forum How to write social anxiety?

Started March 06, 2019 by @bonjourhumans

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I want to write a character with social anxiety, but have ABSOLUTELY no clue where to even start…

So one thing that I've noticed is that their social battery dies out rather quickly, so maybe they might enjoy meeting new people but they quickly regret putting themselves out like that.

They get anxious about talking to people, like if they have to call someone on the phone or talk to people they don't know for a group project or ask directions from a stranger. They worry about saying the right thing, they worry about being embarrassed or judged, or about making themselves look stupid or awkward. They're usually but not always socially awkward, and are almost always antisocial, so they'll have a smaller friend group. A lot of the time they're just shy in general. Most people with social anxiety don't get anxious around family or old friends. They might be louder and less shy around these people. Volume is another thing—sometimes people with social anxiety will talk quieter around people they don't know. They won't want to be the centre of attention, at least around people they don't know as well. They won't want to go places with lots of people/go to talk to someone (e.g. teacher) alone. Being places with lots of people tire them out. (Like _ Periwinkle_ said, their social battery dies kinda fast).

Looking up social anxiety and/or physical & mental responses to anxiety might help you write your character better :)

(That was a lot of stuff, sorry XD)

Note: I have social anxiety, as well as generalized anxiety, and so do a lot of my friends so this is from personal experience. Of course, everyone has a different experience, so this isn't necessarily true for everyone, or I might not have mentioned something that other people experience.

Okay, I'm just gonna start speaking from personal experience. I've lived with a more extreme version of social anxiety, though there are definitely others who get it way worse than I do. I have also been diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) so that also plays up my current level of social anxiety a bit. I am also an introvert, but in no way am I shy. Here are some things I have encountered.

School is a fucking nightmare with this. I am forced to socialize with other people my age for 6 hours out of an entire day. As soon as one wrong word is said, my brain goes spiraling along a dark path of "what if they aren't joking" and "oh god they hate you so much, you fucking idiot", and these thoughts only get progressively worse. I used to be so bad as to the point where I would ruminate about that one little incident for weeks on end. I would never be able to do a simple presentation in front of peers I have known for literal years. I would be sent into a panic attack just at the thought of presenting in front of my class and instead opt for doing my presentation just in front of the teacher after school. My voice would shake uncontrollably, my body would get all jittery, and I would constantly pick at my skin and nails.

Of all the social settings, the one I hate most (besides school) is a cafe. Mainly, going to a cafe alone. Having to talk to a worker alone makes me all jittery with nerves and makes me stutter as my brain is on literal overdrive. Having to stand in line makes me all jittery because people invade my personal space standing so close please stop and stand back I don't like that at all ugh. Eating in public makes me all jittery because now I feel like all eyes are watching me and judging me harshly. Smiling in public makes me all jittery because what if my teeth are super yellow? What if I have something stuck in them? What if someone thinks my smile is weird and obnoxious?

My panic attacks consisted of extreme hyperventilating, rocking back and forth, sobbing, shaking, scratching myself, whining like a hurt puppy, and only being able to speak by yelling or whimpering and with no inbetween. I was a volatile volcano.
As you can guess, those aren't very fun for me. At all.
Now, I'm not speaking for all who get panic attacks. Each panic attack differs from one person to another depending on their level of anxiety.
Now, I have been going to therapy for about a year now, working on better coping mechanisms to deal with a disorder I can never get rid of, but I can fight back against it now. I force myself to rhythmically breathe when I begin to get choked up in panic. I find a dark and quiet place when I feel myself descending into sensory overload, and if I can't then I wear headphones and keep my head down. When I feel the urge to harm myself to get out of my head, I snap a rubber band on my wrist rather than claw at my own skin. I avoid going places alone. I write pages on how something bugs me, and then burn the paper just so I can rant and let go. I draw on my skin and hum to distract myself. I talk to my friends to let them know what's going on with me so they don't accidentally add to my nervousness. I let myself cry and feel emotion instead of bottling it up and hiding it away. I do a body scan when I'm desperate to get out of my head. I take meds as needed.

I'm definitely doing better than what I was.

So if you're going to write a character with social anxiety, there are quite a few questions you have to answer to get a depth of character.

• Where does this social anxiety stem from?

For me, it was the very real situation that I would lose my mother to cancer. I was 8 years old when both my parents were gone and my grandma was waiting for me to wake up to inform me they were both at the hospital and to not go into my parent's room since my mom was coughing up blood and she left a trail in her haste to leave. I was taken out of school for a week and not allowed to see my mom until the docs thought it would be alright. Believe it or not, living through that as a child changed my psyche from happy-go-lucky and outgoing to quiet and nervous. I was born with the disorder, yes, but that not only worsened it but also gave me even more problems.

• Is this character going to have a severe case, moderate case, or mild case?

All of which are valid. My experiences are more on the severe side of things if that gives you a viable judgment point.

• Will your character make moves to get better and seek help?

It took a bit, but once I convinced my parents to let me go to therapy, I began to notice small changes. Tiny steps forward to dealing with this disorder helped my outlook and confidence so much, but progression is key.

• Is your character diagnosed? Does your character suspect it? Does your character know yet they can't get a diagnosis for reasons?

I suspected I had it, which led me to seek a diagnosis and confirming what I had guessed. However, I was diagnosed with it professionally when I was 16. A bit later in life, but still early enough not to have serious mental damage done.

• How does this and should this affect your character's relationships?

My friends were supportive I was finally finding and getting help. My family was iffy at first but they grew to accept it once they saw it was helping me.

• Any habits your character has gained because of this influence?

Could be any bad habits like picking at skin and scratching or good habits like double-checking and extreme organization.

