forum would y'all like to critique my crappy short story
Started by @mementomorii_
tune

people_alt 37 followers

@Painted-Iris group

First off, it's not crappy.
Second, I was confused on a line:
"My sweated went well beyond my hands, so I tended to just nod when people waved at me"

I have some other tips about being more detailed if you're interested as well. I really enjoyed how it wasn't all dialogue either!

@mementomorii_

First off, it's not crappy.
Second, I was confused on a line:
"My sweated went well beyond my hands, so I tended to just nod when people waved at me"

I have some other tips about being more detailed if you're interested as well. I really enjoyed how it wasn't all dialogue either!

Thank you! I'd be happy to hear what else you have in mind, and I put that line in there to try and show that the character was petite or of small stature, but it doesn't make that much sense ^^

@Painted-Iris group

It was most likely noon, but I wouldn't know seeing as there are no clocks in my house.
I lay in my bed, feeling the warm sunlight on my face.
Is there even a reason to get up?
No, not really.
(Mood.)
I sit up anyway and get ready.
(About here is where I would describe the surroundings your character is in. Is this a normal home, is it an apartment? It says later that it is a house, but the room is not described nor do we know if it's a smaller or larger house.)
My outfit was dull and grey, as usual, with the exception of my candy cane striped scarf and neon blue band-aid across the bridge of my nose.
(Just gonna say, this line is perfect before I go on lol)
I pull my long blue hair into pigtails and continue.
I exit the house and look around.
It was a decent day, warm with a cool breeze, and the trees were rustling along with the gentle wind.
(Before your next line, I'd add in what kind of society this is. Well what I mean is, are there other homes close by? Is this in a city? A small town?)
I walked the entire way to the small drop-off area on the mountain, murmuring pleasantries to people who passed and greeted me.
(Describe the mountain a tad. LIke is it the only one, is it a snowy one? Do people venture there often? Why or why not?)
My sweated went well beyond my hands, so I tended to just nod when people waved at me.
(Just a suggestion to revise: I tended to simply nod at the passerby, trying not to focus on the sweat forming aside from my sticky palms.)
(Describe how she got there! Did she climb up high? Is it at the base of the mountain? Are there stairs, a trail?)
I arrived at my little area and smiled softly. It was just as I remembered it.
The rock with blood stains, the ground with fresh dirt, good for digging, and the trees.
Oh, the trees. They were beautiful weeping willows with countless nooses hanging from their majestic branches.
Yes, this place is important to me. It would be the last place I saw, after all.

@mementomorii_

Thank you so much! The 'Sweated' is supposed to say sweater but I am dyslexic ^^ and I read it as sweater both times, sorry! I will definitely add more detail to that, and thank you again for the feed back!