forum Critique my story?

Started October 08, 2018 by Deleted user

tune

I'm writing a story about a couple of chuckleheads getting forced to fight during the Trojan war. It's set during the Illiad. If anyone's interested, I'll post it.

Im interested and wanted to know Do you wanna One On One?

Totally dude! Put up a thread and I'll post what I have of my story.

What do you wanna Roleplay about tho before i post it

Here's what I got. It's kind of a lot.

This story will start, as many stories do, by describing the place where it will start instead of the characters. It starts in a backwater coastal town called Tragodía. Tragodía was situated in the somewhat unfortunate stretch of land between Greece and Troy during the Trojan War. The only people who knew about it either lived there, or got horribly lost and stumbled across it. Sometimes an army would march through on their way to glory or failure, but for the most part it was unknown.
It was a sad, lonely little place, filled to the brim with poor farmers, poor fishermen, and boys looking to become more than their fathers, although they never would. It also happened to be filled to the brim with the children of gods who people didn’t exactly accept in the rest of the world. One of these poor sods is our protagonist, Leandros son of Thanatos, child of the god of death.
The setting sun found him pacing quietly in the courtyard of his house, buzzing with nervous energy. As he paced, he thought about how he could tell his sister that the Greek army had finished sacking Thebes and was about to find their cozy little town and destroy it. He was also contemplating whether she would ever return. All the roads leading out of town and harbors had been blocked in an attempt to keep out the Greeks, and she often took on patients who lived pretty far away from her.
Leandros’ sister was a remarkable woman- especially for a mortal. She was a child of Asclepius, and a born healer because of it. She came from a long line of half-gods. Her Brother, Mother, grandfather, great-grandfather, great-great-grandmother, and so on had been the children of one god or another, and each had become minor folk heroes. She was working her way up to a legendary status as the woman who had tamed death itself.
While Leandros settled onto a bench and kept an eagle eye on the road that ran past the house, mentally reciting what he would tell his sister and jiggling his knee to relieve some of the pressure rising inside him, the woman marched right up to him and crushed him in a bone snapping hug.
Once she was content, she released her brother from her death grip and looked over his face. She paused to prod a bit at a bruise she found blooming on his left cheek with a slight frown.
“Hey bro, how’s fortune been treating you?” Leandros’ sister, Demetria, was the kind of person who said things with three extra exclamation marks and more emphasis than needed. She was a tall woman, almost 5’8, with unfashionably tanned skin and long, tangled black hair.
“Not that great sis,” Leandros answered with a slight grimace on his face. He bit his lip and continued “See, uh, well… Well the Greek army is marching towards our town as we speak. They just sacked Thebes, and we’re about to be next.” After he blurted out the news, he realized he should’ve told her to take a seat or brace herself or something. Not like he could take it back.
She blinked a few times, trying to process something that she hadn’t dared think about. Even though the war had been raging on for nine long years, she had never imagined it reaching her home.
“We- we need to flee then,” Her voice trembled when she made her first attempt to speak, but she cleared her throat and continued “Surely there will be another, safer place for us to live. Your father will protect us. All we need to do is find some horses or-”
“We can't leave. All the streets that leave the town are blocked off, and the port's closed off. I'm kind of of surprised you even made it here.” He bit his lip again when he saw most of the hope in her eyes die.
“Then what can we do? Is all hope lost?” She shook her head and yanked her brother inside. “How long do we have until they get here?”
“I don’t know. The only thing the council told us was that they’d be consulting with an oracle,” At this his sister lit up.
“Of course. The oracle will know what to do. Has he dispensed a prophecy yet?”
“Do I look like I’d know? I’ve been waiting here for you to get home so I could warn you,” Leandros rubbed the back of his neck and looked down while he finished the sentence, already beginning to criticize himself. Should he have gone to check on the prophet? Gods he was so stupid sometimes.
“No, that was the right call. I would’ve been distraught if I couldn’t find you. Still, we should start making our way to the town square. Maybe he’ll have finished up the prophecy and we can catch the tail end of whatever he’s saying,” Leandros nodded, and Demetria hurriedly threw on her cloak. Technically it was her brother’s but as it happened to fit her, she wore it more often.
The pair set out into the town square. It was a breezy day, but the sun was shining. as they continued into the center of the town, a crowd of people appeared, growing thicker and thicker with every step. By the time the pair had reached the city center, walking was all but impossible. Somehow they found a way.
In the center of the crowd sat a man on a three-legged stool. Leandros recognized him as Eugen, a boy who often flirted with his sister. He had his eyes closed, a look of gentle contemplation on his face. He seemed like he had finished a strenuous project and was being given a long break. Sweat dried on his face, and his breathing was heavy.
Finally he opened his eyes. A strange white mist had clouded them over, and when he spoke, his voice was strange. More … reverberant than Leandrus remembered, as if several voices were speaking at once. It raised gooseflesh on his arms.
"The gods say that the Greeks will soon take our fair town. The gods, the most merciful of leaders, have arranged a way for us to stay alive. If we give up 100 of our number, we will be saved from destruction. These 100 and not one more will be taken, and the rest of us will be able to toil on in their absence. We must give these 100 or our death is assured. Friends lend me some paper so I may write out the list and let those 100 be prepared for the Greeks the gods will not let these be made slaves or killed, but these 100 will most likely never return. The gods have assured me that people who are female, over 40, under 18, ill or crippled will not be chosen. "
The crowd seemed unsure of how to act. They were overjoyed that they had been saved, but they also didn't want to forever loose 100 of their own. The prophet stamped his feet on the ground, quieting them after a few moments.
