forum Can someone critique this short story for school?
Started by Deleted user
tune

people_alt 2 followers

Deleted user

I just think it could be better
you know?
Also, try to be quick about it, no offense
you know…school

ANYWAY HERE WE GO!

"I'll be back home by 6 and that room better be unpacked when I get back!" Her mother yelled from downstairs before a door slammed shut.
She had just moved from home sweet New York to wild Utah and so far, it was horrible. Never in her life has she wanted to tell her neighbors to shut up, especially the upstairs ones. They were VERY loud and they never stopped, unlike New York where their neighbors were nice. She had to endure this for the past two weeks, and her ears hurt.
 Her room was your average room, it was medium size with a lone window on the side and a small walk-in-closet that was still filled with boxes that weren't going away anytime soon if she continued to procrastinate. 
Immediately, she got to work and opened her closet doors before moving a box in and started to unpack.  However, as she moved her possessions into the closet, she spotted a small box sitting casually on one of the closet shelves. It had a small door open on its side which...was not normal for a box. Curious, she stopped what she was doing and walked over to investigate. *Hmm, I wonder what's inside?* She thought to herself as she opened the lid of the box.
"Hey, put out roof back on!" A loud voice shouted from within the box.  Startled, Brooklyn looked into the box where a pack of snowglobes seems to be...talking? 
*Wait, I'm imagining it right?* She scolded herself as she tried looking around the closet to see if it was anything else.
"Hey you, yeah you, the girl with the brown hair! Down here!" The loud voice shouted once more. Slowly, she looked down once more, to see the snowglobes still talking, rather excitingly. 
*I'm getting delusional right?* This was very not normal.
"You-You're- The- You're talking." She stammered, completely speechless by what she saw. 
"Of course I'm talking, have you not seen a talking snow globe before?!" A small man asked angrily. He was about 2 inches tall, with monocles, and what looked like a top hat from the 1800s from what she could guess.
"To be fair, snow globes usually don't talk." She replied.
The man huffed and gave her a steady glare. "Are you insinuating that I'm not real?!" He screamed at the top of his tiny lungs which was surprising still loud.
Brooklyn couldn't believe what was happening as she looked down in disbelief. "No, that's...not what I meant." She paused before continuing. "But, what's your name?" She asked
"Dickens, Charle Dickens."

@LittleBear group

So, I don't have the time to read and critique this, but this will make it easier to read (Indenting gives you the funny box) and more likely for someone else to read it

I just think it could be better
you know?
Also, try to be quick about it, no offense
you know…school

ANYWAY HERE WE GO!

"I'll be back home by 6 and that room better be unpacked when I get back!" Her mother yelled from downstairs before a door slammed shut.

She had just moved from home sweet New York to wild Utah and so far, it was horrible. Never in her life has she wanted to tell her neighbors to shut up, especially the upstairs ones. They were VERY loud and they never stopped, unlike New York where their neighbors were nice. She had to endure this for the past two weeks, and her ears hurt.

Her room was your average room, it was medium size with a lone window on the side and a small walk-in-closet that was still filled with boxes that weren't going away anytime soon if she continued to procrastinate.

Immediately, she got to work and opened her closet doors before moving a box in and started to unpack. However, as she moved her possessions into the closet, she spotted a small box sitting casually on one of the closet shelves. It had a small door open on its side which…was not normal for a box. Curious, she stopped what she was doing and walked over to investigate. Hmm, I wonder what's inside? She thought to herself as she opened the lid of the box.

"Hey, put out roof back on!" A loud voice shouted from within the box.
Startled, Brooklyn looked into the box where a pack of snowglobes seems to be…talking?

Wait, I'm imagining it right? She scolded herself as she tried looking around the closet to see if it was anything else.

"Hey you, yeah you, the girl with the brown hair! Down here!" The loud voice shouted once more. Slowly, she looked down once more, to see the snowglobes still talking, rather excitingly.

I'm getting delusional right?

This was very not normal.

"You-You're- The- You're talking." She stammered, completely speechless by what she saw.

"Of course I'm talking, have you not seen a talking snow globe before?!" A small man asked angrily. He was about 2 inches tall, with monocles, and what looked like a top hat from the 1800s from what she could guess.

"To be fair, snow globes usually don't talk." She replied.

The man huffed and gave her a steady glare. "Are you insinuating that I'm not real?!" He screamed at the top of his tiny lungs which was surprising still loud.

Brooklyn couldn't believe what was happening as she looked down in disbelief. "No, that's…not what I meant." She paused before continuing. "But, what's your name?" She asked

"Dickens, Charle Dickens."

@Riorlyne pets

Inline feedback

General Comments

  • Punctuation: Make sure you punctuate your dialogue correctly. If you need help with this, I'm happy to give some pointers, but I've also left comments at the link above.
  • Tense: Make sure you consistently use the past tense in the story - I noticed a few places where you slipped into the present tense. Reading your work aloud to yourself can help you pick up on slips like that.
  • Description: Honestly, I was hoping for a little more. A place where some more description would really be helpful is when the main character is finding the characters inside the snow globes for the first time.
  • Plot: Is this the full story? It seems like just an introduction at the moment, since you haven't really introduced a inciting incident or set up the conflict. The things which could work toward the central conflict (loud neighbours, the main character not fitting in, having to unpack by 6) are not developed any further than their initial mention.

Deleted user

Its just a
very
very short story
that was suppose to fit two pages