forum Can Y'all read my story. "WARNING, its long"
Started by Deleted user
tune

people_alt 41 followers

Deleted user

Introduction:

Hello my name is Alexander Wilson and my sister is Elisabeth Wilson and she became blind because of an accident that happened not to long ago… this begins when me and Ely that is her sobriquet was and still is my younger sister by like 4 minutes and it was fun for me and her because we would always compete with each other about who is the oldest or silly things like who is going to die first or things like that because we would always be strange kids even when we were little then the horrible day came and we saw it as a normal day until I went to the forest because I would always go there but this time it was different this particular day the forest was murmuring and saying turn around repetitively and I thought it was just my imagination because why would that happened I mean today in a normal day just like any oth_ _ _ I was captured by the spirits of the forest told me that I disrespected them and the forest and that I had to do a simple favor for them, and I thought that was all just a joke or a dream and I said "phhh I don't need to do what you tell me what to do_ _ _" and after I could finish my sentence they grab my neck and told me *you have no right to live you are an unrespectful kid and should not have the ability to see nor speak and then I heard a familiar voice that said "leave him alone if you want to take the ability to speak nor see then come at me!" after that I fainted… when I woke up I thought I was alone and blind but just to confirm it I said "hello?" and then I realize that I was able to speak and I laugh like I never laugh before and then I saw what I thought was the person who said to leave me alone and I aproach her and said "hmm Hello?" and then I startled because it was my sister Ely and I screamed at her and said "Hey! say something or can you see how many fingers am I holding?" I didn't get a response for a couple of seconds that soft like hours and then she said "Brother? is that you?" I responded immediately "Y-yes Sister can you hear me?" she didn't respond but instead a spirit responded with " she is now blind and she can hear you but she is not going to be able to see anymore…" after he could finish the sentence I shouted " NO! she can't be blind she is the most generous person I know and she doesn't deserve that kind of punishment and… "she did that because of you I was the one that shortened the punishment because if you remember your punishment was supposed to be blindness and silentness for the rest of your human life, then your sister protected you can defeat all of the spirits but 2 that one was me and him" I replied with " Who is him?" "he is one of many powerful spirits that live into the human word and ofter I could notice he put the curse on your sister" "I was covered in tears and my sister finally woke up and he spirit was right she wasn't able to see but was able to speak. "humans as respect for your compassion for each other and since then your sister is not going to be able to see for the rest of her human life then what if I tell you that I can help?" "Since you and your sister are twins and are related to each other and have a close brother-sister relationship stronger than what I have ever seen then I would give you this…" " this is the reflection sphere it makes people that are not able to do what they can't do be able to do it with the help of their related one but that also has a consequence that can be good or bad, it depends on how you see it.. "I'll do anything for her she saved my life and if can help with anything I can then be it because I am not going to be sitting here and just do nothing about it" " then here…" he gave us two spheres that were practically the same " this would make your eyes your sister's you are going to be her eyes" " if you both use these spheres then you would be connected to each other and you would be able to help your sister to see but in my favor I will erase the memories and replace with happy and different memories, I would make her remember everything about her childhood and that she is not able to see but it is able to sense spirits and that she always got a connection to the forest, so do you accept?" I replied with " Of course I would do anything for her she has to help me in every situation even do I am her older brother she would always help me as my older sister and s-she p-promise me t-that if something happened to me she would sacrifice herself to save me and I thought that day would never come but it eventually came and it is sad because she did that just because of my horrible behavior and now I think that it was that brave to sacrifice herself just for me then I can do it to" and so I accepted.

Deleted user

I still don't have a title soooooooooooooooooooooooo can someone help me or just give me inspiration about it?

@Starfast group

I unfortunately can't help you with titles, since I myself am also not that great with coming up with them. But I do have a few things about the story itself.

1. The intro. There's a couple things that need work here. First off, starting off with your character introducing himself to the reader is kind of cliched and not that interesting. Your first sentence is supposed to hook your reader, so ideally, you want it to be interesting. A good first sentence should make your reader as questions that make them want to keep reading. Your story should also start as close to the action as possible, so instead of starting off with introductions, start where things start to get interesting (in this case, I would say right before they go into the woods).

2. The format Your story is just one giant paragraph and not only does that look really daunting, it also is hard to read, and can sometimes even be confusing or hard to follow. You should start a new paragraph every time someone speaks, or every time the focus is shifted to another character.

