Deleted user
I'm just looking for someone who can critique/edit/revise/do some constructive criticism on my story. I'll go section by section, and you can go over the thing and make any little comments.
-It's a mystery. I'm trying to add the element of suspense.
-I'm not gonna tell you everything beforehand, I want you to tell me if you can figure everything out nicely with what I've written.
-I can handle some mean stuff, but don't yell at me, please. It's called constructive criticism for a reason.
Kay, first section!
“Phillis City Police Department, how can I help you?” Private Wanda Retendo answered the phone lazily, leaning back in her chair and ripping apart - quite savagely - a jelly-filled donut.
“I locked my keys in my car.” The caller answered.
“Call your car insurance manager.” Wanda hung up and looked over to Jeremy Z. Goose, who was brushing powdered sugar off of his beak. The bird would need a bath today, she decided.
Jeremy looked up at Wanda and honked. She honked back. “You need to wipe your mouth,” She mumbled to the goose. He honked again.
She got up, pushing out of her office chair and striding to the bathroom across the hall. She took a wet paper towel back to the room, throwing it at Jeremy. “Do some work with it, Jeremy Z. Goose,” She ordered.
Jeremy messily wiped away the jelly, kicking the towel Jordan style into the trash bin. Wanda applauded dimly.
The phone rang again.
“Phillis City Police Department, how can I help you?” Wanda answered, bored.
“My cat’s stuck in a tree, officer.” Explained the caller, in a very fake southern accent that might have belonged to a high schooler.
“We don’t do that kind of work, sorry.” Wanda sighed. Prank caller, of course.
“But officer-”
“I’m sorry, but no.” She replied in as sweet of a voice as she could muster at the moment, and hung up. Jeremy honked loudly. “That’s right, Jeremy Z. You tell ‘em.”
Jeremy bordered on an ear splitting airhorn noise, and Wanda spun her wheely chair a few feet away. “Wait until we get another prank caller, Jeremy Z. Then you can unleash your cuddly Canadian wrath.” She grinned. Jeremy grinned back.
The phone rang a third time. Jeremy got to it before Wanda, however,
And time went by this way at the Phillis City Police Department in Phillis City, Canada. Wanda and Jeremy ate donuts, answered calls, wiped their mouths, played trash basketball, and were overall lazy.
That is, until Wanda was called in to stand guard for a crime scene downtown.
“Private Retendo.”
“It’s Private Wanda.” Private Wanda looked up to see Commanding Officer Taylor looming above her.
“Private Retendo, do you enjoy sitting at that desk every single day you work at this police department?”
“Well, I-”
“Good, because you’re going to get up.” Taylor handed her a duty belt and walked away briskly. “Outside in three, Retendo.”
Wanda turned to blink at Jeremy. Jeremy blinked back, expressionless.
“You heard her, Jeremy. Outside in three.” She strapped on the duty belt and got up from her chair, devouring the last bit of her donut. Jeremy grunted and beat his wings, leaping out the door into the parking lot where three police cars lay in wait.
Wanda ran out behind him, boots stomping on the tile floor. The heat of southern Canada in the summer hit her like a wall, and she squinted, skidding to a stop in front of the cars.
“Get in,” Taylor commanded, opening the door of the first and sliding in.
Wanda gunned her engine and Jeremy grunted, barely closing his door before the car sped off after Taylor’s.
“Taylor, can you explain?” Wanda spoke into her walkie talkie.
“Sorry, no can do now, Retendo. You’ll have to wait until we get there.”
“Get where?”
“Just follow my car, Retendo!” Wanda sensed that Taylor was getting rather annoyed with her. Jeremy grunted and opened the glovebox. Out tumbled out lots of gum and mints. He tore open a mint with his beak and ate it. He holds out an stick of gum for Wanda, who pops it in her mouth.
It’s not a very long drive to the crime scene, although neither of the pair know it yet. To them, it strikes them as strange when they pull up at a roped off little wooden house. It would have been quite a pretty place if it hadn’t been half-obliterated. Taylor jumps out of her car and pulls the door open for Wanda.
“Taylor, what is this and why are we here?” She asks, keeping far away from the ropes.
“One of the guards we had set for guard duty on this scene are not available, so you have been called in his place. You will patrol around the wreckage - do not enter the building - until your patrol is up. At that time, a squadron will come to receive you.” She explains, pushing a tranquilizer gun into her hand and walking off.
“Wait!” Wanda calls. “What about Jeremy?”
She can almost hear Taylor rolling her eyes. “The goose can stay right next to you. Do not let him more than two feet away from you at any time.” She turned the corner and went into the building, disappearing from sight.
Wanda turned to Jeremy. As usual, he stared back.
The two cautiously step under the rope. Walking slowly around the dilapidated building, taking into note every little thing. A rocking horse lies, dirty and cracked, on top of chunks of brick and ashes. A scrap of paper - a picture, once that used to lie in a frame.
“This is terrible. What even is this?” Wanda mused, stepping over bits of asphalt scattered by the blast. Jeremy grunted, slouching.
“Who did it - and why?” Wanda continued, shuffling through the ashes. Nothing like this ever happened in Phillis City. Something was amiss. Something was suspicious.
Of course, this was just Wanda’s detective mind starting to whirr. There was, of course, a reasonable explanation behind all this - something innocent and dull, like a bursted pipe, or a drunkard crashing his car into the gas tanks.
But why did a team of quarantines dressed in all white dash into the building just as she turned the corner? Wanda turned to Jeremy.
“Something’s fishy, Jeremy.” She lowered her voice. “Something very fishy.” Jeremy nodded and grunted.
“Should we investigate?”
Jeremy, being the always-loyal physical conscience, shook his head madly. Wanda sighed.
“I know we were supposed to just keep patrolling…but something’s up. I need to investigate.”
Jeremy poked her pant leg. Wanda sighed and kept walking around the building, stopping occasionally to observe a scarred trinket or a rather large piece of stone that needed to be moved.
“Oh - I’m so sorry.” Wanda bumped into another patrol as she rounded a sharp corner. “I didn’t see you there.”
“Don’t worry, I didn’t see you either.” The man smiled at her, and was about to keep walking, but Wanda called out.
“Hey! Um - you’re one of the normal patrol, so, do you know anything about what’s happening?”
The man turned to Wanda. “I only know some things - a disease broke out a couple weeks ago, and finally the city’s medical board decided to evacuate the building. But somebody bombed the place before they could get to it.” He shrugs. “That’s all I know. Have a good patrol!” He said, then walked off again. Wanda exhaled slowly.
“Somebody bombed the place…” She turned to Jeremy. “This is a lead, Jeremy.” She grit her teeth. “We can’t investigate now - the medical team is inside the building. But we’ll have to come back.” Jeremy made an excellent facepalm for a goose.
That evening, the police squadron came back to pick up the two. As the pair drove back to the station, Wanda sat deep in thought. Someone had bombed the building - something that would never happen in Phillis City. Why had someone done this, and how? And most importantly, who?
