I'm writing this with a friend of mine and I would LOVE it if you guys could tell us what you think. Be honest! If it's good then tell us! If it needs improvement or if we just need a lot more practice XD please let us know. It's 20ish pgs so if you want to read it you might want to take a moment and sit down. We would appreciate it SO MUCH. Thank you!
Hiya! I read through what you have so far, and you have a good start! I actually have a character who is the Demon King of the Court of Obsidian, but he's a total fluffball and a fashion icon. Pyro seems a bit different, to say the least, but this means I do have some experiences with demonic creatures and such!
With the start of your story, I would actually begin a bit earlier. If the reader's introduction to Pyro showed his life as the Demon King and how he left it for the human realm, I think the reader would sympathize more with him, as it would show his struggles and what the demonic realm looks and feels like. One really general thing that would enhance your story is if you included more environmental descriptions. I really like what you did with the visuals for the underground dining hall of the Elf King, and I think including more of that would be beneficial. Also: don't be afraid to take it slow! I know how it feels to want to get as much of a story out as possible, but going slower with the story allows for more description and more character-building moments. While Poppy and Pyro have a really cute relationship so far, I would go a bit slower with the story to allow for their relationship to have little moments to build it up.
Overall, good job! I really like the story so far: Pyro seems like a realistic character who isn't overpowered, Poppy is adorable and I love her, and the picture you painted of the demon realm literally sent a shiver down my spine! Writing can be really difficult, and you're doing great so far!
Thank you so much Vidari! Your opinion means a lot. I'll definitely take your advice and I totally agree with a lot of what you said. I did think it was going a bit fast… We got a tiny bit carried away (─‿‿─)… And we will probably add a bit to the ending. I think it's awesome you are writing about a Demon King as well! We will try and go back to add some more description to the area. Again, thank you tons!