3. Showing vs telling I was going to tie this in with the first point, but I think it applies to other parts as well. Basically what this is showing the reader certain things through actions rather than just telling them outright. So, for example, I would always go there but this time it was different this particular day the forest was murmuring…"
Your reader will be able to piece certain things on their own. You don't need to tell the reader that this isn't normal, especially when you follow it up with Alexander thinking that it was his imagination. His reaction shows the reader that
this is unusual, so you don't need to tell us that.

Anyways, I gotta go, but hopefully you find this helpful.

Deleted user

Thank you so much Starfast that would help me so much and thank you for reading all of that crap that you.

@mozartsnumberonefan group

Basically, I improved the formatting (including the paragraphs, @Starfast), and made some grammar changes. Thank you for letting us read your story!

I'm going to assume the '…' are for sentence breaks and not parts of the story that were taken out

Hello, my name is Alexander Wilson. My sister is Elisabeth Wilson and she is my younger sister by like 4 minutes. It was fun for me and her because we would always compete with each other about who is the oldest or silly things like who is going to die first or things like that. We would always be strange kids even when we were little. She became blind because of an accident that happened not too long ago.

This begun when Ely (that is her sobriquet) and I went to the forest. I would always go there, but this time it was different. This particular day, the forest was murmuring and saying turn around repetitively. I thought it was just my imagination, because why would that happen? I mean, it was a normal day just like any other.

I was captured by the spirits of the forest. They told me that I disrespected them and the forest and that I had to do a simple favor for them. I thought that was all just a joke or a dream. I said, "Phhh, I don't need to do what you tell me what to do."

After I could finish my sentence, they grabbed my neck and told me, "You have no right to live. You are a disrespectful kid and should not have the ability to see nor speak."

Then I heard a familiar voice that said, "Leave him alone if you want to take the ability to speak nor see then come at me!"

After that, I fainted.

When I woke up I thought I was alone and blind, but just to confirm it I said, "Hello?"

Then I realized that I was able to speak and I laugh like I never laughed before. I saw what I thought was the person who said to leave me alone. I approached her and said, "Hmm, hello?"

Then I startled because it was my sister Ely. I screamed at her and said, "Hey! Say something, or can you see how many fingers I am holding?"

I didn't get a response for a couple of seconds that felt like hours. Then she said, "Brother? Is that you?"

I responded immediately. "Y-yes Sister, can you hear me?"

She didn't respond but instead, a spirit responded with, "She is now blind and she can hear you, but she is not going to be able to see anymore."

After he could finish the sentence I shouted, "NO! She can't be blind. She is the most generous person I know and she doesn't deserve that kind of punishment."

"She did that because of you. I was the one that shortened the punishment because if you remember, your punishment was supposed to be blindness and silence for the rest of your human life. Then your sister protected you and defeated all of the spirits but two. Those ones were him and me."

I replied with, "Who is him?"

"He is one of many powerful spirits that live into the human word, and after, I noticed he put the curse on your sister."

I was covered in tears and my sister finally woke up. The spirit was right: She wasn't able to see but was able to speak.

"Humans, as respect for your compassion for each other and since your sister is not going to be able to see for the rest of her human life, then what if I tell you that I can help? Since you and your sister are twins, are related to each other, and have a close brother-sister relationship stronger than what I have ever seen, I will give you this. This is the reflection sphere. It makes people that are not able to do what they can't do be able to do it, with the help of their related one. But that also has a consequence that can be good or bad. It depends on how you see it."

"I'll do anything for her. She saved my life and I'll help with anything I can. I am not going to be sitting here and doing nothing about it."

"Then here." He gave us two spheres that were practically the same. "This will make your eyes your sister's. You are going to be her eyes. If you both use these spheres, then you will be connected to each other and you will be able to help your sister to see, but in my favor, I will erase the memories and replace them with happy and different memories. I will make her remember everything about her childhood. She is not able to see but is able to sense spirits and she always will have a connection to the forest. So, do you accept?"

I replied with, "Of course. I would do anything for her. She helped me in every situation. Even though I am her older brother, she would always help me as my older sister. S-she p-promised me t-that if something happened to me, she would sacrifice herself to save me. I thought that day would never come, but it eventually came and it is sad because she did that just because of my horrible behavior. Now I think that it was brave to sacrifice herself just for me. I can do it too."

And so I accepted.