere too close. A grey wolf padded through the fog, yellow eyes, just like her’s. This wolf was larger than her, even though she was large herself. Casey gasped as more wolves let themselves be seen. There were pelt colors of all sorts. Red, gray, white, brown. There must have been at least 15 wolves.

                Casey recognized these wolves as the Borealis Pack. Her attention resumed to the grey wolf in front of her. He had an air of authority, as did the two wolves beside him. On his right, another gray wolf, a female. On his left, a brown and white wolf, also female. The gray pair of wolves are the alpha pair, she thought to herself. Casey put her front legs to the ground, her hind legs staying up. She rested her head upon her front legs, bowing to the alphas.

                “You can stand. Now tell me, who are you and what brought you to the land of the Borealis Pack.” The alpha spoke with a firm voice and his gaze was unwavering. Casey stood as commanded and responded, “My name is Casey of…” Her voice trailed off. She belonged to no pack or group of lone wolves. Not anymore. “My name is Casey,” She resumed, “And I come seeking shelter, as I belong to no one.” She hoped this wolf would accept her plead and allow her in.

                The alpha frowned. “This pack does not allow a wolf of your heritage to simply join. It’s improper and you could be a threat to my pack.” Casey’s eyes widened. She had to get into the pack. She needed to warn them of the plan, and if she told them now, they’d kill her. “Please, Alpha. Allow me to stay awhile as Omega, and let me prove myself,” She pleaded. “Come on Kinglet, you can let her stay awhile, can’t you? She’s still quite young.” The wolf on his left spoke up now. The alpha, now known to Casey as Kinglet, sighed. “I suppose, it wouldn’t do much harm, but you must take the duties of Omega and watch the pups.” Casey’s smile faltered. She wasn’t exactly the best when it came to pups. “I’m not sure that’s the best idea.” “Nonsense. You will stay as Omega and pup-watcher or not at all.” He told her. “Of course, Alpha.” She replied hesitantly.

                She followed the pack through the forest, coming into a clearing. The clearing was huge, and nests were scattered everywhere. Casey had little knowledge of packs, but she knew where the nest’s where. The scouts stayed along the outside, as did the Omega. The hunters and warriors could stay wherever, but near the back of the clearing was a huge tree. It was hollowed out inside, and that was where the alpha pair stayed. A large bush next to it indicated where the healer, pups, and beta pair stayed. She made a mental note to put her nest next to the bush, so she could keep an eye on the pups easily.

                “Let’s get you familiar with the pack.” Alpha said as he approached. He took her to the bush. The brown and white wolf lay under there with two white female pups and a gray wolf. “The two pups belong to the Beta Pair, Arcane and Sulu. Their names are Halo and Orchid.” He nodded to a white pup with blue eyes when he said Halo, and Orchid looked identical except she had messier fur. “That’s our elder Ozzy.” He nodded to the sleeping gray wolf. Ozzy was twitching and snoring, a sign of deep sleeping. “And the last one under here is our healer, Charlie. She is the one who currently watches the pups.” He nodded to the brown and white wolf. Charlie looked up, “Hello Casey. I’ll show you what I mostly do with pups later.” Casey sighed inwardly. At least someone would help her with Orchid and Halo. Alpha ducked under the lower branches of the bush and walked toward where the other nest’s where. “Currently, our scouts are out with the hunters and betas, but I’ll show you the warriors. That’s Soot and that’s Fern. We currently have no other warriors, because our pack is still small.” Soot was a dark grey wolf and Fern had light brown fur.

                A crash in the woods made Casey look up. A red pelted wolf dashed into the clearing, bleeding from a deep bite on his shoulder. “They’re coming!” Charlie ran out to inspect him and instructed the warriors to grab some herbs.

Krynn

This is really good! Right off the bat, it grabbed my attention.
One thing that I noticed is that whenever someone new speaks, there should be a new paragraph. This makes it easier to read and follow.
The only other thing I noticed was, "Alpha said as he approached: He took her to the bush." could be "Alpha said as he approached. He took her to the bush."
Hope that helped! Can't wait to see more!

Deleted user

Thank you for the feedback! I'll work on getting the second chapter posted