"I know this is not the alternative you hoped for. No one wants to lose someone important to them, but it's either this or certain death. We all know what we're going to choose, so try to make peace with yourselves. Check back here in an hour or two to see who has been chosen." The crowd dispersed, muttering about who may get chosen. Soon only the oracle and the members of the town council were left in the square.
The streets of the city were clogged with people heading back home, so Leandrus and Demetria decided to pray at the shrine of Soteria, the local goddess of protection and salvation, to ensure protection for those who got chosen by the gods. On the way they passed a stand selling incense and bought a few sticks.
After a short, pleasant walk through the city, they reached the shrine. They lit their incense, bowed their heads, and began to pray, though they both prayed for different things.
Demetria was selfish. She knew she was selfish, but she couldn’t bring herself to care. Sme wished only for her brother to be spared from the list of 'volunteers'. "Please, oh Goddess, let my brother stay off the list. Let him stay here, safe and sound, please. I beg of you, even if he says he wants this, even if he accepts the fact that he may be chosen, let him stay safe and sound in his own home. If he is chosen, let him stay away from the fighting. Let him be trapped in a camp polishing the soldier's armor and complaining instead of fighting soldiers to the death. If he must see the gore of battle let him be protected from all who wish to harm him. Let him stay safe from those who wish him ill. I beg of you, oh merciful and beautiful goddess, let Leandros son of Thanatos stay safe from harm and safe from being taken by the Greeks."
Leandros wished only for the safety of those chosen "Please, oh loving and merciful goddess of protection, allow those chosen to be given to the Greeks to stay safe and secure. Allow them to be well cared for. Let them, if they are to face the dogs of war, stay protected from the wrath of their enemies. Let them stay unpierced by the blades and arrows of their enemies. Let their flesh stay unmarred. Let them be well cared for and safe. This is all I beg of you, oh patron of our city. I ask nothing of myself, only that those chosen, including me or not, will be allowed to live in health and happiness no matter their situation."
They stayed at the shrine, repeating their messages over and over. Asking but one favor from the goddess. High up on Olympus, she heard their desperate prayers, but although she tried she could answer only one. She was unable to keep people from the list, as those chosen were hand picked by Zeus, but she did make herself a promise. She would watch over those chosen as if they were her own flesh and blood, and do her best to keep them from danger.
A large group of people, who had had the same idea as the siblings, wandered up to the shrine, at which point they realized they had been praying for over an hour. The sun had begun to peak below the buildings, casting a orange glow over the city
"The oracle said to come back in an hour, right? We should we go back to the town square." Demetria announced, straightening up and smoothing out the skirt of her peplos.
"It's not like we have anything better to do," Leandros rose to his feet, his back giving a mighty crack when he straightened his spine. He grabbed his sister by the hand and pulled her back to the town square. In the very back of his mind a voice told him to be scared, to fear for his life, to try and escape the town no matter how well blocked the streets were, but he squashed it. There was no way he could escape. It was better for him to die fighting like a man than dying like a coward. His sister looked scared too, though not for herself as he was. Her skin was blanched, and her palm was sweaty in his.
"Hey sis, everything will be okay," He squeezed her hand and then dropped it. "You've seen me hunt. Even if I do have to fight, I can take on any man."
She shook her head, acting a hundred years older than she actually was. "There are so many things you must learn. I have met our father many times brother. He will not hesitate to steal you from this world when your time comes." Her brother scoffed at her concern "Besides, it is so much harder to kill a person than an animal. I have had to do it twice, and each time, as you know, I lost a piece of my soul. I pray you will never feel the same."
"You worry too much, sister. We will both come out of this with a smile on our face and relief in our hearts. I swear that all will be well." He gave her his sunniest smile, and she returned it with a weak smirk of her own.
"I suppose you are correct," he let out a little cheer before she bumped his shoulder with hers. "Stop that foolish cheering and shove your way through this crowd. I can't seem to make anyone budge."
"That's because you're about as strong as the wings of a butterfly,"
"Shut up!"
He elbowed his way through the crowd, letting his sister follow nibley behind him. The crowd parted in an easy manor, surprising given Demetria's complaints. It was like whenever someone saw his face they threw themselves out of his way. Soon everyone had made room for him to walk up to the front, like a hallway of human bodies. It made him uneasy. Why were they doing that? They hadn't allowed his sister the courtesy.
The reality hit him like a wooden board to the face. They had seen his name on the list and were letting him walk up to the front without a struggle. While he was busy letting the reality of what was about to happen sink in, He didn't see the back of the boy standing in front of him, frozen with disbelief. Reality was not the only thing that hit him across the face at that moment. Both he and the boy went sprawling across the cobblestone streets.
"Oh my Gods! I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" Leandros heaved himself to his feet before turning around and offering a hand to the boy.
"Watch where you're going you buffoon," Said the boy, shoving the hand away before regaining his footing. "I'm going to be given away to the Greeks like some kind of spoil of war, and I don't need my day getting any worse, especially not from someone who's going to stay safe and sound at home until this cured war is over."
"No need to get so offended friend," Leandros brushed off his knees and straightened up to his full height. "But seeing as I'm also about to be shipped off, I'd say most of your complaints are invalid."
The boy turned his head to the side and shifted his weight "Sorry. I'm just… not having the best day. We may as well get to know each other if we're going to the same place. I'm Adonis"
"Nice to meet you Adonis, I'm Leandros. Uh… Guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other?"
The boy let out a short bark of laughter at the awkward half question "I suppose we will. Try not to send me flying next time we meet."
"No problem." As Leandros walked up to the list to be 100% sure that this was really happening, Adonis disappeared into the crowd. Leandros walked up to the list, dread turning his legs into stone and his heart into a fluttering mass of nerves. As he reached the spot where the list had been rolled open, he began to feel nauseous. Eugen had said that there was a very small chance of him ever returning. For all his earlier talk, he wasn't sure if he would ever see his sister again.