• What level of help is your character seeking?

Could be anything from self-help articles online to over-the-counter meds to prescriptions to therapy. Please keep in mind that therapy sometimes doesn't help at all, not because of the therapy but because of the therapist.

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Dear lord I'm so sorry that turned out to be so long. I hope this helped! :D

yes^^ exactly what they said ive got it too ugh and thats very accurate
a couple things to add from my experience
-sometimes friends could turn away from you bc they think you hate them because you don't talk very much
-turning down very fun things because the thought of a new place where you don't know exactly what will happen makes you anxious
-there's like that whole "i can't be late because people will judge me but i can't be early because i don't know what to do and people will judge me too"
-hating yourself for withdrawing from friends + activities because they make you too anxious
-being in a situation where someone could tell you to do something like "oh go ask [this person] to help you they know how to do it" and you can't explain to them that you physically cannot do that without having extreme anxiety so you end up very trapped

sorry if these suck lol but i hope it helps a bit!! i hate when people say they have social anxiety for just anything so i think it's great you're trying to learn about it before going off and writing about it!!

It honestly depends on how servere the anxiety is and what the character is like normally. Some people’s anxiety controls their life and some anxiety only appears in certain situations. Be careful not to make it a big deal in the writing and then just have them be afraid of small talk or something.
Anxiety can also go hand in hand with other mental illnesses like depression or ocd, adhd, things like that, so make sure to include thorough descriptions about how it makes the character feel or act when/if affected by both anxiety and/or another mental illness.
Hope this was helpful :)

Like others have said, it really depends on how severe the anxiety is. Social anxiety generally prevents some people from being able to do simple tasks like a phone call or an appointment. It makes it hard to talk to people even if you want to talk to them. Inconveniencing yourself because you don't want to be awkward around other people. Sometimes the triggers are the simplest things like closeness. For some it affects their entire lives and for others it's just a small inconvenience.
This is all kinda my point of view but I hope it helps

With anxiety, little things like doing something stupid in front of a class can completely destroy a person. Often times they will go on rants inside their head where they go to the worst possible conclusion and focus on only that. For example: "I dropped my pencil and could hardly grab it without help. Everyone probably thinks I'm some weak idiot. Nobody wants to be friends with a pussy like me. I'll die alone." It's like that, but more chaotic.
One way I express a character's anxiety is by writing what they're thinking. Say, for example, they have a panic attack, so they keep repeating the same three sentences over and over again. This can work especially well if you're writing from that character's perspective.

How I experience my Social Anxiety is mostly through interaction. Though most around me might not be able to tell I am experiencing it. When I have an attack I sweat and get really warm, my breathing, it is slightly abnormal. It could be triggered by someone being too close (Ex yesterday during class some guys in class were leaning against my table and a few inches away from me. I was fine with that but clearly not inside, it triggered anxiety). Another reason I have had attacks were too many people in one room, doesn't matter if I know everyone. It is just too many people. I also have anxiety attacks the most when talking or presenting in front of multiple people. I lose my train of thought, my mind may become clouded, I fear of messing up or embarrassing myself.

With anxiety, little things like doing something stupid in front of a class can completely destroy a person. Often times they will go on rants inside their head where they go to the worst possible conclusion and focus on only that. For example: "I dropped my pencil and could hardly grab it without help. Everyone probably thinks I'm some weak idiot. Nobody wants to be friends with a pussy like me. I'll die alone." It's like that, but more chaotic.
One way I express a character's anxiety is by writing what they're thinking. Say, for example, they have a panic attack, so they keep repeating the same three sentences over and over again. This can work especially well if you're writing from that character's perspective.

I agree with this so much. Like I broke my pencil yesterday during testing yesterday and it took me a while to ask for another one. Anxiety is best shown in their thoughts and it makes you think that no matter what you do, you're being judged, even if it's something super simple.

Asking for stuff could also be pretty hard also. Thoughts may race through your mind, like you will be laughed at for asking for stuff. If you have to get up to grab something or do something, you may be scared of being stared at. There is this constant fear of being judged about everything you do. You may even believe everything you do is awful or wrong.

Wow, you all are so helpful! Thank you soooooooo much!

Happy to help :)

It varies from person to person.

Mine isn't as bad as some others here, and most of what's already been said somewhat applies to me; such as the littlest thing destroying me (at least for a while.) At my old school, in French we'd play a game where you toss a ball around the class and have to say a number after you get it. I have really bad coordination, both catching and throwing, so this wasn't very fun for me. Especially one time where I threw the ball, missed, and heard "how am I supposed to catch that?" Made me feel like lowering my head.

Asking for stuff is pretty hard for me, sometimes. I'm trying to improve on it. Even simple interactions with friends, people I know is somewhat hard, besides my group of friends I went to elementary with for most of it.

I find when my anxiety comes around, I most commonly feel my heart racing. It's a really weird feeling. Kinda as if I ran several laps around a gym or a few around a field. Sometimes I'll fidget, sometimes I feel that I can't keep still, so I'll often shake my leg.

Damn, looks like y'all got it!

Haha yeah. Adding to this, some people can do certain things more easily than others. Like I can write an email and send it and be less anxious with that than actually talking to people about the same thing.

regret is a big part of it too, I think. Like a character will say or do something in a social setting , and regret it either instantly or hours later. Like at night, they're trying to go to sleep and all they can think is "why did I do that" over and over again.

regret is a big part of it too, I think. Like a character will say or do something in a social setting , and regret it either instantly or hours later. Like at night, they're trying to go to sleep and all they can think is "why did I do that" over and over again.

Big mood.