forum Please critique this prolougue
Started by @Pandapocalypse
tune

people_alt 2 followers

@Pandapocalypse

This is the prolougue of a book I've been writing with some friends. I would tell you their usernames, but I forget. Brie will prob be on in a bit, though…
Anyway, here's the prolougue:

A very long time ago, humans and animals lived in peace. They didn’t really spend much time with each other, but they tolerated each other, and that was all that really mattered.
At the time, all humans were led by a single king. His name was King Zachary jr. He didn’t much like the animals, but he let them be, as long as they stayed on their own land. There were also strict laws for humans to stay out of the animals’ land.
One sad day, the king died, and was replaced with his 16-year-old son, Prince Zachary the third. Zachary despised the animals, for he believed that they were primitive, unintelligent beings. He got rid of the law that kept humans off their land.
This made the humans happy. They began to invade the animal land, killing animals as they went. The animals had to do something about this. The great cat breeds created a greater species, a combination of their species, called nucats. Only a few of these were able to be created. Many died because it was so risky.
An old jeweler, named Fall, made a collection of seven necklaces, one of each color of the rainbow. One day, she was mysteriously gifted the ability to enchant all of the necklaces, except for the orange necklace. She never told anyone how she did it, though.
Some days later, a man asked for the orange necklace, and came back with it after about a week. He explained that he had enchanted it with a very special power, and that if she combined it with the other necklaces, it would create the ultimate weapon: the galaxy choker.
The problem was, this man was something the animals simply referred to as “demons.” There wasn’t much information on them, but they were known to bring corruption wherever they went. They had attempted to corrupt the orange necklace, but had failed, causing a strange thing to happen…
Anyway, the weirdest part about all this was the way the demons had corrupted the necklace. It wasn’t like them. Now, there is a simple explanation, but let’s just say…
They had a little help from a friend or two.
Fall put all seven necklaces together, creating the galaxy choker. She easily expelled the demons from the land, and split the Earth in two with a force field. The humans occupied one half, and the animals occupied the other.
After The Divide, Fall fell in love with another wolf named Alexander, who was an expert puppet maker. He made her a wolf pup marionette as a wedding gift.
After years of being married, they still hadn’t had kids. Fall had always wanted to give her necklaces to her kids, but now it seemed that she would never have any. So, she used the galaxy choker to bring the marionette to life. That night, however, all of the necklaces, except for the red one were stolen. Fall held on to the red necklace with her life, knowing that if anyone ever got hold of all the necklaces, they would be too powerful to control.
Fall and Alexander took care of the marionette for a few years, but soon died from a disease. The marionette was given to a nearby wolfpack, who called her Puppet. Puppet had already had a name, but she wouldn’t tell anyone.
Little did they know, she would prevent the world from being destroyed with help from a few friends, including a three “goddesses,” and one of the “experiments of a lifetime” from the big cats. Hold on to your seat, because this is about to get weird.

Deleted user

Hmmm, I like it! It’s really cool, and I enjoyed reading through that. But. The way you rushed through the explanation of the demons near the endish middle was kind of abrupt and writers simply shouldn’t write like that. Perhaps the lore could be explained a bit better, like where did the other necklaces go, why did Fall allow a stranger to take the necklace etc. Also, grammar is a problem, there are missing commas and added ones, but otherwise I’d continue reading this. It’s really well written and the idea is creative.

^~^

Hope I helped a little.

M~

Deleted user

You’re very welcome! The grammar will come with time and what you learn. Continue writing this, I want to see more!

Deleted user

woW 63 PAGES

I’m someone who likes reading a book all the way through, so could I read it once you guys finish?

Deleted user

we could still share it with you and you could read it at a later date. like when we're almost done….

Yeah, that sounds good.