Still, something compelled him to keep walking, and soon he was standing only a few inches away from the list, his shadow covering almost half the parchment. He scanned over and, to his immediate dismay, caught sight of his name, written near the bottom in dark looping handwriting. Dismay coursed through him. So he would be sent off.
Despite the fact that he could die, his only worries were for Demetria. He was one of the few reasons she returned home. With him gone, would she ever leave the hospital again? He had always taken care of her, and now he worried that she may not take care of herself.
He stood in front of that wretched list for a long time, worrying, but he finally snapped out of it when Demetria stepped forward and set her hand on his shoulder. He turned back to her, face clouded over with some emotion she couldn't identify. Before she could even open her mouth to ask if he was picked he gave her a weary nod, already aged by what could happen.
"Everything will be okay," She said, not a trace of fear present in her voice. She pulled her brother into a loose hug, uncaring of the people watching them. "You'll fight the Trojans, and return in a year or so with medals of honor and the riches of conquest."
"Don't kid yourself sister, I'm most likely doomed and we both know it," She snorted and gave him a firm slap on the back. She seemed amused at their role reversal, she was the one comforting him now, but Leandros felt tired.
"I'm kidding no one. Everything will be alright baby brother. I am sure of it."
"If you say so." Though there may have been a glimmer of hope for him, in all likelihood he would be sent to the front lines and slain by some Trojan brute. Still, he let his sister chatter on about anything and everything as they walked home. He wouldn't- couldn't- let his dour mood ruin her evening, which had been bad enough already.
Demetria had a way of lightening his mood, no matter how terrible circumstances around them were. After their mother died, he had depended on her to keep him in a healthy state of mind, and now he found he was doing the same thing. Letting her idle chatter wash over him, soothing his nerves and allowing him to fight of the numbness that had gripped him as he looked at the list.
By the time they reached their home, he was feeling much better. Every so often he replied to her, and she managed to keep up some vestige of a conversation until they got home, for which Leandros would eternally be grateful.
"So… Do you want to talk about today, or do you want to ignore the whole mess until tomorrow?" Demetria began stoking a fire in the courtyard while her brother collapsed onto a bench. He groaned and pulled his knees up to his chest.
"I- I don't know what to do," He whispered. "I've never served in the army aside from what was required of me. Even though I hunt, what you said is true. Hunting animals is different from fighting people. I don't even know if Greeks use archers, and I'm not that good with a sword. What of they decide I'm worthless and… And…" His voice went hoarse and choked off. When Demetria looked at him she saw a few tears sparkling on his face. She sat next to him, ignoring the fire for a moment, and slung an arm around his shoulders.
"I can't see the future, but I can say one thing. We sent our prayers up to Soteria, and I know with all my heart that she will protect you as best she can. Besides, the prophet promised you wouldn't be a slave or get killed." At this Leandros let out a sigh, blowing some of the hair that had been shading his eyes into the air.
"Your belief is nice, but it doesn't prove anything. She could have missed our prayers, or she could be indifferent. The gods do their best, but we are mere mortals. She has no obligation to us," He sniffed a bit, before wiping his face dry.
"Brother, belief is all we have left. I believe that the gods will ensure your safety, and I believe you will return to me. If I cannot believe, then what can I do? Wallow in my suffering until the abyss swallows me whole? That is no way for me to live," Her eyes were bright with passion, and she squeezed her brother's side until he seemed almost suffocated. When he started wheezing she released him and sat down beside the fire once more.
As she finally lit the fire and wandered inside to fetch some food, Leandros allowed himself to believe. The gods could favor him. He could somehow make it back home when the fighting was done. He looked up at the stars and gave them a small, hopeful smile.
"IS DRIED VENISON OKAY? IT'S ALL WE HAVE LEFT IN THE KITCHEN," Demetria screamed from the kitchen. Leandros made a mental note to go hunting tomorrow. The Greeks would arrive in a week or so, and there was too much to get done before they stomped all over his live. "LEANDROS!?"
"YEAH THAT'S FINE," He heard her start to yell back, then a loud thump and the sound of muttered cursing. " ARE YOU OKAY?"
"I BUMPED THE COUNTER, IT'S GOOD." She popped out of the kitchen doorway with a plate of meat. "I'm okay, I did drop the food though, so I'd look out for spare hairs."
"Gross!" Leandros puckered his upper lip into a sneer as Demetria punched him on the arm.
"Don't be such a smart ass." She fell back into a dramatic pose, arm draped over her forehead. "I slaved away for minutes to make you this meal. I can't believe you'd devalue all my hard work and dedication by calling my hard prepared meal 'Gross'!" She made air quotes around the word gross with her fingers "How ungrateful you are of my efforts to please you! How cruel a brother you are!"
"Shut up."
"And now you scorn me for my rightful complaints! Oh wretched world, can I never find peace in my home? Why is fortune so cruel a mistress!"
"You suck!" Leandros couldn't help laughing a little at his sister's display. When she heard his light chuckle, her face broke out into a wide smile.
"Feeling better?" He ducked his head, but responded.
"Yeah, I do. Thanks," She patted (Or smacked, she sometimes hit a bit too hard) him on the head.
"What are big sisters for?" He rolled his eyes.
When they started eating, Leandros was startled to find how content he was. Even though he was about to go gods know where to appease invading warriors, he was happy with his life. How weird was that? When the conversation drifted out he retreated into his thoughts, making a long list of exactly what he would need to do before he left. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't realize when Demetria fell asleep on his leg until she started drooling.
"Now that's gross." He picked her up, careful not to wake her, and carried her to her bedroom, where he tucked her under the covers and left. He spent the rest of the night tossing and turning, trying to get to sleep, but his attempts were unsuccessful. When his exhausted body finally gave in, it was around four o' clock.

