forum critique my universe please!
Started by @stargirl-3213
tune

people_alt 9 followers

Ember Ris

It's a very interesting idea! Your history section is a little unclear - you say "they" and "them" a lot, and it's hard to distinguish who is who. Also, I would include basic motives - why are these people (I'm assuming they are the Greyhounds, but I'm not sure) trying to take over the world? Are there different opinions on the two groups? It would also make things clearer if you wrote things chronologically, so I can get a better idea of where things lie.

For the technology, you might want to put more details into it - what makes an "impressive" security system? What technologies make it so impenetrable? Is it only the security systems and disguises that have been upgraded, or are there other inventions?

For your notes, you might want to add more basic details about your world. All I know is the chain of command in the military, but does this apply to both groups? (This would be a good spot to write down everything you want to say about the Greyhounds and the First Responders, like their base of operations, allies, public opinion on them, and so on.) (Also, quick question - what is the rest of the world like?) I also like to have an "aesthetic" for my world. You mentioned your story takes place in a "dystopian" LA. What makes it dystopian? Is it heavily populated, or are there only a few people?

In general, it feels rushed, and I'd like to see as much detail as you can add so I can get a better feel for it. I hope this helped!