Oof, all the indentions got taken out, sorry about that.

t looks really well but Its kinda what i would expect from EVERY story out there. It needs to be different.

Ok, cool. I'll take that into consideration.

And like i said what do you wanna RP bout Romance, college, highschool, fantasy. Basic ideas if you wanna add an idea then do it but pick one or come up with your own

A fantasy would be pretty fun, as would a college or romance story. I'm really open to anything.

I do alot of college one on ones but everytime i do a Romance it never goes on for more then a couple days. I would like one that actually went longer than that but its your choice girl

A bunch of my romance plots burn out too! A romance would be cool, and I promise I'll stay online for more than a few days.

Yeah well its mostly because of me tho i get caught up and don'tthink and i tend to get dirty that why :(

That doesn't really bother me, actually. As long as you pm thing can go pretty far.

What? That " As long as you pm thing can go pretty far." Dosen't make sense to me sorry

I also get into it to fast like they will just meet and Luke will make a move fast like kiss the guy or do something like that LOL.

and i made it

It's no problem, I'm just saying I don't mind things going fast and stuff. I'm pretty much comfortable with everything.

Ok i made it ummm i think i told you what its called tell me when you get there and i will make a template.

Ok, cool!

Hey, I can't find where you said the name, what's it called?

Hold on i will send a link

I'm there! Sorry I couldn't find it!

Your fine i guess i kinda blew it up and i typicly respond within30seconds or so